I'm Embarrassed To Admit This…

Time to read: 53 seconds

In my new side hustle (The Vintage Concierge), a designer asked me to put together a stack of silver plate trays for a dining room. Found these! Has zero to do with today's content. :-)

A reader asked me to talk about how to develop efficient and effective working relationships between introverts and extroverts. This topic is going to take a few weeks so keep reading!

First let me say I am uniquely qualified to talk about this subject. I am an uber-extrovert married to and parenting uber-introverts. 40 years ago, when I was young and stupid, I thought introversion was a problem to fix. "Talk more!" "Get out there!" I'm embarrassed to admit my ignorance.

My ignorance is reflected in what is often called our society's "Extrovert Ideal." Meaning, the preference in our fast-paced workplaces for the quick thinking, fast and constant talking, go-go-go style of extroverts. (The best book on the power of Introverts is Susan Cain's, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. If you are an Extrovert, get this book. You need the education. If you are an Introvert, this book will be the most validating thing you've ever read.)

Then my daughter was born, and I witnessed her silent power and magnetic personality. Kids and adults were drawn to her. When she spoke, the room listened.

In my daughter's education and then later in coaching MBA students at the Carlson School of Management at the University of Minnesota, I saw how introverts are pushed to become something they are not (talkative). I also saw how introvert power is different from extrovert power and necessary to the success of our organizations and communities. Workplaces, schools, and families must create space for introverts to be introverts. Otherwise, we are robbing ourselves of powerful contributions.

Fun fact: Did you know that about 70% of corporate CEOs describe themselves as introverts? (Read Susan Cain's book)

Surprised? Next week, I'll talk about the benefits and detriments of Introversion. Then the following week, the benefits and detriments of Extroversion. In the fourth week, I'll share how to effectively work together.

This is a deep topic. Thank you, dear reader, for suggesting it!

Spread Joy!

Time to read: 53 seconds

I was working with a leadership team last week, and after hours of exercises and reflection, they were preparing to declare their personal commitment to the team.

They asked for examples and I said, "The commitment I make everywhere I go and whatever I'm doing is to spread joy." I believe that a positive attitude is revolutionary. Cynicism of other people and institutions is rampant, and it's not an effective way to build community and connection.

It's easy:

• Say a kind thing to every service worker, all day
• Openly appreciate your family
• Express gratitude to your colleagues
• Compliment people

The easiest words ever:

• Thank you
• I am grateful for....
• It's great that you....
• That project was tough and you knocked it out of the park.

As JFK said, "A rising tide, lifts all boats." What commitment do you make to raise the tide?

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What's Your Weird Little Process?

Time to read: 53 seconds

A client was berating himself for making a big decision that didn't work out like he'd hoped. As he told the story it became clear that he is the kind of person who has to experience life up close and personal before he knows what's true. He has to feel life, and sometimes blow things up to understand what he really wants.

I pointed out that his discontent wasn't a sign of failure. The decision to make a significant change was his own weird little process of prototyping life…making things happen, trying things, going to the edge to see how it feels in order to understand better what's important to him. He left our session feeling better than when he arrived because he found acceptance for his process.

What's your weird little process?

For example, I used to FREAK OUT before launching something new. Once I understood that the freak-out was just a little stop I needed to make on my way to courage, I stopped worrying that something was wrong. My clients make stops in apathy or procrastination or silence or any number of other weird little processes.

The trick is to accept and appreciate your process and drop any judgment or worry. When you can do that, life gets MUCH easier.

What's yours? Write to me and tell me all about it. I really do love hearing from you.

Email me

Today Is One Word (Plus a few more)

Time to read: 10 seconds

Last week I invited you to consider where you have fun and where you can have more. This week, here is a place to look to expand your fun.

What did you like to do as a child?

Did you like to day dream? Play fantasy games? Build things? Have tea parties? Collect? Look waaaay back and find hints to fun activities you might want to bring back into your life, maybe in new ways.

