What To Do When The Other Person Isn't Listening

Time to read: 55 seconds

A few weeks ago, this newsletter was about the importance of listening. I received a flurry of questions that sounded something like this:

"What do I do if the OTHER person isn't listening to ME?"

So many of you asked this question that I thought y'all would like to hear the answer I sent personally to people.

First and foremost, you don’t have any control over what other people do. People will listen or they won't. You can remove that responsibility from your shoulders.

Then, of course, you have the ability to influence what other people do and to express your own needs.

If the situation is a minor daily interaction or with someone in public (like a barista), the solution is simple:

• You can say something in the moment like, “I don’t think I was clear. Let me say that again.” or "Yeah, it's loud and hard to hear in here" (then repeat yourself). Your goal is a pleasant, mutually beneficial transaction, and the relationship is not worth the investment of any additional energy.
• When the relationship is worth the investment, you can still use the phrases in the bullet above. For small daily interactions, you might ratchet it up a tiny bit. When my children are on their phones and think they're listening, I'll say things like, “Oh, I’ll wait until you’re done.” Then they're on notice in a gentle way that I can tell they aren't listening.

If it's a bigger, chronic dynamic in a relationship that matters, talking openly about not feeling heard is the first step. Express your needs. Ask for what you want. Most often in loving, supportive relationships, the other person wants to do better and will do better.

However, sometimes someone just won't or chooses not to change. In that case, you get to choose to accept the dynamic or not continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to you. Either is an acceptable choice. You just need to be honest with yourself about what you can expect.

I hope this is helpful!

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Is It Time To Assess Your Life And Career?

Time to read: 10 seconds

In the past couple of weeks, I've heard a common story: You have lost motivation, are missing meaning, and feel like you get up each day, go through the motions at work and then drop in bed exhausted each night. You long for more fun. You long to enjoy work.

You wonder if you need to change jobs, change industries, start a business, or take a break.

You tell me you worry that making a change would simply be out of the frying pan, into the fire. Meaning, a big change won't fix it, and you're right. When you change the scenery, all you've done is, well, change the scenery. For things to be different, you have to shift your relationship to work so your career is filled with ease and elegance rather than harder work and burnout.

I haven't offered any services for many months. My coaching schedule has been bursting at the seams. It's summer, and I can feel that a lot of you are ready to evaluate where you've been, where you are going, and to formulate a plan to breathe new life into your career.

So, I have opened a few spaces for Work and Life Strategic Planning Sessions this summer. If you are curious to find out more about this stand-alone process, please hit reply to this email, and we'll find a time to chat.

The process involves an inventory of everything in your life and career by answering a series of questions and short assessments. Then we talk live about all the things and start to create a plan of action. Finally, I send you a written report that details what's working and what's not and a list of actionable recommendations to help you put work and life back on your terms.

If you want to know more, let's chat. Shoot me and email, and we'll find a time for a short chat.

Do you know someone who could use an evaluation of their life and career? Share this newsletter with them or have them email me! Anyone can sign up here.

Give Yourself Permission

Time to read: 10 seconds

'Tis the season of graduation. Actual graduations from high school to college. Impending retirements. From winter to summer. Weddings. Corporate reorganizations. New jobs.

All of these events mark huge transitions that come with feelings, logistical changes, shifting relationships, and changing identities.

Consider this question today: What are YOU graduating from?

If you have even a minute to spare, email me and tell me about your graduation - whatever it is. I always love to hear from you.

Know people who are in transition? Who are graduating? Share my newsletter freely! Anyone can sign up here.

Give Yourself Permission

Time to read: 46.5 seconds

If you need uplifting, today isn't it.

Today is about the permission to feel however you are feeling.

Here's me: I'm weary.

I got Covid in NYC. (I'm fine.) Everyone in my family and many of my friends either have Covid now or had it recently. Then there's Ukraine, and Buffalo. And Uvalde.

I'm tired of bad news. I'm tired of children getting killed. I'm tired of black people being killed. I'm tired of Asian people being killed. Frankly, I'm tired of all kinds of people getting killed. I'm tired of wearing a mask. I'm tired of trying to keep my parents safe. I'm tired of figuring out every day how to pull two teenagers through this world with hope and optimism.

I am fundamentally optimistic. I am grateful for many things (although today I'm just not feeling it, ya know?). I know that this will pass, and I'll be my cheery self again in no time.

