When You're Uncomfortable, Do This….

Time to read: 36 little seconds

Kids off to college!

My clients are changing careers, managing large teams through murky corporate restructuring, contemplating retirement, supporting their own businesses, and starting new jobs. People are approaching weddings, family drama, and children leaving home for college. As you've probably heard and felt yourself, it's a lot.

What do all these things have in common? They make you uncomfortable.

Most of these changes are good things… eventually. The road to get there is paved with uncertainty which can lead to fear, powerlessness, and the urge to do something.

Doing something to stave off discomfort leads to these kinds of choices:

• over-performing
• drinking
• drama and conflict
• avoiding
• denial

Let's just say, these aren't the most effective choices and each one carries its own undesirable consequences. You have another option when you feel uncomfortable.

Stay

This doesn't mean stick around in a bad situation. Stay means remain alert, keep going, pay attention, know you can live with your discomfort, and trust yourself to know when it's time to act.

Just stay

It's simple. Easy. Costs nothing.

Do you have a friend or colleague who is trying to live in a blender of change? Please forward this blog to them. They can sign up for it here.

This Is What Easy Looks Like!

Time to read: 53.57 seconds on my stopwatch

A client, we'll call her Susie,* came to me frustrated and sad. It had been 9 months since she left her job during Covid. She needed a break. One month, became two which became nine. She started to worry that she wouldn't find the right fit or that she'd have to go back to the unsatisfying work she was doing before. She was apathetic and filled with self-doubt.

Job searching is brutal, especially if you are changing fields or changing careers. Uncertainty does a number on your self-confidence.

In years of experience as a coach, I know that the path to finding a job is a magical combination of working on yourself and taking strategic steps that bring positive energy to the search. Susie and I worked on her self-doubt and motivation. She resolved some tired old stories that were not serving her.

Susie called me excited last week. She landed a thrilling new job that starts right away. The role is a perfect fit. Susie loves the industry, sees a future for herself and said, "My confidence is back!"

How did she get this job? Did it come from struggle and worry and hard work?

Nope. She sent an email. One email to someone she had spoken to a few years ago. He was happy to hear from her, told her of an opening in the company, she applied and was hired. The whole process was easy.

When I asked her what she learned from this experience she said, "I can trust easy things. Ease is real."

There it is. Ease is real. I see it all the time. Clients struggle and worry and wring their hands until a magical moment happens when the perfect job and the perfect candidate find each other. When that happens, everyone wins.

Ease is real, and it's not just for job hunting. Ponder that concept.

If you have a friend who is job hunting, contemplating a career change or simply needs some ease in their life, please forward this artcile to them. They can sign up for my newsletter here.

What Are You Waiting For?

Time to read: A nice short one. 43 seconds.

My clients have said things recently like:

• "I'll retire next year when…."
• "I'll look for a new job when…."
• "I'll go visit that old friend when…."
• "I'll move to my dream city when…."

When is when? This thinking operates on a fallacy that there is more money, time, and motivation in the future than there is in the present. This fallacy keeps you waiting, but for what?

The future is built upon who you are and what you do with this minute, this hour and this day.

So instead of looking to a false future that you think holds all your dreams and desires, ask yourself what you can do now to bring your current reality closer to your dreams and desires. If you want more fun and freedom in the future, what can you do this minute to have more fun? If your future self is carefree and calm, how do you become carefree and calm today?

This is a simple concept with wide-reaching impact. If you have a minute, I'd love to hear you what you think. Hit reply to share your thoughts.

If you are one of the many people who forwards my blog articles to your friends and colleagues, please make sure they know they can sign up for my newsletter by emailing me here.

Be well.

Making A Decision? Do This...

Time to read: less than 1 minute

People are making big decisions these days. Among my friends and clients people are relocating, changing careers, quitting jobs, choosing colleges, and starting businesses. Are you among those who are weighing options and trying to decide the right path to take? If yes, read on. If not, forward this to all the people you know who are making big decisions.

