Introverts And Extroverts….Can't We Get Along?

Time to read: 2 min, 5 seconds. It's a long one.

We’ve explored the power of introverts and extroverts. The bottom line: Introverts are tired of being told, “speak up more,”and wish for more space to think. Extroverts never want to hear, “you are too much,” and long to brainstorm with other people.

So, in organizations, how do introverts and extroverts work effectively together?

Here are three concrete recommendations:

1. Be transparent with each other. Instead of assuming the people know what you need, tell them. It sounds like this,
• I am an introvert. My brain needs time to process. When I’m silent, I’m paying attention and processing multiple lines of information. I need time to synthesize and then will return with a comment or recommendation. I’m not ignoring you, and I promise, I will reply—just not this second.
• I am an extrovert which means my brain works best when I process with other people. I think out loud so sometimes the words out of my mouth are a work in progress so don’t take them as fact. Let me think out loud and socialize. Once I’ve settled on my answer, I’ll confirm my final thoughts and requests.
2. Pay attention to other people’s needs.
   • If you notice an introvert becoming flooded, call a break or suggest the conversation continue tomorrow. If you see an extrovert getting shut down, request to let them finish talking.
   • When you lead a meeting, structure various ways to share information. For example, give people a moment to write their thoughts before sharing. Send important requests for information ahead of time so introverts can think without being put on the spot.
3. Take responsibility for yourself.
   • Extroverts! Go into meetings and social events with a plan to listen and ask questions. Train yourself to pause 30 seconds longer than is comfortable to give other people a chance to speak. If you are talking too much, shut your mouth.
   • Introverts! Prepare your thoughts ahead of time so you are ready to share your ideas. If you are put on the spot or your brain is full, speak up. Let the group know you need a break. Then take that break and come back refreshed and ready to share.

Many of you have reached out to say how helpful this mini-series has been. If you have additional questions, please email me . I will address them next week!

The Power of Extroverts

Time to read: 1.46 minutes (the same as the Introverts!)

Last week, this mini-series talked about the power of introverts. If you missed it, you can find it here.

The power of Extroverts is also profound. They can work a room and influence others. They bring life and energy. You often know what they are thinking…every single thought..

When you think of successful leaders, you often think of extroverts…the person who owns the stage, can spend all night working a room full of people, and the person who can talk to anyone. (Recall the first in this mini-series said that 70% of CEOs identify as Introverts).

Extroverts are all about the people. Goodness, I love people!

Superpowers of extroverts:

• Fast thinking
• Easy communication
• Charming
• Open
• Form fast connections

If introverts get crushed, extroverts often hear messages like, "You are too much/too loud/too talkative." "You need to slow down/be quieter/stop squirming." It's demoralizing to feel like you can't show up as yourself.

If you are an extrovert, let it out Do your thing. Don't worry that you are "too much." You have a right to be naturally you. Be transparent about your needs. Sounds like this, "Hey kids, I am going to stay after the concert to socialize. If you want to head home earlier, then we should drive two cars." Also, be mindful of the needs of others. Slow down and give the introverts space but don't subsume your own needs while trying to accommodate others.

If you are an introvert, let the extroverts in your life fly. Let them socialize and talk and process. If you find them exhausting, give yourself space without dampening their spirit. Extroverts need a good listener and often that person is YOU. (See the note from my fridge above. Great advice for honoring Extroverts.)

Next week, I'm going to talk about how Introverts and Extroverts can best work together Then I'll answer all your questions!

The Power of Introverts

Time to read: 1.46 minutes

This is my actual fridge

Last week, I shared some context about Introverts and Extroverts, recommended Susan Cain's book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, and shared her concept of the Extrovert Ideal.

Before I dive into detail on Introverts and Extroverts, a caveat: Each person is unique. Each person has traits from both and will show up differently in different situations. For the sake of clarity, I am generalizing.

And now…the wonderful Introvert!

Here's the thing: The power of introverts is profound. My daughter will go into her room - ALONE - and come out an hour later with a concept for an essay, which she created BY HERSELF! To this mom who needs an entire committee to vet an idea, her process feels like a miracle.

I know corporate vice presidents who sit quietly for an entire meeting and then pop out with the three most important sentences spoken all day.

Many introverts carry a quiet magic. People are drawn to them. They garner trust.

Introverts are powerful if organizations and families can give them space to work their magic.

In organizations and families, introverts get crushed. The extroverts move quickly and expect everyone to move at the same speed. (Remember the Extrovert Ideal?)

Here are some of the superpowers of introverts:

• Observant
• Synthesize a lot of information
• Thoughtful
• Considered
• Cautious

Introverts don't waste words. They need space and time to think and recharge. Many introverts process slowly and honestly as a result, come up with more considered responses than the fast-thinking extroverts. (Remember, I'm uniquely qualified to make this statement.)

Take a look at the photo above. The info about how to care for Introverts is spot on.

If you are an introvert, be transparent. Let people know you need time to think. Tell people you will process their questions and get back to them. Then, actually get back to them. When you set expectations around your needs and then deliver, you build trust and create an environment for your success.

