The Most Important Skill In Conflict

Time to read: 34 seconds

Here's a little secret about me. I love conflict. Conflict breeds clarity. Energy. Possibility. If handled well, conflict invites change, understanding, and creativity. (To clarify: I'm not talking about violence or war. I'm talking about interpersonal conflict at work and at home).

You only need to handle all types of conflict in your life, no matter how uncomfortable.

Listening.

If a co-worker is angry because something you said made them feel thrown under the bus in a meeting, what do you do?

Listen.

When your boss disagrees with a decision you made?

Listen.

When your tween screams, "you don't understand!"

Listen.

When your partner complains that all household chores fall to them....

Listen.

Listening is easy. You don't have to have an answer. You don't have to know what to do. You only have to shut your mouth, manage your feelings, and listen. Maybe ask a clarifying question or two to keep the person talking.

Oh...and when you listen, you are seeking to understand. Not planning your response.

Give it a try. Next time you find yourself in a conflict big or small, try saying nothing and simply listening. For as long as it takes. Then let me know what happens! I love your stories.

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One Easy Way To Get What You Want

Time to read: 56 seconds

New York!

In case your life is full this week, here's the punchline:

To get what you want, ask.

My daughter and I are headed to New York City for two weeks. She's doing an internship/shadow, and I am her roadie managing logistics and food. This trip happened because she sent an email asking for help, and the person responded with generosity beyond her wildest imagination.

I'm going to admit something here….I actually discouraged her from asking because I didn't want her to be a bother. (Notice what stops you from asking.) She did anyway, and she's off to the opportunity of a lifetime. (It's a good thing my teen daughter doesn't listen to me.)

So, go ahead. Bother the person. Ask. If you don't, the answer is certainly no.

When you ask, sometimes things don't work out or the answer is no. That's ok, too. It's not about the outcome, it's about opening space for possibilities.

So, go ahead and ask. I'd love to hear what you ask for, and what happens when you do.

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When Your Day Is A Pile-On….Do This

Time to read: 1 minute, 2.5 seconds

Bird Murmurations, Tanya Hart, UC Davis

Oh my. Yesterday, everything exploded.

My husband and I squabbled at 6:30 am about food for our daughter's graduation party and the chaos lasted until midnight when I wrapped up a call with a frustrated volunteer. In between, my father was admitted to the hospital (He's fine, Nothing to worry about.), people across the country were texting and emailing with random questions, I realized picking up my son collided with a dinner meeting, client sessions were packed back to back, and a friend needed to decompress after being a first responder to a motorcycle accident on the highway. (The man was alive - saved by an excellent helmet.)

For the entire day, chaos kept coming and coming.

In the midst of the chaos, I noticed something else. Grace. Ease. Flow.

In the past, I would have found a day like this overwhelming. This time, I watched as help arrived and space opened, like a flock of birds changing direction in unison. My husband picked up our son so I happened to be free when my friend needed help. My father's admission to the hospital meant the doctors could treat something while it was still minor. Clients understood when I needed to end on time in order to call my mom. The dinner meeting resolved the questions about food for the graduation party. Time emerged to answer everyone's emails. Trust was forged in a late night phone call when we both happened to be awake.

Stuff happens. Even bad stuff. You and I both know that. Yesterday I learned that if you pay attention just beneath the visible circumstances of the stuff, you see grace and space. The day flowed, and all I had to do was ride, stay present, and respond in each moment.

Then the chaos passed. Today is calm and quiet.

I can't explain why stuff happens in a pile-on. It just does. When the pile-on happens in your life, tune your attention just beneath the surface. You'll be amazed by what you find.

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How to Communicate Across Differences

Time to read: 56 seconds

I don't know what it is. My son created it in ceramics.

My son has managed, against everything you see and read, to create true friendships across significant differences. He has liberal friends who hunt and shoot guns, conservative friends who don't believe in evolution, friends who are atheists, and friends who have found Jesus. They hang out every day. And not only that, they talk (maybe banter is a better word as they are teen boys) about their differences openly and still play video games together every night.

In an increasingly polarized world where families are torn apart by politics and religion, I'm fascinated by how this group of 17-year-old boys is accomplishing something many adults can't. I asked him about it and he said, "they're kind." They see beyond differences to the complexity of each person - their talent in theater, sense of humor, and ability to destroy zombies in the nightly video game sessions. They are also able to hold their convictions without bowing to the crowd. I'm amazed and heartened.

I'm sharing a resource today to help us adults engage in effective conversation across differences, particularly in dealing with racism. The idea that love and connection can be part of uncomfortable situations is nothing short of revolutionary. If we see each other as kind and connected, wow…what would be possible?

So, here is a Ted Talk by Smith professor Loretta J. Ross about "Calling In" rather than "Calling Out." I'm pretty sure a group of teen boys isn't this graceful in their conversations yet. I hope you like it.

As always, I love to hear from you.

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