Feeling Tender About This One

Time to read: 1.5 minutes. The development of understanding? Worth every second

My babies

Many of you know that I'm based in Minnesota. This week, another Black man was shot, and we are in the middle of Derek Chauvin's trial for killing George Floyd. People are sad, angry and fed up. Our city is on edge. So, today I'm writing in that context and honestly, I have to hit send on this newsletter before I lose my nerve.

I want to talk about blind spots.

Last summer, my teenage daughter wanted to attend a protest after the murder of George Floyd. Every parent worries about their children out in the world. And after a week of helicopters over our house, neighbors reporting SUVs with no license plates on our street, and friends who own a hotel describing their Covid-empty rooms suddenly filled with people from out of town, the fear was beyond a regular Saturday night.

An important fact: My daughter is brown.

And this is not a story about her.** This is a story about blind spots and what it takes to create understanding. Ultimately, IMHO, understanding, relationship and love are what will get us out of the mess we're in.

Back to the protest and the fear.

After my girl left the house, I texted a friend of mine who is Black. Our children go to school together.

Here is our text string:

Me: On Tuesday, P went to the Capital to protest with a number of school friends. On her way out the door, I quizzed her on what to do in response to the police (comply), how to make sure her friend group stays together, how to keep her eyes open for danger.

As she walked down the sidewalk, I cannot describe how I felt. Disembodied is the word I'll use. It's like a circuit breaker tripped. I thought of you. I'm embarrassed to say this. I saw for the first time what I imagine mothers of color feel like every single time they let their kids out the door. My fear was in my bones. As a white mom of a brown child, I realized I've been doing everything I can to keep her in a safe bubble until what? She's old enough to handle the world? Until the world changes?

Friend: That is what it feels like to be a black mom, sister, wife EVERYDAY.

Me: In that moment, all I could do was make sure she was as prepared as she could be and let her go, hoping the world will love her as much as I do. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get it.

Friend: I sincerely appreciate your words and your time and your authenticity.

It look a visceral, physical experience for me to finally understand. And, it should have taken a lot less for me to get it. (To be clear, this "should" is not coming from shame or beating myself up. It's coming from ownership and recognition that I can do better.) If we're willing, we can shine a light on our blind spots and one step and one relationship at a time, turn the world into the place we want it to be.

Maya Angelou said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

That's what I've got for this rough week.

Annoyed? Use It For Good

Time to read: 56 seconds

Years ago when I hired my first coach, I got 2-word responses when I emailed her. If I was having a "learning experience" between sessions (usually accompanied by tears and snot), I had to wait until my next session to tell her about it.

These things annoyed me.

Other things that annoy me (it's a long list so I'll only give you a few):

• When people don't respond to emails.
• When people get aggressive or yell at me in traffic.
• When a group jumps straight to the work without establishing relationships first.

Annoyance provides insight into what's important to you. Other people get to design their lives and work however they like. I have no judgment for the 2-word email or the lack of response. (I do judge the traffic situation ever so slightly.)

Take a look at your annoyances and let them guide how you design your commitments.

For example:

• I value communication and connection so I reply to every email.
• I want my clients to feel supported out in the world so they are able email and text me between sessions.
• If it annoys you when people interrupt your focus, make sure you check before interrupting others.
• If you know the power of relationship to make work easier, then you do what's needed to prioritize connection.
• If getting cut off in traffic annoys you, be generous with those trying to merge.

Using your annoyances lifts being annoyed from something that's... well... annoying and elevates them into tools to create work and life on your terms.

Selfishness = Service

Time to read: 55.3 seconds

In January, my doctor friend sent me a text.

"You should volunteer for this. They said they need organized non-medical people, and you are the most organized non-medical person I know."

She was talking about vaccine clinics. I couldn't fill out the volunteer form fast enough.

My motivation? Me. 100% pure, selfish me.

I had to get out of my house and be among the peoples. As an extrovert in an introverted household, COVID has been parched. Being part of the action and around people I don't already know sounded like heaven. The vaccine clinics have filled a dinner party-sized hole in my life.

I'm also a great volunteer. I'm enthusiastic and friendly. I take direction and do what I'm told. My schedule is flexible so I'm available. I can talk to anyone and handle stress. I recruit friends. I bring muffins. I serve.

People have told me how grateful they are for my service, and at first I felt a little guilty because I knew I was there for the socializing.

Then it dawned on me. Both things can be true. In fact, self-interest and service are the perfect pairing.

Service is easier when you feel like you have skin in the game. It's more fun. You're more motivated. You are free from any sense of martyrdom or self-importance which keeps your eye on the prize - socializing service.

As your world starts to open to include a wider view, where can you pair your self-interest with service?

