Do You Hate It When People Tell You How You Feel?

Time to read: 1 little minute and 15 tiny seconds

My corporate campsite this week.

Do you hate it when people tell you how you feel?

Let me begin with a little story then tell you what to do when someone inaccurately insists you must be feeling something you are not.

I'm at a client site this week doing 2 intense days of back to back private coaching for a big corporation followed by a third day of team building sessions. When I return home, I head to another big corporation to coach all day in their women's leadership program. When I tell people about my week, they say, "that must be exhausting!",

When I hear that, I'm like, "hmmmmm….," or I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because other people's opinions can muddy the water and make it hard to listen to your own feelings and trust your own experience. With their suggestion, you might start to wonder, "Am I exhausted? Maybe I should be."

By becoming aware when other people are imposing how you should feel, you can commit to listen to and trust how you actually feel.

Here's how to do that:

1. Check in with yourself. When you hear a suggestion for how you should feel, use it as a reminder to pause and check in. How are you feeling? Is there something you need to express, process alone, or adjust? What will get you on track with where you want to be?
2. Pay attention to the stories you tell yourself. Are you telling stories that are empowering or disempowering? Is telling yourself that you are exhausted or overwhelmed enabling you to be your best self and do your best work or is it sapping your energy?
3. Choose your feelings. You get to decide if you are exhausted, overwhelmed or frustrated. The circumstances don't dictate your feelings, and other people's suggestions certainly don't. It is true that I may be tired when I get on the plane to go home, and while doing the work, I choose to be energized and inspired by my clients.
4. Clarify. If you want to, you can clarify how you really feel to the person who is asking. Assume they care about you and had the best of intentions when they made their comment. Something like, "actually, I love these clients and get in the zone when I do back-to-back coaching."
5. Get curious. If you notice yourself "suggesting" feelings to others, get curious. Instead of telling them how they feel, ask, "How do you feel about that?" You might be surprised by what you learn and amused to see the assumptions you make, too.

I hope this helps!

Christina

P.S. Are there people to whom you'd like to give a big, fat hint? Use this email to tell them to stop suggesting how you should feel! They can join to receive this newsletter right here.

Do You Gossip? 4 Things To Do Instead

Time to read: 1:11.15 minutes

Harry Potter was a close as I could come to mini-figures dressed for work.

Office gossip is an international sport. Talking about other people is as common as water coolers, cheap coffee, and windowless conference rooms. Gossip breeds mistrust. If someone is willing to gossip with you, there's a very good chance, they will also be glad to gossip about you.

I had a recent ah-ha about gossip in my own life. I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen in a while. We were casually catching up when I happened to mention something that sparked her desire to complain about an organization to which we both belong. Luckily, we didn't have time to continue the conversation, and she walked way with the promise to call for a tea date.

After we parted, I realized I was tempted to gossip because what I wanted was true connection with her. Colluding and creating an unpleasant dynamic that would, frankly, leave me feeling like crap, was the price I have been willing to pay for connection in the past. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I decided then and there that I would no longer let gossip and collusion hijack real connection.

Does using gossip as a tool for connection ring familiar to you?

Here are 4 things you can do to stop the gossip and go for the real connection instead:

1. Be aware of how you feel when you succumb to gossip. Do you feel inspired and connected or dirty and sad (or something else completely)?
2. Openly commit to stopping the gossip and collusion. Tell your friends and colleagues your commitment and recruit them to help you stick to it.
3. Find points of real connection with others and talk about those things: common projects, shared interests, different interests, and current events. In my corporate days, we had a tradition of bringing funny or poignant stories from the radio as topics during lunch.
4. Share you areas of personal and professional growth and recruit your friends and colleagues to hold you accountable to help you grow. Talking about yourself is waaaay more fun than talking about others any day.

May these suggestions bring you the real connection you crave.

With rebel love,

Christina

P.S. As always, if you like what you see in the Corporate Rebel, please share the love with your colleagues. They can join our merry band of rebels right here.

Do You Still Believe You Can Have It All?

Time to read: one and a half minutes

This is central to my brand.

Hello Rebels!

