Practices That Change The World #10 - Part 2

Time to read: 55 seconds

Remember last week? Me yelling at the hotel clerk? Last week was Part 1: Recover. This is Part 2 of what to do when you've behaved in ways you're not proud of.

REPAIR

First let me say that humans are messy. That means that sometimes, other people will be messy. Other times, you will be messy, confused, hurt, angry, tired, frustrated, and you will lose your abilty to keep your confusion/anger/hurt /tired/frustration under wraps.

So, in any relationship, whether with a friend, or even in the case of a hotel clerk, REPAIR is crucial. To repair requires compassion, grace, forgiveness and a commitment to understanding that humans are messy, including yourself.

The temptation is to judge, hold impossibly high standards and walk away, writing the other person off as wrong, annoying, or as someone who deserved it. This is not a great framework for living in a world filled with other people.

I invite you to consider the power of repair....for what it does for you and for the other person.

Here's how repair works in the form of an apology.

An apology requires you to take ownership for yourself (if you are the one apologizing) and to receive the apology (if you are the one, well, receiving the apology).

Here is an ineffective apology:

Me: "Sorry I yelled. I just wanted you to not charge me for the room tonight (blame). I've had a hard week (justification)."

Hotel Clerk: Uh....um....

Let's try that again with an effective apology.

Me: I'm sorry I yelled at you.""

Hotel Clerk: "It's ok." (Notice the desire to make everything ok as quickly as possible except it's not actually ok because I haven't yet taken ownership.)

Me: "Actually, it's not ok. Please let me apologize. My behavior was out of line. You were doing your job and did not deserve to be treated like that. I'm sorry."

Hotel Clerk: "Thank you for apologizing. That isn't the worst thing that's going to happen to me today."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that. It should be."

See? A win for self-compassion. Connection made. Relationship restored.

You are not expected to be perfect. You will mess up. You will hurt people. You will be messy. Welcome to being human.

P.S. If you love this newsletter, your friends and colleagues will, too. Anyone can sign up here.

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Practices That Change The World #10 - Part 1

Time to read: 36 seconds

This is one of those exposing newsletters complete with a vulnerable story.

A few weeks ago, I yelled at a hotel clerk. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her manager, I said yes and then yelled at him, too. I have a long rope and reached the end of it. This was clearly not my finest moment.

Which brings me to today's practice Part 1, RECOVER.

You are human. I am human. Humans sometimes lose themselves or behave in ways you wish you hadn't. Moments like losing it on the hotel clerk, yelling at your kids, being short with a colleague are humbling and a sign that self-compassion, rest, and self-care are in order.

When stuff like this happens, you either step in to judge yourself ("I'm a terrible human being") or you blame the other person ("They were being unreasonable"). Both of these responses let you off the hook of ownership for yourself and the vulnerabilty of knowing you're fallible.

So, what do you do when you've behaved in ways you're not proud of?

There are two steps: RECOVER (Part 1) and REPAIR (Part 2 which is next week).

When you fly off the handle, you send a flood of chemicals into your brain and trigger your fight or flight response. This is not your most measured, kind, reasonable self. You need to give yourself time to clear the chemical tsunami.

To recover, take time and find your way back. Talk to a friend. Meditate. Sit quietly. Journal. Do whatever you need to find your ground and recover back to yourself.

Repair is not possible until you have recovered. So, next week, I'll give you a script for repair.

Practices That Change The World #9

Time to read: 36 seconds

There's a saying in coaching that goes like this, "The magic's in the telling." Oftentimes, simply telling your story of an experience is all you need to move through it.

Today's practice is LISTEN.

Here's a structure for really listening:

First, use this process for an experience that you can't seem to shake. Something that sticks to you.

Then, find a trusted person - a friend, therapist, even an aquaintance that you have good rapport with. This process can be one-direction or it's wonderful if you and the other person trade stories.

For the person talking: Your only job is to tell your story, starting wherever you want and adding in all the details.

For the person listening: Your job is to witness. You can ask clarifying questions that seek to understand. You are not care-taking, fixing, offering advice, or solving. You simply listen and witness.

Depending on the story, give yourself 1-1.5 hours. You want time to lay it all out.

Then feel the relief and watch the stickiness of your story dissipate over the next few days.

Behold the power of listening!

Have a great weekend!

Practices That Change The World #8

Time to read: 36 seconds

My son's homemade ramen

Today's practice to change the world is simple and immediately actionable:

EAT

Your day gets busy, you skip lunch, you probably skipped breakfast, too. By 1:00 you are depleted, tired, and crabby. That's because your brain is starving. Your body lacks energy.

We need you at 100% in whatever you do with your day. Solving complex engineering problems needs food. Managing human relationships needs food. Parenting children of any age definintely needs food.

Energy bars don't cut it. Coffee is not breakfast. Popcorn doesn't count as dinner.

Your brain and body need real food. A few years ago, I realized that I get so absorbed in coaching that I forgot to eat lunch. My goals for that year included "eat lunch everyday." That's not a lofty, glamorous goal and eating lunch everyday created profound change.

So, put down this newsletter and eat.

Then do it again tomorrow and this weekend and forever.

Have a great weekend!