Relationships #5: Tired Of Being The One Who Plans Everything? Do this!

Time to read: 85 seconds

Last week we talked about being the instigator, the person who always sets the date and sends the group text. If you read it and thought, "That's me, and I'm tired," this one is for you.

Many of us wait for others to notice we're doing too much. We hope someone will say, "Let me plan this one." Sometimes they do. Often they don't, and it's not because they don't care. Most people simply assume that if you're organizing everything, you want to. They can't see how you feel unless you tell them.

And who doesn't love traveling with a friend who makes all the plans?

The good news is that asking is easier than you'd expect. A few ways to start:

• Hand off one thing. "Can you pick the restaurant this time?" is small and specific, and it's hard to say no to.
• Name a rotation. "Let's take turns hosting. I'll do this month; who's up next?"
• Say what you enjoy. "I love planning the trips, but I'd love some help with the booking."
• Be direct, not accusatory. "I've noticed I'm usually the one who reaches out. Could you suggest the next get-together?" works better than "Why do I always have to do this?" which is a great start to a conflict.

Notice what these have in common. They're clear, kind, and ask for one thing at a time. You're not criticizing anyone. You're giving them a chance to step up.

And if you ask and nothing changes? That's useful information, too. It doesn't mean you should stop caring, but it may tell you where to invest your energy.

This week, try asking for one small thing from one person. See what happens. Next week we'll talk about what to do if you ask and nothing changes.

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to join our conversation about creating healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Relationships #4: Why am I the one who plans everything?

Time to read: 1 min

Beautiful amethyst

If you've followed the past three weeks about giving 100% in your relationships (no more, no less), today might seem like a contradiction. Stay with me.

Maybe you're the one who always schedules the lunch or pulls the friends together for a road trip, and you've wondered, "Why am I the only one who...?" Being the person who initiates doesn't necessarily mean you're over-performing.

Every group, every pair, needs an instigator: the person who picks up the phone, sets the date, sends the group text. Without one, nothing happens.

On Friday, I went to a reunion of over 200 people who worked for the same company 20 years ago. It happened because one man sent an email saying, "Hey, let's get together next Friday." He booked the space, ordered the food, handled the communication, and recruited volunteers. He looked like he was having the time of his life. He wasn't over-performing. He was doing what he loved, and 200+ of us showed up because of it.

People play different roles. You organize the lunch, a friend remembers birthdays, you bring the food, another friend finds the perfect gift. Each one matters.

Still, the instigator role can feel lopsided, and that feeling is worth noticing. Ask yourself: is this a gift or a burden? If you enjoy it, appreciate what you bring and let the "Why me?" story go. If it's wearing you down, ask for help with the logistics or let someone else pick the date and place.

This week, think about which role you play, and whether you've thanked the people who play the others.

Just a thought. :-)

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to join our conversation about creating healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Relationships #3: The Downside of 150%

Time to read: 1 minute and a few seconds

Today might be a little uncomfortable. Stay with me because it's territory I know well.

Overperformance!

My favorite.

Here's the uncomfortable flip side of the 100/100 rule: sometimes the imbalance isn't about someone else giving too little. It's about you giving too much.

Just because you over-perform doesn't mean other people have to step up and give 150% too.

You tell yourself lots of stories about your over-performance. It's care, or responsibility, or just "how I am." You're the one who remembers the details, smooths things over, makes sure nothing falls through the cracks. It's easy to wear that as an identity without noticing you've quietly set the bar at 150% and started measuring yourself and everyone else against it.

The problem is, 150% is exhausting you and isn't a standard other people agreed to. So when someone shows up at an honest 100%, it can feel like they're falling short, even though, by the actual rule, they're doing exactly their part. Or you're doing all the things and falling in bed cross-eyed at night.

Over-performing has many reasons: discomfort with asking for what you need, wrapping your worth in your work (that's me), or maybe it's just habit, built up over years of doing it all.

If you're constantly the one organizing, inviting, initiating — before asking why won't they meet me here,"" it's worth asking a more uncomfortable question first: am I operating at 100%, or have I quietly made 150% my baseline, and now I'm tired and resentful that no one else is matching a number I set for myself?

Maybe it's time to pull yourself back to 100%. For your sake and for your relationships.

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Enjoy the food for thought!