I came of age in the era when the message to young women was, "You can have it all." You can be a mom, hold down a fabulous, meaningful job, make contributions in your community, and still make it to yoga class. (Oh, and you can be hot in the bedroom and cook great meals, too.) I really believed it.

Then life happened. I had the fabulous job, the two kids, the great partner, the house, and a couple of vacations a year. I discovered as my children got older, things got harder. I was surprised to discover that they needed me more, not less as they aged out of babyhood. And now, as young teens, my presence as a parent is needed even more. These realizations and my own desire to be present for my children, has required me to make professional sacrifices - to leave a lucrative corporate job and now, to manage the amount of work I do at any one time for my business.

Recently, at a corporate gig that I do every year, I was reminded of this article entitled "Why Women Still Can't Have it All." (My husband pointed out that no one can have it all, even men. Yes, very true. Thank you, honey.)

This article is smart. Smarter than I'll ever be. If you are a woman, if you love women, if you're a mother or you ever had a mother, it's a great read.

One thing that struck me in this article is the way the author talks about how high-powered professional women have downplayed or outright hidden, the importance of their family priorities in order to maintain an image as a "professional." The author and many other women leaders challenge the notion that professionals - both women and men - have to hide when they leave the office early for a baseball game or to take a child to the doctor.

I realized that I, in many ways, have also subscribed to hiding domestic life in order to appear "professional" and like a player in the coaching and entrepreneurial space. So, today, I am going to out myself, and I invite you to do the same by either replying directly to this email or posting your thoughts on the Corporate Rebel HQ Facebook page. I'd love for us to celebrate together all the great hobbies and connections that make you a whole and frankly, more interesting professional.

Through openly celebrating all aspects of yourself, you are modeling how to make work a kinder, more human place.

Here's my short list:

1. I drive my children to and from school just about every day, and I schedule work around being able to do that.
2. My favorite activity is baking with my children. We are a powerhouse of cookies, muffins, and waffles.
3. I love working, and my favorite part of my day is picking up my children at school.
4. Our family eats dinner together just about every night.
5. When it's not freezing outside, I love to walk my dog in the evening.

Why am I telling you all this? Because every part of you is important and contributes to making you successful and happy. All aspects of you are welcome at work and modeling that the "personal is professional" makes for more human workplaces.

Here's to all parts of YOU!

Christina

P.S. Do you love the Corporate Rebel? Share it with your friends. They can join our merry little band of corporate rebels here!

P.P.S. The author's husband (of the article reference above) wrote a great follow-on to "Why Women Still Can't Have it All" called "Why I Put My Wife's Career First." You'll enjoy it. Click here.

This Is For All the Overachievers!

Time to read: A reasonable, not-overachieving one minute and thirty-six seconds

(No photo this week because I'm not overachieving today!)

Hi, my name is Christina, and I'm an overachiever. It's been 2 months since my last overachievement, and it's been going ok. Well, if I'm honest I've been jonesing for another overachievement and fighting the weak parts of myself to not fall off the wagon into overwork and stress.

It's nice to meet you. Can you relate?

Over-acheiving is an addiction because your brain gets a delicious hit of dopamine every time you check one more to-do off the list. Ahhh…..so good.

So, in the absence of over-working, I've been uncomfortable. I don't mean the pillow-on-the-couch-is-squished-in-a-weird-way uncomfortable. I mean a deep down in my gut uncomfortable. I feel antsy and discombobulated. I have more than enough work right now, and I'm learning a ton about myself and my emotions in an advanced coach training course. There's a lot going on at home, too, so it's not like I'm sitting around eating bonbons and watching Oprah all day (and, hey, no judgment if you eat bonbons and watch Oprah). My plate is full, and I'm uncomfortable because it is not over-full, and I'm not ploughing ahead on a big project.

