It's Guilt Week!

Time to read: Less than 2. 5 minutes

Guilty Dog

Last week, I promised you that we would deal with false emotions for the month of February.

Today is GUILT day! Yaaaaaaay!

You know guilt. You feel guilty when you don't call your mother enough. You feel guilty when you say, "let's get together for lunch," and then you never call. You feel guilty when you say no to a project, and it lands on your colleague's plate.

Like overwhelm from last week, guilt is a false emotion.

I'm going to give it to you straight.

Guilt is a shield you put up to make yourself feel like you're doing something when you aren't. If you feel guilty about not visiting your parents more often, then you're doing something about not visiting them, right?

Nope.

Nice try.

Like all false emotions, look underneath to see what's really going on.

1. Identify your actual feelings. Hint: Those will be the uncomfortable feelings you are trying to avoid. Under guilt is typically remorse or anger.


2. Feel the feelings. I'll say this every week. Feel the remorse or anger so you can clear the path, let the guilt go, and get clear about the truth in your situation.


3. Take action from the truth. Once you feel the remorse or anger, you can decide if you want to visit your parents or invite that friend to lunch or clean things up with your colleague who got the project. You'll be clear.

Here's an example so you can see how this works: Let's say you never get together with some old friends, and you feel guilty every time you say no to their invitations. First, identify your true feelings. You might feel remorse that you actually don't want to get together with these friends anymore. Or remorse that you've grown apart from them as your lives have taken different directions. Allow yourself your sadness, loss and remorse.

Once you've cleared the feelings, then you can decide what to do. Maybe it's time to say goodbye. Maybe you need to redesign your relationship with them. Now that you have a baby, you're just not interested in hanging out at the bar anymore. Perhaps there's a new way to hang out together. Maybe there's one person you want to see and you're done with the others. Double down on that one friendship instead.

See how this works?

Coming soon: blame and self-pity.

So fun.

Remember: Getting honest with yourself about the shield of false emotions will liberate you! It's worth the effort to build your awareness and feel your feelings.

It's an honor to be in your in-box each week. Have a great weekend!

With rebel love,

Christina

P.S. Know someone who suffers from guilt? Oh yes. This is a popular one. Forward this newsletter them. They can sign up to join us here.

P.P.S. January and February are the perfect time to review 2019 and plan for 2020. Reach out if you'd like to explore an intentional plan for 2020.

Let Go of Guilt

Time to read: less than one minute, guilt-free

Hello Rebels!

Let's talk about guilt. Here's what I mean:

You exchange texts with an old colleague and say, "Let's have coffee soon." Then you never do.

Insert guilt.

Your mother is in a nursing home. You feel you should visit more often. You don't.

Insert guilt.

You promise to make networking introductions for a college friend who is job hunting. You "forget."

Insert guilt.

Guilt sucks.

Here's the kicker. Guilt isn't real. It's what's known as a "false emotion." You throw guilt up in front of true emotion to feel like you're taking action while you are actually avoiding. Let's look at the above examples through this lens to uncover the real emotions.

The old colleague: If you really wanted to hang out with this person, you'd make it a priority. Instead of guilt, feel sad that you don't choose to make this person a priority. Then, own your choice and let it go.

Your mother: The real emotion here is regret and sadness. It may be grief over the loss of your mother (if she's lost to Alzheimers, for example) or sadness that you don't have the kind of relationship with your mother that makes you want to visit her more often. Or maybe, it's fear about losing her. Rather than false guilt, give yourself permission to feel your actual sadness or fear.

The job hunter: If you're not motivated to help, there's a good chance you said yes to something when you wanted to say no. Maybe you're frustrated by your lack of boundaries and embarrassed that you want to get out of this commitment. You are avoiding the fact that you are out of integrity with yourself and the other person. Instead of hiding behind guilt, take responsibility for your decision and let the person know you're sorry and you can't make the introductions after all.

Guilt is a waste of your time. Instead, put that energy into feeling your real feelings and take ownership of the truth. You'll feel a lot better.

I hope this helps!

Christina

Stop Doing This To Yourself!

Time to read: less than one minute

Hey Rebels!

You're walking down the hall at the office and you pass a very important person. Said important person walks right on by without acknowledging you. Your stomach falls. You feel nervous. Your mind spins.

"I think she hates me... or worse, she doesn't even know who I am... I'm not valued... or appreciated... I'm a complete fraud... I'll be first in line during the next round of layoffs... Then I'll lose my house... My friends will walk away... I'll be destitute and alone."

Do you play some version of this fiction over and over in your head?

If you let completely made up stories suck your energy and ruin your day, then our webinar, The Corporate Rebel Truthfully U is for YOU.

We'll be live on Monday, October 7 at noon Central Time. Join us here. (If you can't attend live, no worries. We'll send a recording to all subscribers.)

It's worth the 60 minutes if you...

