Relationships #8: Let's Talk About Drama

Time to read: 87 seconds

I'm a sucker for all things green and sparkly

Susie said she’d organize dinner. Then she didn’t.

Maeve feels like Susie doesn’t care, so she calls you to talk it through. Then Susie calls you because she feels misunderstood. Soon the two of them are trading snarky texts, and now you have drama.

Here’s what I want you to notice: the missed dinner wasn’t drama. Maeve’s hurt wasn’t drama. Susie feeling misunderstood wasn’t drama either.Drama showed up when two people stopped talking to each other and started talking about each other.

I have strong opinions about this, and they all come back to one word:choice.

— Hurt feelings are normal. Drama is a choice. Conflict is part of any close relationship. Snark, heat, and barbed comments are optional.

— Taking ownership leaves very little room for drama. Imagine Maeve saying to Susie, “I was hurt when dinner didn’t happen. I wondered if it mattered to you.” And Susie answering, “I dropped the ball, and I’m sorry. Let me make it right.” A little discomfort, and then it’s done.

— Drama often comes from a missing skill or missing courage. Most of us were never taught how to have a direct, tender conversations, and that’s fixable. Courage is harder, because telling a friend how you feel is so much easier than telling the person who hurt you. The good news is that both skills can be learned.

— Sometimes drama is entertainment. Stirring the pot cures boredom and gives a friend group something to talk about. Think of how a group chat perks up the moment two people are in conflict. Shared gossip can even feel like closeness. If you’re honest, you might recognize that pull in yourself. I do.

— Designed alliances help. That means being intentional about how you relate to the people you love: agreeing on expectations, and on what you’ll do when someone falls short. You’ll still disappoint each other. You’ll just know what to do.

If you like drama in your relationships, feel free to ignore me. If you wish you had solutions, come back next week.

If you have friends and colleagues who would like to join our conversation about creating healthy, functional relationships, they can sign up for this newsletter here.