If you are a chronic overachiever and cycle through burnout and exhaustion, here are some thoughts:

1. The messages around you state that more is always better. Bigger portions. More with less. Faster results. Higher salaries. More responsibility. You find yourself on a constant hamster wheel in pursuit of "more." I'll tell you this, it will never be enough. There is no "ahhh…I made it" at the end of that game.
2. Notice if you use work to avoid discomfort. A friend of mine once observed, "Christina, you work to manage your anxiety." You may be using work to numb uncomfortable feelings (like fear, doubt, or uncertainty).
3. Notice how your sense of self-worth and value is wrapped up in what you produce. Overachieving has made me successful. It got me a PhD, corporate promotions and a successful coaching business. And each time, there has been a price to pay to my relationships, wellbeing, and happiness. The price isn't worth it anymore (and probably never was), and I'm determined to learn how to be successful without the overworking.
4. See what it happens when you give yourself permission to stop overachieving and just be with the discomfort, even if it's only for 2 seconds. Start small and work up from there. I have a feeling the secret to peace, flow, and ease is weirdly in the discomfort.
5. Ask yourself, "for the sake of what?" What's the purpose behind the achievement? Is it joy and learning or is it the outcome and recognition? Align your work to your values and align your daily choices to what you want for your entire life, including family, self-care, hobbies, and relationships.

I don't have the answer to this one yet as I'm on this journey with you. When I figure it out, I'll let you know.

For now, you are enough. You have enough. You're doing enough.

More soon!

Christina

P.S. Think of 2-3 friends who need to hear the message that they are enough and are doing enough. Send them this newsletter with your love and this link so they can sign up to hear more!

Want to Achieve the Impossible (Or At Least the Very Unlikely)?

When we were in Kenya in December, my daughter had the privilege and pleasure to interview the internationally renowned conservationist and paleontologist, Dr. Richard Leakey. (If you've never heard of him, just google his name, and you'll discover this larger-than-life man who's had a larger-than-life career doing, among many things, saving the African elephant. Angelina Jolie is making a movie about him. Nuff said.)

In a few more sentences you are going to discover how to make the very unlikely, much more likely.

I grew up as the daughter of anthropologists so Dr. Leakey was a household name. When my daughter decided she wanted to research Kenyan elephant conservation for her History Day project, I immediately thought, "I wonder if she could meet Richard Leakey?"

Immediately followed by: "That's impossible." And, all the reasons it was impossible - we don't know where he lives, or how to contact him, or if he's too busy and too famous, or if he would even respond to a request from a 14-year-old girl.

So, my girl and I did the one thing that will also help you turn the impossible into the possible.

We asked.

With the power of the googles, I found an email address, my daughter crafted a request, and we sent it. Within 12 hours she had a yes, and we were working out the details to meet at his office in Nairobi.

People ask us, "How did you get to meet Richard Leakey? That's amazing!" They expect that we had some inside track or some prior relationship or personal connection.

Nope. We simply asked.

So, if you want an audience with the CEO of your company or you have your eye on a project you're dying to do or you want to be part of a meeting or to join a group, stop waiting for permission or for someone to invite you. Just ask.

The truth is, we had no expectation that we'd even hear back. (Being unattached to the outcome is also an important part of making the impossible, possible.)

At the conclusion of the interview when my girl was thanking him, Dr. Leakey said in his charming British accent, "I don't do it very often, but I thought you put in a particularly nice request. So I said yes."

So, get out there and put in your particularly nice request. It's a crucial step toward getting the yeses you want.

Then write to me and tell me how you turned the impossible into the possible for yourself!

Warmly,

Christina

I'm so over stress and overwork. Are you?

I've written and talked a lot about the ugly experience of burning out in my corporate job, recovering, and building myself up from the inside out. I've talked about how I've repeated the dynamic of burnout even as I run my own business with all the freedom to do things the way I want (ugh).

I keep being reminded, "Wherever you go, there you are."

Can you relate? Do you wish you could finally make changes so you're not repeating the same pattern again and again? I am committed to ending this pattern of overwork, stress and burnout this year. I'm so done with it.

I bet you are, too. So was a woman named, Mary (names changed to protect the innocent). Here's a real client story. I hear you love those.

Ready? See where you see yourself in this story.

Over the years as the chair of various boards, Mary was a natural leader, often turning chaos into calm. While she delivered more than what was expected, even when expectations were high, she often felt like a fraud. The dissonance between how others saw her, and how she felt internally, bothered her.

