Practices That Change The World #9

Time to read: 36 seconds

There's a saying in coaching that goes like this, "The magic's in the telling." Oftentimes, simply telling your story of an experience is all you need to move through it.

Today's practice is LISTEN.

Here's a structure for really listening:

First, use this process for an experience that you can't seem to shake. Something that sticks to you.

Then, find a trusted person - a friend, therapist, even an aquaintance that you have good rapport with. This process can be one-direction or it's wonderful if you and the other person trade stories.

For the person talking: Your only job is to tell your story, starting wherever you want and adding in all the details.

For the person listening: Your job is to witness. You can ask clarifying questions that seek to understand. You are not care-taking, fixing, offering advice, or solving. You simply listen and witness.

Depending on the story, give yourself 1-1.5 hours. You want time to lay it all out.

Then feel the relief and watch the stickiness of your story dissipate over the next few days.

Behold the power of listening!

Have a great weekend!

What happens when you do less?

Time to read:

Hydroponic herbs. A perfect example of more with less.

An amazing thing happened this week. I did less and got more.

Before you scream, "Not the phrase 'do more with less," read on. This isn't a ploy to cut your resources.

Here's the story: I do strategic planning sessions for each person in my Clarity U group program. To prepare for the session, participants answer a set of reflection questions, send me their answers, and I prepare before we talk. My preparation involves reading their reflections multiple times and crafting a series of questions to draw out the core of their goals. The prep takes 30 minutes to more than an hour.

I had two strategic sessions today, and both clients submitted their materials a minute before our call. So, I arrived unprepared. Both sessions were deep, meaningful, and revealed exactly what the clients needed in order to establish their purpose for a year in Clarity U.

Upon reflection later, the truth is, "unprepared" is incorrect. I had believed I needed to work hard, put in the effort in order to bring value and be "ready" to help my clients. Instead, something more powerful happened.

• I entered the conversation with no preconceived notions about the person from reading their materials. Everything I learned was in the moment and brought up directly in the session.
• We trusted our relationship and our shared wisdom.
• Because I didn't have any planned questions, the clients led the call. They started where they wanted and determined the course of the conversation.
• We got to the purpose of their reason for Clarity U swiftly and efficiently, and they left with exactly what they needed.

I'm a recovering over-performer and thought I had mitigated most, if not all, of my over-performing tendencies. Then here it was today, by necessity, I did less. And the end result was so much more.

I leave you with a challenge: Find a place in your life where you can do/prepare/perform/plan less and instead, trust/relate/listen/connect more.

I hope this helps.

Reach out anytime. I always love to hear from you. Email me here

What To Do When The Other Person Isn't Listening

Time to read: 55 seconds

A few weeks ago, this newsletter was about the importance of listening. I received a flurry of questions that sounded something like this:

"What do I do if the OTHER person isn't listening to ME?"

So many of you asked this question that I thought y'all would like to hear the answer I sent personally to people.

First and foremost, you don’t have any control over what other people do. People will listen or they won't. You can remove that responsibility from your shoulders.

Then, of course, you have the ability to influence what other people do and to express your own needs.

If the situation is a minor daily interaction or with someone in public (like a barista), the solution is simple:

• You can say something in the moment like, “I don’t think I was clear. Let me say that again.” or "Yeah, it's loud and hard to hear in here" (then repeat yourself). Your goal is a pleasant, mutually beneficial transaction, and the relationship is not worth the investment of any additional energy.
• When the relationship is worth the investment, you can still use the phrases in the bullet above. For small daily interactions, you might ratchet it up a tiny bit. When my children are on their phones and think they're listening, I'll say things like, “Oh, I’ll wait until you’re done.” Then they're on notice in a gentle way that I can tell they aren't listening.

If it's a bigger, chronic dynamic in a relationship that matters, talking openly about not feeling heard is the first step. Express your needs. Ask for what you want. Most often in loving, supportive relationships, the other person wants to do better and will do better.

However, sometimes someone just won't or chooses not to change. In that case, you get to choose to accept the dynamic or not continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to you. Either is an acceptable choice. You just need to be honest with yourself about what you can expect.

I hope this is helpful!

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The Most Important Skill In Conflict

Time to read: 34 seconds

Here's a little secret about me. I love conflict. Conflict breeds clarity. Energy. Possibility. If handled well, conflict invites change, understanding, and creativity. (To clarify: I'm not talking about violence or war. I'm talking about interpersonal conflict at work and at home).

You only need to handle all types of conflict in your life, no matter how uncomfortable.

Listening.

If a co-worker is angry because something you said made them feel thrown under the bus in a meeting, what do you do?

Listen.

When your boss disagrees with a decision you made?

Listen.

When your tween screams, "you don't understand!"

Listen.

When your partner complains that all household chores fall to them....

Listen.

Listening is easy. You don't have to have an answer. You don't have to know what to do. You only have to shut your mouth, manage your feelings, and listen. Maybe ask a clarifying question or two to keep the person talking.

Oh...and when you listen, you are seeking to understand. Not planning your response.

Give it a try. Next time you find yourself in a conflict big or small, try saying nothing and simply listening. For as long as it takes. Then let me know what happens! I love your stories.

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