• Can’t keep negative thoughts out of your brain, even when you want to think positively.
• Compare yourself to others and come up short.
• Search for hidden meaning behind interactions.
• Spin and lie awake at night analyzing situations leaving you muddled and tired. Your friends are seriously tired of talking about it.

In 60 minutes you will...

• Distinguish the Facts of a situation from the Fiction.
• Clear the clutter in your brain so you feel calm, energetic, and confident.
• Dive under the emotion and confusion so you can make clearer and faster decisions.
• Take action based on what’s actually true, rather than what you think is true, which will lead to better results.

Join us here. We can't wait to see you!

Christina and Anne

P.S. Invite your friends! Their minds are full of fictions, too, and some of them may be about you. :-) They can join here.

Are You Hijacked By BS?

Time to read: 1.5 minutes. 2.5 minutes if you read all the way to the signature.

Hey Rebels!

It’s Anne!

I'm doing a dance of joy to be here with you today. Hooray!

When Christina and I held our Quiet the Noise Challenge this summer, YOU gave us feedback and WE listened.

You said, gee, I want to work on this Fact vs. Fiction thing. To help you with that, we're hosting another 60-minute webinar! The Corporate Rebel Truthfully U: Fact vs Fiction. If you already know you want to join us, sign up here.

If you want to dig deeper into what we mean by Fact vs Fiction, step into my life for a moment. You'll quickly see how the fiction hoodwinks your mind and sucks your energy.

On a quiet Saturday, I sat at my desk preparing for the Rethinking U Webinar. Computer straightened. Papers arranged logically. Pens, pencils perfectly lined up. Then the phone rang.

We have a landline (yes, an antique contraption with wires connected to other wires) and no caller ID so every call is a mystery guessing game. I can generally fake it, “Oh hey! How’s it going?” until I have enough voice recognition data to figure out the caller.

As I said, the phone rang...

Me: “Hello?”

Friend (let’s call her Gina): “Why are you still at home?”

Me: “Uh…” (brain churning…It’s Gina. Why am I not supposed to be at home? I like being at home.)

Gina: “You were supposed to pick me up ten minutes ago!”

Me: “Oh horsefeathers!” (She was right.)

Me again: “I can be there in twelve minutes.”

Gina: “No, I’ll just go.”

Me: “Oh. Okay.”

Gina: “Bye.”

I flew into action, changed into public-appropriate attire, and shot out of the garage. My brain went crazy. Gina will never forgive me. She’ll think I’m not reliable. I made us late. I let her down. She’ll hold a grudge and tell our friends that you cannot count on Anne for anything. Nope. Unreliable Anne.

I then devised an elaborate, heartfelt apology that basically held me personally responsible for all badness everywhere.

I arrived (late) to the gathering and, lo and behold, there was no steam coming out of Gina’s ears. When a side moment presented itself, I delivered my (truncated) apology and Gina said, “That’s okay. It happens to all of us.” Or something like that. The end. Do you do this to yourself?

Get out your dissecting tools. Dig around in the first couple paragraphs and look for the FACTS of what happened.

FACT #1: I forgot I had planned to pick up Gina.

FACT #2: I didn’t pick up Gina because of Fact #1.

FACT #3: Gina forgave me and still trusts me.

After that, it's all FICTION. Gina will never trust me again. She’ll turn all our mutual friends against me. Blah. Blah. Blah. You get the point. I created a friendship catastrophe that was all in my head and a waste of time.

Notice the energy I squandered. Do you do make stuff up and create catastrophe's in your head? Are you tired of wasting energy generating all kinds of negative gobbledeemuck? And for nothing?

Join us! (Small trumpet fanfare.) We’re doing another webinar: The Corporate Rebel Truthfully U on Monday October 7 at noon Central Time. Join us here.

It's worth the 60 minutes if you...

• Can’t keep negative thoughts out of your brain, even when you want to think positively.
• Compare yourself with others and come up short.
• Search for hidden meaning behind interactions.
• Spin and lie awake at night analyzing situations leaving you muddled and tired. Your friends are seriously tired of talking about it.

In 60 minutes you will...

• Distinguish the Facts of a situation from the Fiction
• Clear the clutter in your brain so you feel calm, energetic, and confident
• Dive under the emotion and confusion so you can make clearer and faster decisions
• Take action based on what’s actually true, rather than what you think is true, which will lead to better results

Join us. We can't wait to see you there!

Christina and Anne

P.S. Invite your friends! Their minds are full of fictions, too, and some of them may be about you. :-) They can join here.

It's Christmas! What's Your Heart's Desire?

Time to read: Less than one minute! (All client stories are told with their express permission.)

What's your heart's desire?

One of my clients came to me because she was unhappy at work. She was frustrated by parts of her work environment, wondered if she was in the right profession, and wanted to consider going into business for herself. We had lots of conversations about her professional dreams, her strengths, what wasn't working, what she wanted for her career, and what she would create in her business.