I'll come clean. I'm not a fan of a pros/cons list. That data can be helpful, and it only gets you so far. When I'm working with someone to make a decision, here are the three strategies we use:

1. Go up 10,000 feet. Let the details go for a while and focus on the big picture. What are your values? What criteria is most important to you? What do you actually want?   Example: If you are choosing a college, decide which 2-3 criteria are crucial, like location, specific programs, size, the presence of sports or choir.
2. Be honest with yourself. You can easily be tempted by things like prestige, money, and comparison to others. Those are recipes for bad decisions.   Example: Early in my corporate career, I was offered a supervisor position in IT helping the company figure out procedures and processes for cell phones. (I'm dating myself here.) The position was a leadership role, and I would have received a $1,000 raise - a month! I said no. No amount of money was worth doing something I didn't care about.
3. Do a gut check. You have all the facts. You've weighed your values and what you want. Now, check your gut. Does the decision feel right? If you're afraid, does the fear feel like the unknown or a good stretch or does it feel like toxic waste? Trust your gut.

Please write to me and tell me all about big decisions you're making. I love to hear from you.

If you are one of the many people who forward these articles to your friends and colleagues, please make sure they know they can sign up for my newsletter here.

Be well.

Happy Spring Break!

Time to read: 15 seconds so you can get back to your frilly drink

Two years ago this week, we were all scrambling to cancel our spring break travel plans, worrying about what was going to happen to our jobs, watching restaurants close (some of them forever), and wondering what the heck was going on. Three weeks became three years, and here we are.

This week, people are traveling for spring break again. Restaurants are open! Some folks are back at the office and if they're not, we're really good at online work. Things aren't perfect. Lots of people have suffered and continue to suffer. Who knows what Covid has in store for us now.

And…let's CELEBRATE what's good. Toes in sand. College trips. Meals you don't have to cook for yourself. And my favorite - hanging out regularly with friends again! I could go on and on about the power of celebrating, and you have fun to have. Get back to it!

If you're traveling for spring break, have a wonderful time!

If you are one of the many people who forward these blog articles to your friends and colleagues, please make sure they know they can sign up for my newsletter here.

Be well.

Be A Mess…Be A Leader

Time to read: 2 minutes. Regardless of your official role, you are a leader 24/7

Ten years ago I participated in a year-long leadership program that changed my life. During the first of four on-site retreats, our leaders said, "let yourself be shattered." They meant...move through the world open-hearted, let things touch you, when there's pain, feel it. Doing so builds empathy, compassion, resilience and trust.

Allowing yourself to be shattered builds your capacity to flow with life as it is and to lead others through inevitable ups and downs. (You are a leader 24/7 regardless of your official work role.)

The alternative is denial and resisting what's real. That's a recipe for exhaustion, hardness, and separation.

Volodymyr Zelensky's speech before the US Congress yesterday was shattering. Clients and friends have family and business colleagues in Ukraine. Events in the world impact you at work directly (your company has an office in Ukraine) and indirectly (your heart is broken).

What does it mean to be shattered on the path to powerful leadership?

1. 1. Witness: The tendency is to look away when terrible things happen. To avoid eye contact when someone is escorted out of the office with their stuff or to avoid the news. It's important to witness what's real, even when you can't do anything about it. Seeing and acknowledging pain breeds connection and keeps you human. Witnessing isn't about punishing yourself with every detail. It's about knowing you have the capacity to help hold what's true.

**As a leader your job isn't to make everything pretty and positive all the time. It's to steer your people effectively through ups and downs. Build your capacity.

