Lessons I Live By #4. No Such Thing As Win-Lose

Time to read: a few short seconds

1960s Bambi and Faline. Some of you won't care (like my husband. Someone of you will love them!)

Once upon a time, back in my corporate days, our main competitor had a major win in the market. I observed to one of my colleagues that this was bad news. "They win, we lose," right?

She said actually, a win for our competitor was good news for us because it meant there was a pathway and market for our similar products. Ah, that is what win-win looks like.

In life and work, your only options are win-win and lose-lose. Win-lose is a fallacy based on scarcity and fear. Win-lose implies there isn't enough to go around, and puts you in constant competition with your colleagues, friends, and neighbors. The fact is that someone else's success means success (however you define it) is available to you, too.

A rising tide raises all ships. Look for ways to raise the tide and find a win-win. It's good for you, and good for everyone else, too.

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What's The Best Use Of You

Time to read: 1 min 2 seconds

Lately I've been thinking a lot about purpose, and what it means to spend your day living meaningfully and purposefully. This season of reflection is a good time to consider this question:

What is the best use of you?

You know you are at your best use when you feel "well-used" by the end of most days. When you feel like the way you spend your time uses your unique gifts and talents. When you feel a sense of satisfaction, even if you didn't complete everything or it was hard. When you look back over a week and are proud of the way you spend your time.

The best use of you applies to work and the ways you support your family and friends, raise your children, care for your parents, volunteer in your community, and interact with strangers.

The implication of your best use is that there are also things that are NOT your best use. Like, maybe someone else should crunch the numbers or do the design or direct the difficult conversation.

For example, details are not the best use of me. Communication and relationships are. So, I rely on others in my life (my assistant, and my husband) to manage details while I handle sticky situations and awkward conversations. My husband is relieved. And so am I. It's a win-win.

We need a world where each of us is performing to our best use each day. What's yours?

Don't Do It Alone

Time to read: 35 seconds

These two do not normally get along

Last week I talked about how the human brain hates uncertainty. In the US, we have much uncertainty, and people tell me how anxious and unnerved they feel.

I certainly don't have all the answers, and I and the Corporate Rebel Masters group had a powerful call last week and came up with a number of…what to call them…solutions?…suggestions?…ways to be?… to help navigate these choppy waters.

Here is the first one: Don't go it alone.

When in liminal space (the powerful and uncomfortable in-between place), go in with others. Find and activate your community. Call your friends. Schedule dinner dates. Host parties. Drink tea (with friends). Go for walks (with others). Go into the office and see people live and in person.

Remind yourself of the love and support in your life, and the love and support you offer others. When your brain is exploding from the uncertainty, find your people and hold on tight!

More tips for navigating this season are coming right up in the coming weeks!

If you have friends who are anxious and uncomfortable please point them here. They can subscribe and join the conversation here.

Caring For Your Fried Brain

Time to read: So, so short

I notice at the end of summer, everyone goes to mush. People want to enjoy the last warm days, and no one wants to consider deep thoughts. Kids return to school, and routines shift back to the activity of fall. It’s paradoxically a lazy and chaotic time.

While enjoying your last weeks of summer and preparing for the rocket ship that is fall (whether you have children or not), the next few newsletters will take you quickly and easily back to the basics.

Here’s the context: The human brain is more flexible than researchers used to think. Into old age, your brain can change and learn new things. Brain flexibility is called “neuroplasticity.” For the next few weeks, I am going to share the 5 elements to maintain neuroplasticity and give you one simple challenge each week to enhance that element for yourself.

We’re going to keep it simple and immediately applicable. Please share this article with your colleagues. They can sign up here..

Introverts And Extroverts….Can't We Get Along?

Time to read: 2 min, 5 seconds. It's a long one.

We’ve explored the power of introverts and extroverts. The bottom line: Introverts are tired of being told, “speak up more,”and wish for more space to think. Extroverts never want to hear, “you are too much,” and long to brainstorm with other people.

