Time to read: 85 seconds
Last week we talked about being the instigator, the person who always sets the date and sends the group text. If you read it and thought, "That's me, and I'm tired," this one is for you.
Many of us wait for others to notice we're doing too much. We hope someone will say, "Let me plan this one." Sometimes they do. Often they don't, and it's not because they don't care. Most people simply assume that if you're organizing everything, you want to. They can't see how you feel unless you tell them.
And who doesn't love traveling with a friend who makes all the plans?
The good news is that asking is easier than you'd expect. A few ways to start:
- Hand off one thing. "Can you pick the restaurant this time?" is small and specific, and it's hard to say no to.
- Name a rotation. "Let's take turns hosting. I'll do this month; who's up next?"
- Say what you enjoy. "I love planning the trips, but I'd love some help with the booking."
- Be direct, not accusatory. "I've noticed I'm usually the one who reaches out. Could you suggest the next get-together?" works better than "Why do I always have to do this?" which is a great start to a conflict.
Notice what these have in common. They're clear, kind, and ask for one thing at a time. You're not criticizing anyone. You're giving them a chance to step up.
And if you ask and nothing changes? That's useful information, too. It doesn't mean you should stop caring, but it may tell you where to invest your energy.
This week, try asking for one small thing from one person. See what happens. Next week we'll talk about what to do if you ask and nothing changes.
If you have friends and colleagues who would like to join our conversation about creating healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.
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