2. 2. Feel your feelings Become facile at experiencing your feelings. Let your emotions flow through you like the weather so you can release them. If you don't, they clog your energy and make it hard to move forward. I recommend doing this alone or with a close friend or partner. Experiencing your feelings is for yourself, not something to impose on others.
**As a leader, you are responsible for your emotions. Unprocessed emotions come out as unintentional and often unhelpful reactions. Being facile with your emotions will make you authentic, trustworthy, and effective.
3. 3. It's ok to be a mess: You hold up so many people - your spouse, children, employees, parents, friends. It's easy to feel that if you fall apart, they will fall apart. Give yourself permission to be a mess. The truth is, it won't last as long as you fear and the relief and freedom on the other side are worth it.
**As a leader, moving through your shattering enables you to be clean in your decisions and relationships. Trying to be in control never works.
4. 4. Live! A number of clients have said they feel guilty about what they have when people in Ukraine are suffering. Think about a time when something terrible happened to you. Did you want those around you to suffer, too? Would their suffering have alleviated your pain? Suffering and pain are an unfortunate reality of being human. It's imperative that you live or we just compound suffering on suffering to all of our detriment.
**As a leader, you serve as a role model for others. What you do and how you do it matters more than your words. Show your people what it means to live, even in shattering circumstances.

It's hard to know what to say in circumstances like this. I hope this is helpful.

If you are one of the many people who forward these emails to your friends and colleagues, please make sure they know they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Be well.

The 6 Elements Of A Powerful Support System

Time to read: 1 minute, 45 seconds. It's a long one, based on an article I wrote for the Rancho La Puerta newsletter

It’s been a rough two years. As many of us learned the hard way, humans are not meant to be isolated. We are social creatures. We live in communities. We depend on each other for physical and emotional support. During the pandemic, our external support structures were eliminated or reduced – religious organizations, school, workplaces, yoga studios, the list goes on. We got creative. We prioritized our relationships and decided who was worth another hour on Zoom.

The world is opening, and we are seeing each other again. Now is a great time to think about consciously crafting your support system.

I think of support systems in 6 categories. You’ll access each kind of support for different things and look to different people to provide them. Sometimes you'll pay for expertise and other times, you'll get help from friends, yourself, or even strangers.

Here are the 6 Elements of a Powerful Support System:

1. Physical: You need people to help you carry boxes, cut your hair, and renovate a bathroom. You need physical support in the hospital or from your massage therapist. Some physical support will be intimate (a home-health nurse), and some will be casual (the technician who fixes your dishwasher). You can hire it (like movers) or receive it (like the person who holds the door when your arms are full of groceries).
2. Advice: Sometimes you need an expert to tell you what to do - like an accountant for your taxes, an attorney for your estate plan, or a mentor to help you navigate company politics. Other times, you need friends to tell you how to handle a delicate social situation or a colleague to brainstorm a conversation with your VP.
3. Emotional: When you're crying or you want to scream, you need people who will hold space for your feelings. The best emotional support never judges, doesn't give advice or solutions, and makes room for your messy humanness. You can hire emotional support like a therapist or coach or get it for free from family and friends.
4. Deep personal support is best in the form of therapy or a coach. It's the kind of support that gets under your patterns, helps you heal old wounds and points you toward the truth in your choices. Sometimes deep support feels nurturing, other times it is uncomfortable. When done well, it leads to lasting freedom and peace.
5. Spiritual: Spiritual support gives you answers to big questions, like meaning of life kind of stuff. It comes in seen forms like religious organizations, nature, therapists, coaches, and spiritual advisors. It also comes in forms you can't see like God, soul, angels, and spirit guides. A beautiful sunrise on a hike at The Ranch is spiritual support.
6. Self: You are one of your best supports. You create structures and routines to care for your body and mind like sleep, nutrition, and exercise. You provide your own emotional support by having compassion for yourself through all of life's ups and downs. You take responsibility for your choices and care for yourself when things get hard.

Do you notice gaps in your support structure? Yay! Go fill them. Is your support structure strong and balanced? Yay! You're ready to ride life's waves.

One parting thought: You are a support structure for others,

If you are one of the many people who forward these emails to your friends and colleagues, please make sure they know they can sign up for this newsletter here.

Have a great weekend!