So, in organizations, how do introverts and extroverts work effectively together?

Here are three concrete recommendations:

1. Be transparent with each other. Instead of assuming the people know what you need, tell them. It sounds like this,
• I am an introvert. My brain needs time to process. When I’m silent, I’m paying attention and processing multiple lines of information. I need time to synthesize and then will return with a comment or recommendation. I’m not ignoring you, and I promise, I will reply—just not this second.
• I am an extrovert which means my brain works best when I process with other people. I think out loud so sometimes the words out of my mouth are a work in progress so don’t take them as fact. Let me think out loud and socialize. Once I’ve settled on my answer, I’ll confirm my final thoughts and requests.
2. Pay attention to other people’s needs.
   • If you notice an introvert becoming flooded, call a break or suggest the conversation continue tomorrow. If you see an extrovert getting shut down, request to let them finish talking.
   • When you lead a meeting, structure various ways to share information. For example, give people a moment to write their thoughts before sharing. Send important requests for information ahead of time so introverts can think without being put on the spot.
3. Take responsibility for yourself.
   • Extroverts! Go into meetings and social events with a plan to listen and ask questions. Train yourself to pause 30 seconds longer than is comfortable to give other people a chance to speak. If you are talking too much, shut your mouth.
   • Introverts! Prepare your thoughts ahead of time so you are ready to share your ideas. If you are put on the spot or your brain is full, speak up. Let the group know you need a break. Then take that break and come back refreshed and ready to share.

Many of you have reached out to say how helpful this mini-series has been. If you have additional questions, please email me . I will address them next week!

The Power of Extroverts

Time to read: 1.46 minutes (the same as the Introverts!)

Last week, this mini-series talked about the power of introverts. If you missed it, you can find it here.

The power of Extroverts is also profound. They can work a room and influence others. They bring life and energy. You often know what they are thinking…every single thought..

When you think of successful leaders, you often think of extroverts…the person who owns the stage, can spend all night working a room full of people, and the person who can talk to anyone. (Recall the first in this mini-series said that 70% of CEOs identify as Introverts).

Extroverts are all about the people. Goodness, I love people!

Superpowers of extroverts:

• Fast thinking
• Easy communication
• Charming
• Open
• Form fast connections

If introverts get crushed, extroverts often hear messages like, "You are too much/too loud/too talkative." "You need to slow down/be quieter/stop squirming." It's demoralizing to feel like you can't show up as yourself.

If you are an extrovert, let it out Do your thing. Don't worry that you are "too much." You have a right to be naturally you. Be transparent about your needs. Sounds like this, "Hey kids, I am going to stay after the concert to socialize. If you want to head home earlier, then we should drive two cars." Also, be mindful of the needs of others. Slow down and give the introverts space but don't subsume your own needs while trying to accommodate others.

If you are an introvert, let the extroverts in your life fly. Let them socialize and talk and process. If you find them exhausting, give yourself space without dampening their spirit. Extroverts need a good listener and often that person is YOU. (See the note from my fridge above. Great advice for honoring Extroverts.)

Next week, I'm going to talk about how Introverts and Extroverts can best work together Then I'll answer all your questions!

Spread Joy!

Time to read: 53 seconds

I was working with a leadership team last week, and after hours of exercises and reflection, they were preparing to declare their personal commitment to the team.

They asked for examples and I said, "The commitment I make everywhere I go and whatever I'm doing is to spread joy." I believe that a positive attitude is revolutionary. Cynicism of other people and institutions is rampant, and it's not an effective way to build community and connection.

It's easy:

• Say a kind thing to every service worker, all day
• Openly appreciate your family
• Express gratitude to your colleagues
• Compliment people

The easiest words ever:

• Thank you
• I am grateful for....
• It's great that you....
• That project was tough and you knocked it out of the park.

As JFK said, "A rising tide, lifts all boats." What commitment do you make to raise the tide?

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