Mary had just left a position as a president of a non-profit, and was craving balance between her own needs and that of her family, which consisted of three children and a husband with a demanding job. She often felt guilty, assuming that if something went wrong, it was her fault. In both her professional and personal life, Mary gave her all to others, at the cost of herself. Because she didn't know how to "fill her well," she was exhausted. Mary felt like a victim of her circumstances. She had been in therapy--a lot. It had helped, especially in dealing with past trauma, but she still had trouble setting boundaries. Mary was afraid of her own power. She thought that if she asked for what she really wanted, she would get shut down.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Faced with being an empty-nester, in a marriage that suffered from deferred maintenance, and holding onto friendships that were based on convenience rather than shared values, Mary struggled to find her place in the world. That's when she heard the call to see beyond the roles she played with others, to something more real. She wanted more joy and play in her life. She wanted to stop apologizing for being herself and own her choices.

So, she made the decision to enroll in the Live Your Great Story program. (I'm going to pause here. This is the point when I usually delete an email. Yes. This program exists. Yes, I'm assisting it. And yes, it is available to you if you're interested. And, this story and the webinar I'm inviting you to has value whether you are interested in a program or not. So, keep reading. OK?)

Over the course of four months, Mary noticed big and small improvements. She began to recognize and feel more of her emotions. She started to feel more connected to her own values and what she wanted. She gave herself permission to trust herself. She created more authentic connections to the people she loved.

Today, Mary makes better decisions, puts her energy toward the people and activities that bring her joy, and has the confidence to show up as who she is. She has created intimacy and authenticity in her relationships, including with her children. She took on another important non-profit board role, no longer feeling like an imposter. Mary now owns who she is, feels more in charge of her life, and has created a presence that others notice.

Are you intrigued? Even a little bit? If you are, join me and Corporate Rebel favorite, Carol Ross for a webinar THIS FRIDAY February 2nd at noon Central Time. It's free and open to everyone. To join, simply click here.

As a coach, I'm starting to see how Great Story Coaching has helped me and people like you to resolve the patterns that have gotten in our way for years. Like I said above, I'm so over stress and overwork. I'm ready to embrace my business and life with ease and certainty. Are you?

Join me and Carol on Friday. Can't wait to see you there. Join here.

Christina

Do You Get In Your Own Way?

Over my 7 years of coaching, I've heard time and again from people who see that the #1 thing that holds them back from getting what they want is themselves. Their thinking, fears, and unconscious reactions are the things that stop them from taking that next step or breaking out of an old and tired pattern.

Do any of these stories sound familiar to you?

• You are unhappy in your current job or perhaps your current profession, and are willing to "tough it out" for fear that you'll never find the same security someplace else.
• You're a talented professional who keeps seeking a new job in the hopes that things will finally be different only to get there and find it's the same. (Or my favorite version of this: Keep overworking in the hope that you will finally "get there" only to find that the line to success keeps moving, and there's always more to do.)
• You want to take that next step in your career and stories of past failures or fear stop you from taking action.

In all my years of working with clients, I've seen that making an emotional shift is what creates lasting change. Change comes from releasing the anger, frustration or sadness and learning to use those emotions to unlock the mysteries to long-standing habits that do not serve you. We all have these habits, and we let them hold us back.

You have them. I have them.

I've been exploring my ingrained habits and beliefs since the fall. I have been enrolled in an advanced coaching training to develop my toolbox to include strategies to help you break free of unhelpful patterns of thought, feeling and behavior. Wouldn't you love to put work and life on your terms and to feel like the driver of your life?

You can!

You can get started with a live webinar at noon CT on Friday, February 2nd.

Carol Ross, a dear friend of mine, and a popular guest in many Corporate Rebel events, is presenting Live Your Great Story in 2018!

In this free 60-minute webinar, you will learn:

1. The three stories (Victim, Overcoming, and Great) that you live--and how these stories can either lift you up or take you down.
2. A tool for understanding which story you--and others--are living, at any moment. This tool will help you put work and life on your terms by letting you choose the experience you want to have.
3. The breadcrumbs to find your way back to what you want, no matter what your current circumstances.

This webinar is free and open to everyone. All you have to do is register right here.

The Live Your Great Story in 2018 webinar will start you on the path to create what you want.

I'll see you there!

Christina