What To Do About Your Guilt?

Time to read: 1 min, 2 seconds

From my garden

When I asked "what do you need?" earlier this spring, a number of you said, "I feel guilty about lots of things. Please say more about guilt."

Always happy to talk about guilt because guilt is a useless waste of time. There, I said it.

Here's what I mean:

Guilt is a false emotion. It's something you throw up in front of a situation or a real feeling to give yourself credit for "taking action." And yet, the guilt persists in a way that is unpleasant and unhelpful to you.

A couple of examples:

• Let's say you have a relative in a nursing home, and you feel guilty because you never visited. Your guilt doesn't help you feel better, and it also doesn't inspire you to visit.
• Or you feel guilty when you play golf with your friends instead of cleaning your garage. Your guilt gets in the way of fun with your friends, and the garage still doesn't get cleaned.

So what's happening and what do you do about your guilt? I tell clients to look for what is more real. Let's go back to our examples and unpack what might be more real in each situation.

• You are sad that you don't have a relationship with that relative that makes you want to visit them. Or you are grieving the person you loved and are having a hard time seeing them so diminished. Or you're pissed that you are the only one caring for this relative when other family members won't step in. Instead of feeling guilty, give yourself permission to experience your real feelings - sadness, grief, or anger and then do something about those feelings instead of steeping in guilt.
• You may feel like you don't deserve to have fun when there is work to do. Or you may not feel like you deserve to enjoy yourself at all. Work on those more real things rather than ruining a beautiful day out with friends feeling guilty.

Does this make sense? The bottom line is to go for what's more real and feel or deal with that. Then the guilt will lift and leave you free to make clearer decisions about what you want.

As always, reach out with your questions and stories. I love to hear from you.!

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A Pitiful Story

Time to read: Less than one minute

Today is our last false emotion. Pity!

Oy. I'm going to tell you a vulnerable story.

I was talking with my coach. (Yes, coaches have coaches). Actually, it was less like talking and more like sobbing. I was admitting something I'm ashamed of. I started to say what a terrible person I am for having this thought when she stopped me. She said, "what would it be like to feel the feelings of shame and remorse without going to self-pity?"

Her challenge hit me between the eyes.

Ugh.

I saw the self-pity immediately and finally got how self-pity works.

First of all, it's so, so, sad, and well... pitiful.

Second, self-pity is convenient off-ramp. By taking the detour down the self-pity highway, you let yourself off the hook of your real feelings. You let yourself off the hook of responsibility.

See a pattern in the past month of newsletters?

Examining false emotions invites you to:

1. Get real. Be honest with yourself about what's actually going on so you can address it effectively.
2. Take responsibility. When you're honest with yourself, you can take ownership of what's actually happening. That may mean taking care of yourself as you feel your true emotions or it may mean being responsible for the ways your guilt, self-pity, blame or overwhelm have affected your family, friends and colleagues.
3. Be free. Taking responsibility is so liberating. You are no longer stuck behind a facade.

As a professional, why should you care about false emotions? Because they waste your time and energy. Because they keep you from being the powerful leader you are in your life and work. Because they get in the way of the impact you want to have.

You've got stuff to do and people to help and a world to change. No more hiding and playing small.

With rebel love,

Christina

P.S. Do you even dare send this newsletter to someone with a note that says, "I see your self-pity and thought this would help!" Or, "I know xyz situation has been hard for you. I thought you'd enjoy this quick read." You might change someone's life. They can sign up to join us here.

P.P.S. February is the perfect time to review 2019 and plan for 2020. Reach out if you'd like to explore an intentional plan for 2020.

It's Guilt Week!

Time to read: Less than 2. 5 minutes

Guilty Dog

Last week, I promised you that we would deal with false emotions for the month of February.

Today is GUILT day! Yaaaaaaay!

You know guilt. You feel guilty when you don't call your mother enough. You feel guilty when you say, "let's get together for lunch," and then you never call. You feel guilty when you say no to a project, and it lands on your colleague's plate.

Like overwhelm from last week, guilt is a false emotion.

I'm going to give it to you straight.