It's a lot of fun.

I Take Issue With Boundaries. Here's Why.

Time to read: maybe 2 minutes?

Hello Rebels!

Imagine you have a boss who sends emails on weekends. Or you volunteer for something and scope creep turns the one thing into 15 things that dominate your life. At this point, I hear clients say, "help me learn to set some boundaries."

Boundaries. Bleh.

Here's why:

Boundaries are inherently about a response to something outside yourself. The frame of reference is the thing - the boss, the volunteer job, the needy relative. Boundaries are about creating barriers, resistance, and building up defenses to deflect the intrusion. When you are operating in resistance to or in response to something, the something maintains the power and you block and tackle your way through. What I hate about this concept is that it robs you of your power and agency.

Try this on instead:

What if instead of boundaries, you have ownership?

You are the creator of your life and work. You make the choices. You get to decide what fits into your daily life and your vision of your future. Instead of blocking and tackling, let your purpose, energy and preferences drive what you will and won't do. You don't owe anyone a justification and your choices are simply that, your choices.

Here's how ownership could look:

• Your boss sends emails on the weekend. That's your boss's choice. If you don't want to email on the weekends, let your boss know that he can expect a reply on Monday. Simple. Clean. Clear. You can also decide to reply on the weekend if you'd like. The choice is yours, and simply own whatever you choose without complaining about your boss emailing on the weekend. (Hint: The complaining is a waste of your weekend.)
• You volunteer and the role grows and dominates your life. Decide the best use of your gifts. You are not obligated to say yes to 15 more things because you said yes to one. Choose to say yes or no and whatever you choose, own it.

Ownership requires you to:

• know what you want and take responsibility for it own your gifts, purpose and energy and make clear decisions about how to use them
• let go of the feeling that everything is on your shoulders be transparent and clear in your communication

Ultimately, ownership is clean, clear, simple and liberating.

Try on this perspective change and let me know what you think. I always love to hear from you.

Tired of Conflict and Drama? Use This Tool

Time to read: It's a long one. 1.5 minutes!

Arguing over walks and feeding your Covid pup? Design your alliance!

Hello Rebels!

As you start to slowly emerge from isolation and find your way back to life, the risk of conflict is great. Returning to the office. Kids back at school. Families with different values. Reuniting with friends and loved ones. Travel. The tool I'm going to share today is a game changer. I use it all the time.

(First, welcome all y'all who came over from Jason Lauritsen's group. Jason is an amazing public speaker, author and world changer. I'm lucky to call him a friend.)

Jason shared the Designed Alliance* process, and here's more to help you get the most out of it. For those of you who have been in the Corporate Rebel Community for a while, you can get the download here.

Here are three things that will make you a powerful Designed Alliance Ninja Wizard.

1. This process is about being in intentional relationship. It's about how you work together rather than what you'll do.

The mistake I see in partnerships and groups is starting with the work. For example, you volunteer for a committee at your children's school and at the first meeting, you do some intros and dive right into the details for the graduation party. Inevitably, someone steps on someone's toes or gets hurt when someone squelches their ideas. All of that drama is preventable with a little up-front conversation.

2. A designed alliance creates strong relationships and makes the actual work much easier. It's worth the up-front investment. Think about any team or group you've worked in. When relationships are sound, the work runs smoothly, even when you run into bumps. When people aren't getting along, it's almost impossible to do the work and hours of your time get wasted in navigating interpersonal landmines.

3. The designed alliance process works for big and small situations.

When my husband and I renovated our house, we used all 8 steps because the risk of marital disaster was great. The process went smoothly and we actually had fun. (And thanks to our alliance, I didn't have to care about dimmer switches.)

If a friend calls and you only have 10 minutes before your next meeting, a quick, "I have 10 minutes. If we need more time, I can call you later" counts as a designed alliance.

One of my clients used this process with her family (including small children) before a vacation and reported that, "It was the best vacation we've ever had."

I taught this process to my parents this weekend. They've had some change and an alliance will help things go smoothly.

Without conscious relationship, we bonk into each other's assumptions, try to read each other's minds, and give people what we think they want (which often isn't what they actually want).

As you start to get back to life, design your alliances early and often. Then hit reply to this email and tell me what happens. I love to hear your stories.

This Concept Blew My Mind

Time to read: This one blew my mind. So, 5 seconds to read. A day or two to recover from your blown mind.

The future creates your present (not your past). You have infinite possible futures. Are you currently aligned with the one you want?

And if you're not, what do you need to change to get aligned?

Love to you,

Christina

When You Bump Into a Problem...

Time to read: still grooving - 5 seconds

Consider: There is no problem here.

What if this idea applied to everything?

Love to you,

Christina