If you are an extrovert, shut your mouth. Breathe. Pause. Stop interrupting. Let the introverts in your life finish their thoughts, even if it feels excruciating to you. (And oh my, it is so excruciating to wait…which is my problem, not the introvert's.)

Please reach out with questions, observations, or challenges. I plan to write about this for a few more weeks and would love to include your specific questions.

Next week, I'll talk about the power of Extroverts.

P.S. If you love this newsletter, please share it with your colleagues. They can sign up here.

I'm Embarrassed To Admit This…

Time to read: 53 seconds

In my new side hustle (The Vintage Concierge), a designer asked me to put together a stack of silver plate trays for a dining room. Found these! Has zero to do with today's content. :-)

A reader asked me to talk about how to develop efficient and effective working relationships between introverts and extroverts. This topic is going to take a few weeks so keep reading!

First let me say I am uniquely qualified to talk about this subject. I am an uber-extrovert married to and parenting uber-introverts. 40 years ago, when I was young and stupid, I thought introversion was a problem to fix. "Talk more!" "Get out there!" I'm embarrassed to admit my ignorance.

My ignorance is reflected in what is often called our society's "Extrovert Ideal." Meaning, the preference in our fast-paced workplaces for the quick thinking, fast and constant talking, go-go-go style of extroverts. (The best book on the power of Introverts is Susan Cain's, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. If you are an Extrovert, get this book. You need the education. If you are an Introvert, this book will be the most validating thing you've ever read.)

Then my daughter was born, and I witnessed her silent power and magnetic personality. Kids and adults were drawn to her. When she spoke, the room listened.

In my daughter's education and then later in coaching MBA students at the Carlson School of Management at the University of Minnesota, I saw how introverts are pushed to become something they are not (talkative). I also saw how introvert power is different from extrovert power and necessary to the success of our organizations and communities. Workplaces, schools, and families must create space for introverts to be introverts. Otherwise, we are robbing ourselves of powerful contributions.

Fun fact: Did you know that about 70% of corporate CEOs describe themselves as introverts? (Read Susan Cain's book)

Surprised? Next week, I'll talk about the benefits and detriments of Introversion. Then the following week, the benefits and detriments of Extroversion. In the fourth week, I'll share how to effectively work together.

This is a deep topic. Thank you, dear reader, for suggesting it!

Spread Joy!

Time to read: 53 seconds

I was working with a leadership team last week, and after hours of exercises and reflection, they were preparing to declare their personal commitment to the team.

They asked for examples and I said, "The commitment I make everywhere I go and whatever I'm doing is to spread joy." I believe that a positive attitude is revolutionary. Cynicism of other people and institutions is rampant, and it's not an effective way to build community and connection.

It's easy:

• Say a kind thing to every service worker, all day
• Openly appreciate your family
• Express gratitude to your colleagues
• Compliment people

The easiest words ever:

• Thank you
• I am grateful for....
• It's great that you....
• That project was tough and you knocked it out of the park.

As JFK said, "A rising tide, lifts all boats." What commitment do you make to raise the tide?

If you love this newsletter, please share it with your colleagues. They can sign up here..

What's Your Weird Little Process?

Time to read: 53 seconds

A client was berating himself for making a big decision that didn't work out like he'd hoped. As he told the story it became clear that he is the kind of person who has to experience life up close and personal before he knows what's true. He has to feel life, and sometimes blow things up to understand what he really wants.

I pointed out that his discontent wasn't a sign of failure. The decision to make a significant change was his own weird little process of prototyping life…making things happen, trying things, going to the edge to see how it feels in order to understand better what's important to him. He left our session feeling better than when he arrived because he found acceptance for his process.

What's your weird little process?

For example, I used to FREAK OUT before launching something new. Once I understood that the freak-out was just a little stop I needed to make on my way to courage, I stopped worrying that something was wrong. My clients make stops in apathy or procrastination or silence or any number of other weird little processes.

The trick is to accept and appreciate your process and drop any judgment or worry. When you can do that, life gets MUCH easier.

What's yours? Write to me and tell me all about it. I really do love hearing from you.

Email me

Today Is One Word (Plus a few more)

Time to read: 10 seconds

Last week I invited you to consider where you have fun and where you can have more. This week, here is a place to look to expand your fun.

What did you like to do as a child?

Did you like to day dream? Play fantasy games? Build things? Have tea parties? Collect? Look waaaay back and find hints to fun activities you might want to bring back into your life, maybe in new ways.

When I was a child, I spent hours and hours in my grandparent's attic, digging through boxes, enjoying the treasure hunt and the beautiful old things. I used to wonder if digging through attics could be a job. As I grew up, I forgot about it.

Fast forward 45 years. A side hustle has grown up around my hobby of vintage costume jewelry. I'm now sourcing vintage items to order for friends and neighbors. I dig through the grandma's attic at estate sales to find the treasures for other people. It's a blast. My old childhood play has transformed into a new adult joy.

What did you do as a child? I can't wait to hear all about it! Email me