Living With Chaos: The Touchy Feely Part

Time to read: 50 seconds

Custom charm bracelets!

Welcome to week 3 of Living with Chaos. If you are enjoying this series, please share it with your people. They can join here.

If you hate the f-word (feelings), keep reading. You need this.

Chaos breeds feelings. You get a new boss, you have feelings. Your child decides not to go to college, you have feelings. Your sister gets a scary test result, you have feelings.

The first strategy for living in chaos is to feel your feelings. This doesn't mean wallow forever or yell at other people. Feeling your emotions is for you, alone, to recognize and acknowledge your reaction to the chaos and how you feel.

Feelings are like weather. They move through 24/7. Sometimes emotions are sunny and warm and sometimes they are a thunderstorm. You are responsible to move your feelings through so they don't become stuck. If you don't, they come out sideways…flipping off someone in traffic or yelling at the barista, your child, or a co-worker. Then you have a mess to deal with which adds to the chaos.

So, take ownership of your feelings. Cry on the drive home. Take an evening to journal. Talk to a friend. Stomp around your basement. Do what works for you to allow your feelings to move through. That will help quiet the chaos.

Next week, another strategy for living with chaos.

Living With Chaos: Good News! You Have No Control

Time to read: 36 seconds

It's awesome vintage!

Welcome to week 1 of Living with Chaos. I'm going to keep this multi-week series brief, to the point, and immediately useful. Your life is full (cue the chaos) so I want the return-on-investment of your time to read this newsletter to be high. Please share it with your friends and family and anyone who experiences chaos and wants to thrive. They can join here.

And now we begin.

Anyone who comes within 2 feet of me gets this lecture.

You Have No Control.

None. Nada. Nope. No Control. Is that clear?

Consider this: aging, getting sick, people you love getting sick, death, layoffs, who your children turn out to be, the weather, other people's behavior, etc etc etc. Despite your best efforts, you have zero control over these things.

This is great news! Once you really get that you have no control, you are free! The weight comes off your shoulder. You can stop trying to force outcomes or make people respond the way you want. You save so much effort and energy to use for things that are actually fun.

Next week, I'll tell you what you do have. Stay tuned.

If you love this newsletter, please share it with your colleagues. They can sign up here.

How To Live In Chaos: Control vs. Agency

Time to read: 16 seconds

Every photo will be vintage. It's pretty and fun.

You didn't hear from me this morning. I was planning and thinking and feeling about what to write when 11:00 CT came and went. Sometimes, it's hard to figure out what to say. I let it go until I knew what I wanted to say.

Clients have been telling me about chaos: changing leadership, health scares, challenges with children, corporate restructuring, and the impact of political decisions on their lives and businesses.

So, I am doing a series on chaos…How to think about it. How to live with it. How to thrive in it.

If you know anyone who is struggling in chaos…personal, professional, or political, please share it with them. They can sign up here.

We start next week.

Lessons I Live By. #2

Time to read: 36 seconds

Beautiful vintage things are more fun than boring stock photos of office workers.

Last week I talked about your integrity and how it's never for sale. For all you perfectionists, this week is for you.

Yes, behave with integrity. And you are human. You will screw up. You will do something deliberately or accidentally that is out of integrity. At this point, many people do one of two things:

• You double down and convince yourself that what you did is in integrity. It's amazing how the human mind can bend to make yourself feel good. (Even though you likely don't actually feel good. You just convince yourself you do.)
• Become self-critical about everything you do wrong and what a terrible person you are.

Neither of these stances is helpful. #1 keeps you out of integrity and creates separation from yourself and others. #2 is a good distraction from your actual integrity. There is a 3rd option.

Take responsibility for yourself. Admit your fault. Seek repair. Clean up your mess.

It's uncomfortable and hard and the only path to actually feeling good and staying in your integrity. I've called the office back when I lost my shit. I've apologized and moved over when I realized I cut in line. If I can't repair it with the actual person, I talk about it so I can be more conscious the next time. I hate doing these things. And I love doing these things.

Integrity isn't a rigid stance. It's a constant awareness and refinement and monitoring and correcting.

If you love this newsletter, please share it with your colleagues. They can sign up here.

I'm Embarrassed To Admit This…

Time to read: 53 seconds

In my new side hustle (The Vintage Concierge), a designer asked me to put together a stack of silver plate trays for a dining room. Found these! Has zero to do with today's content. :-)

A reader asked me to talk about how to develop efficient and effective working relationships between introverts and extroverts. This topic is going to take a few weeks so keep reading!

First let me say I am uniquely qualified to talk about this subject. I am an uber-extrovert married to and parenting uber-introverts. 40 years ago, when I was young and stupid, I thought introversion was a problem to fix. "Talk more!" "Get out there!" I'm embarrassed to admit my ignorance.

My ignorance is reflected in what is often called our society's "Extrovert Ideal." Meaning, the preference in our fast-paced workplaces for the quick thinking, fast and constant talking, go-go-go style of extroverts. (The best book on the power of Introverts is Susan Cain's, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. If you are an Extrovert, get this book. You need the education. If you are an Introvert, this book will be the most validating thing you've ever read.)

Then my daughter was born, and I witnessed her silent power and magnetic personality. Kids and adults were drawn to her. When she spoke, the room listened.

In my daughter's education and then later in coaching MBA students at the Carlson School of Management at the University of Minnesota, I saw how introverts are pushed to become something they are not (talkative). I also saw how introvert power is different from extrovert power and necessary to the success of our organizations and communities. Workplaces, schools, and families must create space for introverts to be introverts. Otherwise, we are robbing ourselves of powerful contributions.

Fun fact: Did you know that about 70% of corporate CEOs describe themselves as introverts? (Read Susan Cain's book)

Surprised? Next week, I'll talk about the benefits and detriments of Introversion. Then the following week, the benefits and detriments of Extroversion. In the fourth week, I'll share how to effectively work together.

This is a deep topic. Thank you, dear reader, for suggesting it!

What's Your Weird Little Process?

Time to read: 53 seconds

A client was berating himself for making a big decision that didn't work out like he'd hoped. As he told the story it became clear that he is the kind of person who has to experience life up close and personal before he knows what's true. He has to feel life, and sometimes blow things up to understand what he really wants.

I pointed out that his discontent wasn't a sign of failure. The decision to make a significant change was his own weird little process of prototyping life…making things happen, trying things, going to the edge to see how it feels in order to understand better what's important to him. He left our session feeling better than when he arrived because he found acceptance for his process.

What's your weird little process?

For example, I used to FREAK OUT before launching something new. Once I understood that the freak-out was just a little stop I needed to make on my way to courage, I stopped worrying that something was wrong. My clients make stops in apathy or procrastination or silence or any number of other weird little processes.

The trick is to accept and appreciate your process and drop any judgment or worry. When you can do that, life gets MUCH easier.

What's yours? Write to me and tell me all about it. I really do love hearing from you.

Email me