And, since I believe that people are whole and integrated across work and home, we talked about her daughter and family life as well. She was very clear that they were a happy, one-child family with two parents focused on their careers.

During one particularly powerful session, I asked her, "What's your heart's desire?" The air became charged in a potent silence. Then to my surprise, as well as her own, she said, "I want another child." Neither of us expected that answer as she had been consistently committed to a single-child. From that moment, little Mathias was destined to enter this world into the waiting arms of a big sister who had dreamed of him for years.

Fast forward to today. Mathias is now 5. His mother happily still works in the same profession, for the same employer. The dissatisfaction she was experiencing wasn't with her career. What she really wanted was much bigger. Once she set about the business of fulfilling her heart's desire, she filled the empty space, and her career satisfaction handled itself.

So, I ask you, as Christmas draws close, what is your heart's desire? It's time to set about the business of going out there to get it. (Here's a hint: It may not be your job.)

Please email me at christina@boydsmithcoaching.com and tell me all about it. I always love to hear from you.

With love,

Christina

P.S. I can't promise you a baby for Christmas (although 3 babies have been born as a direct result of coaching with me). I can promise you a powerful weekly dose of optimism and practical tools to help you find your heart's desire at work and at home. Give the gift of that insight to your friends by sharing this newsletter with them. They can join here.

Do You Hate It When People Tell You How You Feel?

Time to read: 1 little minute and 15 tiny seconds

My corporate campsite this week.

Do you hate it when people tell you how you feel?

Let me begin with a little story then tell you what to do when someone inaccurately insists you must be feeling something you are not.

I'm at a client site this week doing 2 intense days of back to back private coaching for a big corporation followed by a third day of team building sessions. When I return home, I head to another big corporation to coach all day in their women's leadership program. When I tell people about my week, they say, "that must be exhausting!",

When I hear that, I'm like, "hmmmmm….," or I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because other people's opinions can muddy the water and make it hard to listen to your own feelings and trust your own experience. With their suggestion, you might start to wonder, "Am I exhausted? Maybe I should be."

By becoming aware when other people are imposing how you should feel, you can commit to listen to and trust how you actually feel.

Here's how to do that:

1. Check in with yourself. When you hear a suggestion for how you should feel, use it as a reminder to pause and check in. How are you feeling? Is there something you need to express, process alone, or adjust? What will get you on track with where you want to be?
2. Pay attention to the stories you tell yourself. Are you telling stories that are empowering or disempowering? Is telling yourself that you are exhausted or overwhelmed enabling you to be your best self and do your best work or is it sapping your energy?
3. Choose your feelings. You get to decide if you are exhausted, overwhelmed or frustrated. The circumstances don't dictate your feelings, and other people's suggestions certainly don't. It is true that I may be tired when I get on the plane to go home, and while doing the work, I choose to be energized and inspired by my clients.
4. Clarify. If you want to, you can clarify how you really feel to the person who is asking. Assume they care about you and had the best of intentions when they made their comment. Something like, "actually, I love these clients and get in the zone when I do back-to-back coaching."
5. Get curious. If you notice yourself "suggesting" feelings to others, get curious. Instead of telling them how they feel, ask, "How do you feel about that?" You might be surprised by what you learn and amused to see the assumptions you make, too.

I hope this helps!

Christina

P.S. Are there people to whom you'd like to give a big, fat hint? Use this email to tell them to stop suggesting how you should feel! They can join to receive this newsletter right here.

Who you are being matters!

Estimated read time: 4 seconds less than one minute.

Pets and kids get this concept without trying.

Like you, I have a lot to do this week - a long list of tasks, mundane and challenging. A few minutes ago, I was walking out the door laden with my laptop, anxious to start knocking items off my to-do list at the local coffee shop.

Right as I was about to leave, I stopped and remembered the words of my mentor. She said, "Trust that who you are is enough. Do your prep work and trust who you are being in the world." I put down my laptop and spent the next 20 minutes meditating.

The point here is simple. What you do is only part of the story. Who you are is just as important.

Here's an example:

One of my clients leads a large team. She is responsible for day-to-day management activities and projects that affect thousands of end-users. At her core, she is deeply empathetic. When she gets anxious about the things that need to be done, she has a harder time moving forward. When she taps into her deep well of compassion for herself and her team, the work gets done smoothly.

See how that works?

In the midst of all of your doing, remember who you are being is important, too. Have you heard the phrase, "you are a human being, not a human doing?"

Spend some time this week paying attention to who you are being. And my calm and centered self just easily completed one thing on my to-do list - this newsletter!

In love,

Christina

P.S. If you know someone who would like to receive this newsletter, they can sign-up for The Corporate Rebel Video Podcast and Newsletter HERE.