Feel Guilty About Your Joy?

Time to read: 45 seconds.

We're at my father-in-law's funeral. My father-in-law was a gentle, impactful community and business leader who died of Alzheimers a few weeks ago. Yesterday was the moving, Covid-designed funeral.

We're sad.

And we're having a great time in Austin. BBQ never tasted so good and evening drives full of new smells and new sites are refreshing my family's soul. We didn't realize until we landed at the airport how much we needed rest and a change of scenery and perspective.

Complexity

That's the name of the game.

Ease does not come from erasing discomfort through simple explanations and avoiding pain. Ease comes from (cliche warning) leaning in, knowing that you are resilient and can handle whatever you hear or whatever happens. Ease comes from increasing your ability to embrace complexity - that joy and grief, fun and rage, can all exist together.

If you have the opportunity to visit the site of George Floyd's murder, I recommend you go. It's a moving experience - t-shirt booths, food tents serving free hotdogs and pasta salad (the bacon broccoli one was some of the best pasta salad I've ever eaten... I digress), people singing, make-shift food banks, all mixed together with a beautiful mural and altars of flowers, kid's drawings, and reverence and grief for the tragedy that took place there.

The experience is complex: optimistic, sad, hopeful, joyful, generous, and forward thinking. The experience paints a picture of the world fueled by love, community, and complexity as opposed to violence and domination.

This quote came across my radar screen today and is the perfect addition to thinking about joy and complexity. In the midst of doing intense work in non-violence and reconciliation, Emma Jordan-Simpson, Executive Director of the Fellowship of Reconciliation, talks about how she takes care of herself.

"One of the things I do to take care of myself is that I protect joy. Not having good times is not an excuse not to be human, not to live and move and engage. Joy helps us do that. For me, joy is seeing the effort that people make to take care of one another. Joy is having incredibly fulfilling relationships with family, with friends, with neighbors. Joy is finding something to laugh about at the most ridiculous times. Joy is in our music. No one can take joy from us."

As you find your place in this pandemic and your role in racial justice, you have permission to have your joy. It's part of embracing increased complexity.

With love,

Christina

P.S. If you want to better understand the issues surrounding police reforms, this New York Times Daily podcast is worth the 25 minutes.

It's Guilt Week!

Time to read: Less than 2. 5 minutes

Guilty Dog

Last week, I promised you that we would deal with false emotions for the month of February.

Today is GUILT day! Yaaaaaaay!

You know guilt. You feel guilty when you don't call your mother enough. You feel guilty when you say, "let's get together for lunch," and then you never call. You feel guilty when you say no to a project, and it lands on your colleague's plate.

Like overwhelm from last week, guilt is a false emotion.

I'm going to give it to you straight.

Guilt is a shield you put up to make yourself feel like you're doing something when you aren't. If you feel guilty about not visiting your parents more often, then you're doing something about not visiting them, right?

Nope.

Nice try.

Like all false emotions, look underneath to see what's really going on.

1. Identify your actual feelings. Hint: Those will be the uncomfortable feelings you are trying to avoid. Under guilt is typically remorse or anger.


2. Feel the feelings. I'll say this every week. Feel the remorse or anger so you can clear the path, let the guilt go, and get clear about the truth in your situation.


3. Take action from the truth. Once you feel the remorse or anger, you can decide if you want to visit your parents or invite that friend to lunch or clean things up with your colleague who got the project. You'll be clear.

Here's an example so you can see how this works: Let's say you never get together with some old friends, and you feel guilty every time you say no to their invitations. First, identify your true feelings. You might feel remorse that you actually don't want to get together with these friends anymore. Or remorse that you've grown apart from them as your lives have taken different directions. Allow yourself your sadness, loss and remorse.

Once you've cleared the feelings, then you can decide what to do. Maybe it's time to say goodbye. Maybe you need to redesign your relationship with them. Now that you have a baby, you're just not interested in hanging out at the bar anymore. Perhaps there's a new way to hang out together. Maybe there's one person you want to see and you're done with the others. Double down on that one friendship instead.

See how this works?

Coming soon: blame and self-pity.

So fun.

Remember: Getting honest with yourself about the shield of false emotions will liberate you! It's worth the effort to build your awareness and feel your feelings.

It's an honor to be in your in-box each week. Have a great weekend!

With rebel love,

Christina

P.S. Know someone who suffers from guilt? Oh yes. This is a popular one. Forward this newsletter them. They can sign up to join us here.

P.P.S. January and February are the perfect time to review 2019 and plan for 2020. Reach out if you'd like to explore an intentional plan for 2020.

Let Go of Guilt

Time to read: less than one minute, guilt-free

Hello Rebels!

Let's talk about guilt. Here's what I mean:

You exchange texts with an old colleague and say, "Let's have coffee soon." Then you never do.

Insert guilt.

Your mother is in a nursing home. You feel you should visit more often. You don't.

Insert guilt.

You promise to make networking introductions for a college friend who is job hunting. You "forget."

Insert guilt.

Guilt sucks.

Here's the kicker. Guilt isn't real. It's what's known as a "false emotion." You throw guilt up in front of true emotion to feel like you're taking action while you are actually avoiding. Let's look at the above examples through this lens to uncover the real emotions.

The old colleague: If you really wanted to hang out with this person, you'd make it a priority. Instead of guilt, feel sad that you don't choose to make this person a priority. Then, own your choice and let it go.

Your mother: The real emotion here is regret and sadness. It may be grief over the loss of your mother (if she's lost to Alzheimers, for example) or sadness that you don't have the kind of relationship with your mother that makes you want to visit her more often. Or maybe, it's fear about losing her. Rather than false guilt, give yourself permission to feel your actual sadness or fear.

The job hunter: If you're not motivated to help, there's a good chance you said yes to something when you wanted to say no. Maybe you're frustrated by your lack of boundaries and embarrassed that you want to get out of this commitment. You are avoiding the fact that you are out of integrity with yourself and the other person. Instead of hiding behind guilt, take responsibility for your decision and let the person know you're sorry and you can't make the introductions after all.

Guilt is a waste of your time. Instead, put that energy into feeling your real feelings and take ownership of the truth. You'll feel a lot better.

I hope this helps!

Christina