Practices That Change The World #10 - Part 2

Time to read: 55 seconds

Remember last week? Me yelling at the hotel clerk? Last week was Part 1: Recover. This is Part 2 of what to do when you've behaved in ways you're not proud of.

REPAIR

First let me say that humans are messy. That means that sometimes, other people will be messy. Other times, you will be messy, confused, hurt, angry, tired, frustrated, and you will lose your abilty to keep your confusion/anger/hurt /tired/frustration under wraps.

So, in any relationship, whether with a friend, or even in the case of a hotel clerk, REPAIR is crucial. To repair requires compassion, grace, forgiveness and a commitment to understanding that humans are messy, including yourself.

The temptation is to judge, hold impossibly high standards and walk away, writing the other person off as wrong, annoying, or as someone who deserved it. This is not a great framework for living in a world filled with other people.

I invite you to consider the power of repair....for what it does for you and for the other person.

Here's how repair works in the form of an apology.

An apology requires you to take ownership for yourself (if you are the one apologizing) and to receive the apology (if you are the one, well, receiving the apology).

Here is an ineffective apology:

Me: "Sorry I yelled. I just wanted you to not charge me for the room tonight (blame). I've had a hard week (justification)."

Hotel Clerk: Uh....um....

Let's try that again with an effective apology.

Me: I'm sorry I yelled at you.""

Hotel Clerk: "It's ok." (Notice the desire to make everything ok as quickly as possible except it's not actually ok because I haven't yet taken ownership.)

Me: "Actually, it's not ok. Please let me apologize. My behavior was out of line. You were doing your job and did not deserve to be treated like that. I'm sorry."

Hotel Clerk: "Thank you for apologizing. That isn't the worst thing that's going to happen to me today."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that. It should be."

See? A win for self-compassion. Connection made. Relationship restored.

You are not expected to be perfect. You will mess up. You will hurt people. You will be messy. Welcome to being human.

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3 Reasons to Clean Up Your Messes

Time to read: Less than one minute. Time to clean up your mess? Depends on the size.

Let's just say that the other day, I wasn't my best. I don't know why, but there's something about the vet that pokes my buttons. It's not the actual vet, it's the processes at the vet. It's weird because I'm usually so easy... but I digress. That's not the point.

I became irritated and the poor receptionist who was trying to help me took the brunt. It wasn't my finest hour, and my response was very human. We humans mess up. And when we do, we humans have a responsibility to clean it up.

There are three reasons to clean up your messes - big and small.

1. It's the right thing to do, especially when you've hurt someone. Cleaning up your messes matters for other people.
2. Lingering messes are sticky and the guilt / sadness / justification / defensiveness (choose your poison) sticks to you. Cleaning up your messes matters for you.
3. The energy you put into the world matters so let that energy be honest and true, even when it's hard. Cleaning up your messes matters to our world.

I called the receptionist and apologized. I was nervous. And the 2 minutes it took to take responsibility and be forgiven made all the difference for both of us.

What mess is sticking to you and what can you do today to clean it up?

Email me here if you'd like to consider offering the 90-Minute Return to the Office live event with me and Anne. It's the easiest path to avoiding conflict and messes that need to be cleaned up.