Guilt is a shield you put up to make yourself feel like you're doing something when you aren't. If you feel guilty about not visiting your parents more often, then you're doing something about not visiting them, right?

Nope.

Nice try.

Like all false emotions, look underneath to see what's really going on.

1. Identify your actual feelings. Hint: Those will be the uncomfortable feelings you are trying to avoid. Under guilt is typically remorse or anger.


2. Feel the feelings. I'll say this every week. Feel the remorse or anger so you can clear the path, let the guilt go, and get clear about the truth in your situation.


3. Take action from the truth. Once you feel the remorse or anger, you can decide if you want to visit your parents or invite that friend to lunch or clean things up with your colleague who got the project. You'll be clear.

Here's an example so you can see how this works: Let's say you never get together with some old friends, and you feel guilty every time you say no to their invitations. First, identify your true feelings. You might feel remorse that you actually don't want to get together with these friends anymore. Or remorse that you've grown apart from them as your lives have taken different directions. Allow yourself your sadness, loss and remorse.

Once you've cleared the feelings, then you can decide what to do. Maybe it's time to say goodbye. Maybe you need to redesign your relationship with them. Now that you have a baby, you're just not interested in hanging out at the bar anymore. Perhaps there's a new way to hang out together. Maybe there's one person you want to see and you're done with the others. Double down on that one friendship instead.

See how this works?

Coming soon: blame and self-pity.

So fun.

Remember: Getting honest with yourself about the shield of false emotions will liberate you! It's worth the effort to build your awareness and feel your feelings.

It's an honor to be in your in-box each week. Have a great weekend!

With rebel love,

Christina

P.S. Know someone who suffers from guilt? Oh yes. This is a popular one. Forward this newsletter them. They can sign up to join us here.

P.P.S. January and February are the perfect time to review 2019 and plan for 2020. Reach out if you'd like to explore an intentional plan for 2020.

Feeling Overwhelmed? Do This Instead...

Time to read: 1:08.57 - I guess I could just say 1:09 but 1:08.57 sounds more scientific.

Find the magic

You awake in the night, worried about the next day. You feel behind before your first cup of coffee. The more you do, the longer your to-do list seems to get. That's overwhelm. You're trying to fit 10 pounds of stuff into a 5 pound bag and feel powerless to do anything about it. Sound familiar?

There's good news.

Overwhelm is a false emotion, which means that overwhelm is something you throw up as a shield in front of your true emotions to "protect" yourself from the discomfort of your real feelings. The bad news is that overwhelm keeps you spinning with no end in sight.

There's an easy (although not always comfortable) way out. Here's the prescription to manage your overwhelm:

1. Feel the feelings. Underneath the false emotion of overwhelm usually lies a martyr, the one who feels like YOU have to do it all. The martyr feels unappreciated. Unrecognized. Put-upon. When you feel the martyr, look underneath. You might find rage, jealousy, maybe even loneliness. Peek behind the overwhelm to find your true feeling and feel them instead.
2. Leverage the other side of martyr. On the flip side of martyr is love and magic. When you feel like the world is on YOUR shoulders, look for what you love. Look for the best expression of you. Look for the magic you bring to the people in your life and do more of that instead.

Here's an example: Let's say you feel like you are always the one to make social arrangements. You invite people to lunch. You make the dinner reservations. You resent that your friends and colleagues never seem to initiate. (Hello, martyr!) Perhaps what you feel is lonely. Maybe even pissed that no one else makes things happen. Pause. Feel the loneliness and anger. Then lean into the love you feel for your friends and colleagues, the fun you have when hanging out with them, and your magic as a connector of people. Then you can give your gift freely without the burden of overwhelm.

Without all that stinky energy, you'll have more time and more fun. You'll likely get a lot more done, too.

In coming weeks, I'll talk about the false emotions of blame, self-pity, and guilt. By March, you'll be free!

It's an honor to be in your in-box each week. Have a great weekend!

With rebel love,

Christina

P.S. Know someone who suffers from overwhelm? Forward this newsletter them. They can sign up to join us here.

P.P.S. January and February are the perfect time to review 2019 and plan for 2020. Reach out if you'd like to explore an intentional plan for 2020.