Relationships #2: 100% Is a Moving

Time to read: 1.3 minutes

Last time we talked about the 100/100 rule — you give your 100%, and so does the other person. Simple in theory. But there's a catch: 100% isn't a constant number.

100% effort fluctuates depending on how you feel and what's happening in life. When you are sick, 100% looks different. If you're super tired, your 100% will be less than when you are rested.

Think about it in practice. The friend who's usually the first to text back might go quiet for a week because they're drowning at work. The partner who normally initiates plans might not have it in them the month after a parent's diagnosis. Their 100% just shrank. It didn't disappear, and it isn't a downgrade of how much they care.

That's not you slacking, and it's not the other person slacking either when their 100% dips. The rule was never"always perform at your peak." The rule is: "show up honestly with what you actually have."

The tricky part is telling the difference between someone's 100% shrinking for a real reason and someone quietly settling into a smaller, permanent version of it. One is a season. The other is a pattern. It's worth paying attention to which one you're actually looking at before you decide whether to extend patience or ask for more.

Next week we'll talk about over-performing in relationships. I don't know anything about that. :-)

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Relationships #1: How Much Effort Should You Put In?

Time to read: 25 seconds

More vintage jewelry cuz, why not?!

See if any of these scenarios feel familiar:

• You are organizing all the plans for the holidays and resent that it's all on you.
• You are always the one inviting people to do things.
• You feel like you always push for the important conversation, the deep topics.

Maybe it's something else entirely. You're the one who remembers birthdays, who checks in after a hard week, who keeps the group chat alive. Whatever the specifics, the shape is the same.

All of these situations feel unbalanced. You feel like you are putting in all the effort. It's no fun when a relationship feels out of balance — and over time, that imbalance curdles into something quiet and toxic: resentment. Not the loud kind. The kind that shows up as a sigh when you're texting to make plans, again. This isn't a recipe for the connection you want.

So, how much effort should you put in?

Here's the simple answer: 100%.

You put in 100% of yourself and your effort. No more. No less. 100% is not 150% for all you over-performers out there. (Just making sure you got it!)

The expectation is that your friends, partners, and colleagues also put in their 100%. Not carrying you. Not being carried. Just two people, each bringing their full, honest share to the table.

That's the standard. It sounds obvious once you say it out loud — and yet most of the relationships that feel unbalanced are ones where nobody ever actually agreed to that standard. They just drifted into a pattern, and one person kept absorbing the gap.

This week, notice one place where you're filling a gap that isn't yours to fill. We'll keep talking about what to do!

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Fall Series! Relationships!

Time to read: 25 seconds

Our son made these desserts in his awesome new job!

Hey everyone, and welcome to September!

It's hard to believe that fall is starting. Time moves fast!

You tell me that your #1 priority is connection and relationships. Family, friends, community, work colleagues, even the cashier at the grocery store. In today's frayed political environment, relationships can be fraught and stressful.

So, I'm doing a series on relationships this fall. I will share my thoughts and tools, the things I tell clients, and the advice I give friends and my children. Relationships are my favorite topic. I can't wait to talk about it! If you have relationship questions, hit reply to this email and I'll add them to the series!

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Week 10: Putting it all together

Time to read: 1.25 minutes

This duck says, "keep reading!"

This summer started with a simple idea: you create your days, weeks, and years. Not the news, not the people who behave badly — you.

We talked about living well is not optional homework, it's the whole assignment. We talked about being well-used and spending your life on worthy pursuits. We talked about how regret rarely comes from what we did, but from what we quietly never did. We talked about being the change you wish to see, one interaction at a time.

Here's what ties all of it together: None of this was ever about the world getting easier or kinder or more sane. It was about you deciding who you're going to be in this world, no matter what.

You choose your response, effort, kindness, integrity, and entire being, consistently, over time, in small and big ways.

Creating your life was never going to be a choice you make once. Your life is an accumulation of small choices, made every day. To be honest, even when it's hard. To be grateful when you want to be rude. To take a break when the words you are about to say are not helpful. To clean up your messes when you inevitably make them (because you are human).

Multiply those choices by a life. That's what "creating your life" looks like from the inside.

So as summer winds down, here's your homework: Keep going. Keep choosing. Keep being well-used. Keep showing up as the person you've decided to be — one day, one choice, one person at a time.

That's the whole purpose of this life.

Live well!

Week 9: The Things You'll Never Know

Time to read: 1 m

Here's something worth remembering when it feels like your small kindness can't possibly matter against the scale of everything that's wrong: you will never know the effects of what you do.

As a coach, I have conversations with people on planes. I never see them again and have no idea what happened next. I travel all over the world, and my family will tell you, with a combination of pride and irritation, that I make friends everywhere. I constantly look for how to be the wind beneath the wings of people trying to fly.

When you show patience to the cranky gate agent, it might have been the moment that changed their week or made them kinder to the next person. Even if there was no effect on them, there was an impact on you.

When you change the temperature of a room, your family, or workplace, you aren't doing it to calculate the ROI (Return on Investment). You're doing it because it's who you've decided to be. You've made a choice.

When you do it and the next person does it, and on and on, it becomes a thing. You're not just refusing to become part of the problem; you are part of the solution. One person at a time.

That's the whole practice, the same one we've been talking about all summer. Small, deliberate choices about who you're going to be, made without needing to see where they land.

Week 8: Be The Antidote To Cynicism

Time to read: 1 minute!

Uranium Glass!

Somewhere along the way, being kind got branded as soft, like you have your head in the sand or aren't being "realistic."

I think it's the opposite. Choosing kindness in a hard world isn't naive; it's a deliberate act, made with full knowledge of how people can behave. Being kind is harder than cynicism, not easier.

Cynicism is the low-effort choice. You get to point at what's wrong and stop. Kindness requires you to show up decently even when you have evidence that decency isn't guaranteed back. That takes more strength, not less. It requires thought, intention, and self-management not to shoot back with the mean but witty thing in your head.

When you're decent, you're not being a doormat or pretending bad behavior doesn't have consequences. You can hold boundaries and still choose to be the person who doesn't add cruelty to a day that already has enough of it.

The world doesn't need more people who can point out the problem. It needs more people willing to be the counterexample. And that's YOU. (and me)

Week 7: How Do You Create Change?

Time to read: 58 seconds

Goodness, owls are cute!

All summer we've been talking about feeling well-used and being responsible for creating your life. I want to shift to how this applies to living in a chaotic world where it seems like people have lost their decency.

You can't choose the news cycle. You don't choose the driver who cut you off, how a stranger talks online, or whether the world gets kinder this year. If you could change these things, you would have a long time ago.

Here's what you are responsible for: how you treat the person in front of you.

That sounds small next to the size of national politics. It's the most important lever you have to enact real change, and it matters. Every interaction you have is a chance to either add to the noise or subtract from it.

Being the change doesn't mean fixing the world. It means refusing to let the world's worst behavior become an excuse for your own. Someone is going to be rude to a service worker today. It doesn't have to be you. Someone is going to assume the worst about a stranger today. It doesn't have to be you.

You're not responsible for how the world behaves. You are entirely responsible for how you do.

I find this concept liberating.