Relationships #2: 100% Is a Moving

Time to read: 1.3 minutes

Last time we talked about the 100/100 rule — you give your 100%, and so does the other person. Simple in theory. But there's a catch: 100% isn't a constant number.

100% effort fluctuates depending on how you feel and what's happening in life. When you are sick, 100% looks different. If you're super tired, your 100% will be less than when you are rested.

Think about it in practice. The friend who's usually the first to text back might go quiet for a week because they're drowning at work. The partner who normally initiates plans might not have it in them the month after a parent's diagnosis. Their 100% just shrank. It didn't disappear, and it isn't a downgrade of how much they care.

That's not you slacking, and it's not the other person slacking either when their 100% dips. The rule was never"always perform at your peak." The rule is: "show up honestly with what you actually have."

The tricky part is telling the difference between someone's 100% shrinking for a real reason and someone quietly settling into a smaller, permanent version of it. One is a season. The other is a pattern. It's worth paying attention to which one you're actually looking at before you decide whether to extend patience or ask for more.

Next week we'll talk about over-performing in relationships. I don't know anything about that. :-)

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Relationships #1: How Much Effort Should You Put In?

Time to read: 25 seconds

More vintage jewelry cuz, why not?!

See if any of these scenarios feel familiar:

• You are organizing all the plans for the holidays and resent that it's all on you.
• You are always the one inviting people to do things.
• You feel like you always push for the important conversation, the deep topics.

Maybe it's something else entirely. You're the one who remembers birthdays, who checks in after a hard week, who keeps the group chat alive. Whatever the specifics, the shape is the same.

All of these situations feel unbalanced. You feel like you are putting in all the effort. It's no fun when a relationship feels out of balance — and over time, that imbalance curdles into something quiet and toxic: resentment. Not the loud kind. The kind that shows up as a sigh when you're texting to make plans, again. This isn't a recipe for the connection you want.

So, how much effort should you put in?

Here's the simple answer: 100%.

You put in 100% of yourself and your effort. No more. No less. 100% is not 150% for all you over-performers out there. (Just making sure you got it!)

The expectation is that your friends, partners, and colleagues also put in their 100%. Not carrying you. Not being carried. Just two people, each bringing their full, honest share to the table.

That's the standard. It sounds obvious once you say it out loud — and yet most of the relationships that feel unbalanced are ones where nobody ever actually agreed to that standard. They just drifted into a pattern, and one person kept absorbing the gap.

This week, notice one place where you're filling a gap that isn't yours to fill. We'll keep talking about what to do!

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Fall Series! Relationships!

Time to read: 25 seconds

Our son made these desserts in his awesome new job!

Hey everyone, and welcome to September!

It's hard to believe that fall is starting. Time moves fast!

You tell me that your #1 priority is connection and relationships. Family, friends, community, work colleagues, even the cashier at the grocery store. In today's frayed political environment, relationships can be fraught and stressful.

So, I'm doing a series on relationships this fall. I will share my thoughts and tools, the things I tell clients, and the advice I give friends and my children. Relationships are my favorite topic. I can't wait to talk about it! If you have relationship questions, hit reply to this email and I'll add them to the series!

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Week 10: Putting it all together

Time to read: 1.25 minutes

This duck says, "keep reading!"

This summer started with a simple idea: you create your days, weeks, and years. Not the news, not the people who behave badly — you.

We talked about living well is not optional homework, it's the whole assignment. We talked about being well-used and spending your life on worthy pursuits. We talked about how regret rarely comes from what we did, but from what we quietly never did. We talked about being the change you wish to see, one interaction at a time.

Here's what ties all of it together: None of this was ever about the world getting easier or kinder or more sane. It was about you deciding who you're going to be in this world, no matter what.

You choose your response, effort, kindness, integrity, and entire being, consistently, over time, in small and big ways.

Creating your life was never going to be a choice you make once. Your life is an accumulation of small choices, made every day. To be honest, even when it's hard. To be grateful when you want to be rude. To take a break when the words you are about to say are not helpful. To clean up your messes when you inevitably make them (because you are human).

Multiply those choices by a life. That's what "creating your life" looks like from the inside.

So as summer winds down, here's your homework: Keep going. Keep choosing. Keep being well-used. Keep showing up as the person you've decided to be — one day, one choice, one person at a time.

That's the whole purpose of this life.

Live well!