When I was a child, I spent hours and hours in my grandparent's attic, digging through boxes, enjoying the treasure hunt and the beautiful old things. I used to wonder if digging through attics could be a job. As I grew up, I forgot about it.

Fast forward 45 years. A side hustle has grown up around my hobby of vintage costume jewelry. I'm now sourcing vintage items to order for friends and neighbors. I dig through the grandma's attic at estate sales to find the treasures for other people. It's a blast. My old childhood play has transformed into a new adult joy.

What did you do as a child? I can't wait to hear all about it! Email me

Today Is One Word (plus a few more)

I have been thinking about one word for you, me, and my clients.

FUN!

If you are having fun, how can you have more? If you are not having fun, what can you change to breathe more fun into your life and work?

It could look like this:

• Bake cupcakes for the office
• Have hat day on a Zoom meeting (When I worked for a big medical device manufacturer, we actually did have hat day on our team to celebrate the completion of every big project.)
• Write notes to people telling them how much you appreciate them.
• Bring someone a surprise gift. (This is a personal favorite!)

As always, please write to me and tell me all about your fun. Email me You're the best!

What To Do About Your Guilt?

Time to read: 1 min, 2 seconds

From my garden

When I asked "what do you need?" earlier this spring, a number of you said, "I feel guilty about lots of things. Please say more about guilt."

Always happy to talk about guilt because guilt is a useless waste of time. There, I said it.

Here's what I mean:

Guilt is a false emotion. It's something you throw up in front of a situation or a real feeling to give yourself credit for "taking action." And yet, the guilt persists in a way that is unpleasant and unhelpful to you.

A couple of examples:

• Let's say you have a relative in a nursing home, and you feel guilty because you never visited. Your guilt doesn't help you feel better, and it also doesn't inspire you to visit.
• Or you feel guilty when you play golf with your friends instead of cleaning your garage. Your guilt gets in the way of fun with your friends, and the garage still doesn't get cleaned.

So what's happening and what do you do about your guilt? I tell clients to look for what is more real. Let's go back to our examples and unpack what might be more real in each situation.

• You are sad that you don't have a relationship with that relative that makes you want to visit them. Or you are grieving the person you loved and are having a hard time seeing them so diminished. Or you're pissed that you are the only one caring for this relative when other family members won't step in. Instead of feeling guilty, give yourself permission to experience your real feelings - sadness, grief, or anger and then do something about those feelings instead of steeping in guilt.
• You may feel like you don't deserve to have fun when there is work to do. Or you may not feel like you deserve to enjoy yourself at all. Work on those more real things rather than ruining a beautiful day out with friends feeling guilty.

Does this make sense? The bottom line is to go for what's more real and feel or deal with that. Then the guilt will lift and leave you free to make clearer decisions about what you want.

As always, reach out with your questions and stories. I love to hear from you.!

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How To Manage Your Nervous System

Time to read: 55 seconds

One of my doctor friends says, "Mental health is physical health." What she means is managing your physical body is key to managing your brain and stress. So, to our reader last week who asked about how to manage her nervous system, here are some tips:

• Pay attention to your body and the effect of stress on you. Learn to read your body's cues.
• Take care of yourself physically. Move. Eat. Drink water. Sleep. These strategies are basic yet vital to your ability to cope.
• Each of you will respond to different techniques for managing your nervousness. Find the strategies that work for you. Here are some possibilities:
• Breathe. A simple sigh, deep breath, box breathing, and other fancy breathing techniques can quickly ground you in your body.
• Rub your fingers together, draw circles on your leg, or use some other physical sensation to distract the stress and bring you into your body.
• Get up and move around if you start to feel overwhelmed. Walk and take calls.
• Get outside.

Things like yoga and meditation are excellent practices for managing your nervous system, and you don't have to go to a studio or buy special equipment to find the strategies that work for you.

I hope this helps!