Time to read: 1 min, 3 seconds
A change from jewelry
Most of your relationships developed through circumstance. Your kids go to the same school. You landed in the same office, neighborhood, or family. Over time, relationships settle into unconscious patterns. Who reaches out. Who gives advice. Who listens. Who gets listened to.
Those patterns work for a while. Then one day you notice you're tired, or resentful, or just going through the motions, and you realize you never agreed to any of it.
Today I'd like to suggest a different approach: design your alliances on purpose.
An alliance is simply an agreement between two people or a group about how they'll show up for each other. Most of the time it's unspoken, which is why it so often goes unexamined. Bringing consciousness to your relationships just means asking a few questions:
- What do I want from this relationship? Fun? Honesty? Support through hard times? A shared history? Be specific.
- What do I bring? Know your strengths. Maybe you're the planner, the encourager, the fun one, or the one who tells the truth gently.
- What does this person bring? Look past what they don't do and notice what they do.
- Does the current arrangement work for both of you? If not, what is one small thing to shift?
You don't need to sit your friends down and announce a contract. Most of this happens in your own head, followed by a few small conversations. "I'd love to see you more often." "I'm not great on the phone, but I'm happy to meet for a walk." That's design.
It also shows that you don't have to give every relationship the same amount. Some people are your inner circle. Some are lovely to see a few times a year. Both can be great, as long as you choose it rather than drift into it.
This week, pick one relationship and answer the four questions above. Notice what you learn.
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