Difficult Conversations: How To Prepare

Time to read: 1 minute, 23 seconds

I don't take photos of people in conflict so you're gonna get random pictures of my pets. :-)

Last week, I talked about handling your emotions so you can enter a difficult conversation as cleanly as you can.

A comment about your emotions: That advice assumes, of course, that you have time to give yourself space (for example: when informing an employee they won't be getting a raise). You may find yourself delivering bad news in an emergency (for example, "Dad is in the hospital!"). The same conversational structure applies, and you may not have time to temper your own emotions before you make the phone call.

When you have time, I highly recommend preparation. Think about these things:

• What is the purpose of the conversation?
• What do you hope you and the other person will get out of it?
• What will you say?
• How will you say it?
• Who do you want to be in the conversation?

I recommend writing a script for yourself or at least some thoughts. It's not like you have to walk in with a set of notecards. And, it helps to know the point you want to make, the important information to convey, and how you want to conduct yourself.

Your script might look like this:

• Conversation with sister.
• Goal, get aligned on care for our parents. Stay in a relationship when we don't see eye-to-eye.
• Opening sentence: It's clear we both love our parents. What I'm about to say may be hard to hear. Please stay with me as we work through this emotional situation.
• Being: Be loving and slow down. Remember to listen and value what she says. Connect, even when it's hard.

Preparation will make the conversation go smoothly (although, coming soon…you have no control over how the other person responds).

Next week: How to open the conversation

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

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Practices That Change The World #7

Time to read: 56 seconds

2023 started intensely. Chaos. Crisis. Emotions. No pause or time to breathe. Last week I finally had a chance to breathe, recover, and reflect.

For today's "practices that change the world," I am going to start with a story. (My parents granted me permission to tell it.)

My mother made an emergency trip to the hospital two weeks ago. I got THAT phone call and in 20 minutes was showered, packed and in the car to the airport. If you've ever done this, you know what the next week was like. (For all you caring folks, my mom is home and doing well.)

In the middle of it all, we received disappointing news that meant more days in the hospital. We were discouraged and sad.

I was the chief note-taker and candy striper so I looked at my parents and said,

"What would make this suck 5% less?"

My parents: "answers to medical questions....going home."

Me: "Not in the future. What can I do right now that would improve this experience by 5%?"

My father said, "beer."

My mother said, "a massage."

I said, "better food."

Which brings me to today's practice....

What can you do right now...this minute...that will improve your experience by 5%?

Studies show that a beer, a massage, and better food improve your experience by 10-15%. In fact, those things created sublime moments in the midst of difficulty. When you aim for 5% better right now, you often get so much more.

I love to hear from you. What's your 5% better?

Have a great weekend!

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The 6 Elements Of A Powerful Support System

Time to read: 1 minute, 45 seconds. It's a long one, based on an article I wrote for the Rancho La Puerta newsletter

It’s been a rough two years. As many of us learned the hard way, humans are not meant to be isolated. We are social creatures. We live in communities. We depend on each other for physical and emotional support. During the pandemic, our external support structures were eliminated or reduced – religious organizations, school, workplaces, yoga studios, the list goes on. We got creative. We prioritized our relationships and decided who was worth another hour on Zoom.

The world is opening, and we are seeing each other again. Now is a great time to think about consciously crafting your support system.

I think of support systems in 6 categories. You’ll access each kind of support for different things and look to different people to provide them. Sometimes you'll pay for expertise and other times, you'll get help from friends, yourself, or even strangers.

Here are the 6 Elements of a Powerful Support System:

1. Physical: You need people to help you carry boxes, cut your hair, and renovate a bathroom. You need physical support in the hospital or from your massage therapist. Some physical support will be intimate (a home-health nurse), and some will be casual (the technician who fixes your dishwasher). You can hire it (like movers) or receive it (like the person who holds the door when your arms are full of groceries).
2. Advice: Sometimes you need an expert to tell you what to do - like an accountant for your taxes, an attorney for your estate plan, or a mentor to help you navigate company politics. Other times, you need friends to tell you how to handle a delicate social situation or a colleague to brainstorm a conversation with your VP.
3. Emotional: When you're crying or you want to scream, you need people who will hold space for your feelings. The best emotional support never judges, doesn't give advice or solutions, and makes room for your messy humanness. You can hire emotional support like a therapist or coach or get it for free from family and friends.
4. Deep personal support is best in the form of therapy or a coach. It's the kind of support that gets under your patterns, helps you heal old wounds and points you toward the truth in your choices. Sometimes deep support feels nurturing, other times it is uncomfortable. When done well, it leads to lasting freedom and peace.
5. Spiritual: Spiritual support gives you answers to big questions, like meaning of life kind of stuff. It comes in seen forms like religious organizations, nature, therapists, coaches, and spiritual advisors. It also comes in forms you can't see like God, soul, angels, and spirit guides. A beautiful sunrise on a hike at The Ranch is spiritual support.
6. Self: You are one of your best supports. You create structures and routines to care for your body and mind like sleep, nutrition, and exercise. You provide your own emotional support by having compassion for yourself through all of life's ups and downs. You take responsibility for your choices and care for yourself when things get hard.

Do you notice gaps in your support structure? Yay! Go fill them. Is your support structure strong and balanced? Yay! You're ready to ride life's waves.

One parting thought: You are a support structure for others,

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Have a great weekend!