Live By Your Preferences

Time to read: Less than a minute

In your life, you have needs: food, shelter, financial resources, companionship. Much of your daily life is driven by those needs.

Then, many of you have obligations, things you feel you must do, even if you don't want to. I've talked in the past about eliminating as many obligations as possible. Filling your days with obligations is a recipe for dissatisfaction and dis-ease.

Here's where things get exciting. What if you could live more of your life according to your preferences? Preferences are just that - things you like, things that draw your attention, things that bring you joy. For example: it is my preference to wear chartreuse.

In fact, I will choose chartreuse for just about everything. (See photo of the plants around my pond.) Will my world stop turning without chartreuse? No. Will my children starve if I don't have chartreuse? No. I just like it better than any other color. It's a preference and filling the world with something I like brings joy to my existence.

If you enjoy spending time alone, engage your preference and spend time alone. If you prefer jazz, listen to jazz. If you prefer restful evenings in front of the TV, watch TV. If you prefer blood-pumping excitement, ride roller coasters.

When you live according to your preferences, you are freer, happier, and more fulfilled.

Summer is great time to experiment with your preferences. Have fun!

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What To Do When The Other Person Isn't Listening

Time to read: 55 seconds

A few weeks ago, this newsletter was about the importance of listening. I received a flurry of questions that sounded something like this:

"What do I do if the OTHER person isn't listening to ME?"

So many of you asked this question that I thought y'all would like to hear the answer I sent personally to people.

First and foremost, you don’t have any control over what other people do. People will listen or they won't. You can remove that responsibility from your shoulders.

Then, of course, you have the ability to influence what other people do and to express your own needs.

If the situation is a minor daily interaction or with someone in public (like a barista), the solution is simple:

• You can say something in the moment like, “I don’t think I was clear. Let me say that again.” or "Yeah, it's loud and hard to hear in here" (then repeat yourself). Your goal is a pleasant, mutually beneficial transaction, and the relationship is not worth the investment of any additional energy.
• When the relationship is worth the investment, you can still use the phrases in the bullet above. For small daily interactions, you might ratchet it up a tiny bit. When my children are on their phones and think they're listening, I'll say things like, “Oh, I’ll wait until you’re done.” Then they're on notice in a gentle way that I can tell they aren't listening.

If it's a bigger, chronic dynamic in a relationship that matters, talking openly about not feeling heard is the first step. Express your needs. Ask for what you want. Most often in loving, supportive relationships, the other person wants to do better and will do better.

However, sometimes someone just won't or chooses not to change. In that case, you get to choose to accept the dynamic or not continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to you. Either is an acceptable choice. You just need to be honest with yourself about what you can expect.

I hope this is helpful!

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Is It Time To Assess Your Life And Career?

Time to read: 10 seconds

In the past couple of weeks, I've heard a common story: You have lost motivation, are missing meaning, and feel like you get up each day, go through the motions at work and then drop in bed exhausted each night. You long for more fun. You long to enjoy work.

You wonder if you need to change jobs, change industries, start a business, or take a break.

You tell me you worry that making a change would simply be out of the frying pan, into the fire. Meaning, a big change won't fix it, and you're right. When you change the scenery, all you've done is, well, change the scenery. For things to be different, you have to shift your relationship to work so your career is filled with ease and elegance rather than harder work and burnout.

I haven't offered any services for many months. My coaching schedule has been bursting at the seams. It's summer, and I can feel that a lot of you are ready to evaluate where you've been, where you are going, and to formulate a plan to breathe new life into your career.

So, I have opened a few spaces for Work and Life Strategic Planning Sessions this summer. If you are curious to find out more about this stand-alone process, please hit reply to this email, and we'll find a time to chat.

The process involves an inventory of everything in your life and career by answering a series of questions and short assessments. Then we talk live about all the things and start to create a plan of action. Finally, I send you a written report that details what's working and what's not and a list of actionable recommendations to help you put work and life back on your terms.

If you want to know more, let's chat. Shoot me and email, and we'll find a time for a short chat.

Do you know someone who could use an evaluation of their life and career? Share this newsletter with them or have them email me! Anyone can sign up here.

Give Yourself Permission

Time to read: 10 seconds

'Tis the season of graduation. Actual graduations from high school to college. Impending retirements. From winter to summer. Weddings. Corporate reorganizations. New jobs.

All of these events mark huge transitions that come with feelings, logistical changes, shifting relationships, and changing identities.

Consider this question today: What are YOU graduating from?

If you have even a minute to spare, email me and tell me about your graduation - whatever it is. I always love to hear from you.

Know people who are in transition? Who are graduating? Share my newsletter freely! Anyone can sign up here.

Give Yourself Permission

Time to read: 46.5 seconds

If you need uplifting, today isn't it.

Today is about the permission to feel however you are feeling.

Here's me: I'm weary.

I got Covid in NYC. (I'm fine.) Everyone in my family and many of my friends either have Covid now or had it recently. Then there's Ukraine, and Buffalo. And Uvalde.

I'm tired of bad news. I'm tired of children getting killed. I'm tired of black people being killed. I'm tired of Asian people being killed. Frankly, I'm tired of all kinds of people getting killed. I'm tired of wearing a mask. I'm tired of trying to keep my parents safe. I'm tired of figuring out every day how to pull two teenagers through this world with hope and optimism.

I am fundamentally optimistic. I am grateful for many things (although today I'm just not feeling it, ya know?). I know that this will pass, and I'll be my cheery self again in no time.

And sometimes, my job as a coach is to model the full range of human experience and emotion so you have permission to have your full range of human experience and emotion.

Today, I'm weary.

I called a friend and she said, "welcome to Blue Island." If you're weary, too, or just not feeling it, pull up a beach chair. Blue Island a hopping place with free drinks. If you're feeling great…well….great! Free drinks for you, too.

Here's the message for today. If you are also feeling blue…or if you feel blue tomorrow or in a week…it's ok. You can simply feel blue and keep going. It's normal. Even desirable. The world is worth your weariness, sadness, even your despair.

If you know someone who needs permission to feel down, share my newsletter with them! Anyone can sign up here.