And sometimes, my job as a coach is to model the full range of human experience and emotion so you have permission to have your full range of human experience and emotion.

Today, I'm weary.

I called a friend and she said, "welcome to Blue Island." If you're weary, too, or just not feeling it, pull up a beach chair. Blue Island a hopping place with free drinks. If you're feeling great…well….great! Free drinks for you, too.

Here's the message for today. If you are also feeling blue…or if you feel blue tomorrow or in a week…it's ok. You can simply feel blue and keep going. It's normal. Even desirable. The world is worth your weariness, sadness, even your despair.

If you know someone who needs permission to feel down, share my newsletter with them! Anyone can sign up here.

The Most Important Skill In Conflict

Time to read: 34 seconds

Here's a little secret about me. I love conflict. Conflict breeds clarity. Energy. Possibility. If handled well, conflict invites change, understanding, and creativity. (To clarify: I'm not talking about violence or war. I'm talking about interpersonal conflict at work and at home).

You only need to handle all types of conflict in your life, no matter how uncomfortable.

Listening.

If a co-worker is angry because something you said made them feel thrown under the bus in a meeting, what do you do?

Listen.

When your boss disagrees with a decision you made?

Listen.

When your tween screams, "you don't understand!"

Listen.

When your partner complains that all household chores fall to them....

Listen.

Listening is easy. You don't have to have an answer. You don't have to know what to do. You only have to shut your mouth, manage your feelings, and listen. Maybe ask a clarifying question or two to keep the person talking.

Oh...and when you listen, you are seeking to understand. Not planning your response.

Give it a try. Next time you find yourself in a conflict big or small, try saying nothing and simply listening. For as long as it takes. Then let me know what happens! I love your stories.

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One Easy Way To Get What You Want

Time to read: 56 seconds

New York!

In case your life is full this week, here's the punchline:

To get what you want, ask.

My daughter and I are headed to New York City for two weeks. She's doing an internship/shadow, and I am her roadie managing logistics and food. This trip happened because she sent an email asking for help, and the person responded with generosity beyond her wildest imagination.

I'm going to admit something here….I actually discouraged her from asking because I didn't want her to be a bother. (Notice what stops you from asking.) She did anyway, and she's off to the opportunity of a lifetime. (It's a good thing my teen daughter doesn't listen to me.)

So, go ahead. Bother the person. Ask. If you don't, the answer is certainly no.

When you ask, sometimes things don't work out or the answer is no. That's ok, too. It's not about the outcome, it's about opening space for possibilities.

So, go ahead and ask. I'd love to hear what you ask for, and what happens when you do.

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When Your Day Is A Pile-On….Do This

Time to read: 1 minute, 2.5 seconds

Bird Murmurations, Tanya Hart, UC Davis

Oh my. Yesterday, everything exploded.

My husband and I squabbled at 6:30 am about food for our daughter's graduation party and the chaos lasted until midnight when I wrapped up a call with a frustrated volunteer. In between, my father was admitted to the hospital (He's fine, Nothing to worry about.), people across the country were texting and emailing with random questions, I realized picking up my son collided with a dinner meeting, client sessions were packed back to back, and a friend needed to decompress after being a first responder to a motorcycle accident on the highway. (The man was alive - saved by an excellent helmet.)

For the entire day, chaos kept coming and coming.

In the midst of the chaos, I noticed something else. Grace. Ease. Flow.

In the past, I would have found a day like this overwhelming. This time, I watched as help arrived and space opened, like a flock of birds changing direction in unison. My husband picked up our son so I happened to be free when my friend needed help. My father's admission to the hospital meant the doctors could treat something while it was still minor. Clients understood when I needed to end on time in order to call my mom. The dinner meeting resolved the questions about food for the graduation party. Time emerged to answer everyone's emails. Trust was forged in a late night phone call when we both happened to be awake.

Stuff happens. Even bad stuff. You and I both know that. Yesterday I learned that if you pay attention just beneath the visible circumstances of the stuff, you see grace and space. The day flowed, and all I had to do was ride, stay present, and respond in each moment.

Then the chaos passed. Today is calm and quiet.

I can't explain why stuff happens in a pile-on. It just does. When the pile-on happens in your life, tune your attention just beneath the surface. You'll be amazed by what you find.

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