Relationships #2: 100% Is a Moving

Time to read: 1.3 minutes

Last time we talked about the 100/100 rule — you give your 100%, and so does the other person. Simple in theory. But there's a catch: 100% isn't a constant number.

100% effort fluctuates depending on how you feel and what's happening in life. When you are sick, 100% looks different. If you're super tired, your 100% will be less than when you are rested.

Think about it in practice. The friend who's usually the first to text back might go quiet for a week because they're drowning at work. The partner who normally initiates plans might not have it in them the month after a parent's diagnosis. Their 100% just shrank. It didn't disappear, and it isn't a downgrade of how much they care.

That's not you slacking, and it's not the other person slacking either when their 100% dips. The rule was never"always perform at your peak." The rule is: "show up honestly with what you actually have."

The tricky part is telling the difference between someone's 100% shrinking for a real reason and someone quietly settling into a smaller, permanent version of it. One is a season. The other is a pattern. It's worth paying attention to which one you're actually looking at before you decide whether to extend patience or ask for more.

Next week we'll talk about over-performing in relationships. I don't know anything about that. :-)

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Relationships #1: How Much Effort Should You Put In?

Time to read: 25 seconds

More vintage jewelry cuz, why not?!

See if any of these scenarios feel familiar:

• You are organizing all the plans for the holidays and resent that it's all on you.
• You are always the one inviting people to do things.
• You feel like you always push for the important conversation, the deep topics.

Maybe it's something else entirely. You're the one who remembers birthdays, who checks in after a hard week, who keeps the group chat alive. Whatever the specifics, the shape is the same.

All of these situations feel unbalanced. You feel like you are putting in all the effort. It's no fun when a relationship feels out of balance — and over time, that imbalance curdles into something quiet and toxic: resentment. Not the loud kind. The kind that shows up as a sigh when you're texting to make plans, again. This isn't a recipe for the connection you want.

So, how much effort should you put in?

Here's the simple answer: 100%.

You put in 100% of yourself and your effort. No more. No less. 100% is not 150% for all you over-performers out there. (Just making sure you got it!)

The expectation is that your friends, partners, and colleagues also put in their 100%. Not carrying you. Not being carried. Just two people, each bringing their full, honest share to the table.

That's the standard. It sounds obvious once you say it out loud — and yet most of the relationships that feel unbalanced are ones where nobody ever actually agreed to that standard. They just drifted into a pattern, and one person kept absorbing the gap.

This week, notice one place where you're filling a gap that isn't yours to fill. We'll keep talking about what to do!

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Fall Series! Relationships!

Time to read: 25 seconds

Our son made these desserts in his awesome new job!

Hey everyone, and welcome to September!

It's hard to believe that fall is starting. Time moves fast!

You tell me that your #1 priority is connection and relationships. Family, friends, community, work colleagues, even the cashier at the grocery store. In today's frayed political environment, relationships can be fraught and stressful.

So, I'm doing a series on relationships this fall. I will share my thoughts and tools, the things I tell clients, and the advice I give friends and my children. Relationships are my favorite topic. I can't wait to talk about it! If you have relationship questions, hit reply to this email and I'll add them to the series!

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to spend a few weeks learning about how to create healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.