Difficult Conversations: What To Do After The Opening

Time to read: 54 seconds

Welcome back to the next installment of Difficult Conversations. If you missed the first part of this story, you'll find last week's newsletter on my website here.

We left our poor manager and employee hanging. The hard message was delivered, the manager shut her mouth, now what?

  • Give the person back their power. The easiest way to do that is to ask them what they need next. Once someone has heard… "You're not getting a raise," "I'm no longer paying your rent", or "We're going to the cabin for Christmas, on our own", the other person can't hear a thing. So, you say, "Do you need a minute?" or "Would you like to go home for the rest of the day? We can continue this conversation later." Then let them go. Or continue if that's what they choose. The important thing is to offer them autonomy and choice.
  • Set a time to talk again so it's not hanging out there.
  • Finish the feedback, share your plans, explain your reasoning (now or later).
  • End the conversation with positivity and appreciation, "I know this was hard. Thank you for sticking with it." "I really appreciate that we could have this conversation." "Thank you for understanding."

Someone asked, "What do you do when people don't hear you?" That's next week.

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

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What We're Getting Wrong. (And how to get it right.)

Time to read: Less than 1 minute

Vermont in the fall

If you pay attention to the news, even if you don't, you can't escape the level of vitriol and meanness that seems to pervade our national and international conversations. I'd share examples but the list is long, depressing, and you already know it.

Baked into the vitriol and meanness is a sense of "us" and "them," an insistence on winning for my side while their side must lose. We are all too familiar with win-lose, and it's exhausting and anxiety producing.

Here's the thing: There is no such thing as win-lose. There's no such thing as "us" and "them."

There's only us.

Our only options are win-win or lose-lose.

Working toward win-win requires reflection and willingness to embrace complexity, paradox, uncertainty, and things you don't understand. The desire to cling to simple solutions, universal "truth," and certainty leads to choices and attitudes that cause everyone to lose.

Years ago, when I taught college, I used a game with my Group Communication class. The goal was to get the most points. Teams would sabotage each other and scrape out a point only to lose it later until the play ended with no points for either team (lose-lose). The trick to the game was collaboration. If the teams worked together, both teams won unlimited points (win-win).

Before you despair that human nature is fundamentally flawed, here's the good news. You make a difference. You can move through your day looking for and creating win-win in big and small ways, and when you do that, you feed the collective attitude. Those choices matter. Here are a few ideas then please, run with your exploration of win-win:

  • Tip generously.
  • Let drivers merge in traffic (and wave at the drivers who let you in).
  • At the office find ways to create or offer opportunities for others to shine.
  • Acknowledge good work and kindness publicly and frequently.

It's never about the details of who got what or who deserves more. It's always about the energy, the 10,000 foot view, and the choices you make to nourish win-win rather than lose-lose.

That's how powerful you are.

 

The Biggest Lie You've Been Told

Time to read: Less than one minute

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Dear Rebels,

When you were young, did you dream of your future? Maybe a job that earned a good living. A family. Time to pursue your passions and interests. Travel. Then, once you got that job, you poured yourself into it with gusto (or not). You played volleyball after work. You took painting classes or sang in a choir. You slept in on weekends and had dinner regularly with friends.

Then maybe you committed to a partner. Perhaps you built a family. You got promoted or changed jobs or went back to school. Your parents got older. Maybe you bought a house. Life got more complex and even though it happened over years, it seems like overnight you became exhausted, overwhelmed, and focused on life as a checklist of transactions. You used to feel like you had it all together and now balls are dropping, friends are a distant memory, exercise was first to go, and the "few tips" you've tried to regain control lasted all of a minute before everything snapped back to the relentless new "normal."

Does some version of this sound familiar?

I grew up in the 1980s when young people were fed the biggest lie of all time.

The lie?

You can have it all.

It's total crap.

Also total crap is the feeling that there is something wrong with you if you can't manage it all.

A wise mentor once said to me, "You can have anything. You just can't have everything."

Cue one of my favorite themes: Choices.

You get to choose your priorities. When you're trying to stuff 15 pounds of life into a 5 pound bag, you get to choose what to let go, what is non-negotiable, what can wait, and what you'll prioritize.

Stop beating yourself up for not being able to manage it all. No one can. It's a lie.

With rebel love,

Christina

P.S. Know someone who needs to let go of the lie? Send them here to find relief.

 
 

Can You Be Powerful When Things are Out of Control?

Time to read: 40 seconds

If you're making choices, choose what's important to you, like Adventure!

If you're making choices, choose what's important to you, like Adventure!

I was talking with a client today about choices. She's in a tough situation that leaves her feeling powerless and isn't likely to change anytime soon. The challenge for her: to stay empowered and at choice even when so much feels out of her control.

So how do you stay empowered and at choice when things are out of your control?

The lesson is summed up in this poignant quote from writer, Annie Dilliard:

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."

You make choices every day - about how to respond in traffic, to be on time to meet a friend (or not), to show up to your child's soccer game (or not), to be annoyed after a meeting (or not). We all know people who seem bound and determined to be unhappy. And others who find happiness and gratitude even in the face of unbelievable hardship.

Your small choices matter, every minute of every day.

  • They matter to you. (Are you truly choosing according to what's important to you or are you choosing based on some sense of what you "should" choose or from a reactive emotional place?)
  • They matter to the people around you. (What are you modeling for your employees or your children?).
  • They matter to the world. (What is the energy you are projecting out into the wider world? Is it the energy you want to project?)

Life isn't always easy, and you don't always get what you want. You do, however, get to choose, every day, how you will navigate the cards you have been dealt.

And that, dear Corporate Rebel, is how you create the life you want. One choice at a time.

With rebel love,

Christina

 

4 Steps to Worry-Free Decision Making

Time to read: much less than two little minutes

Which direction should you go?

Which direction should you go?

Hello rebels!

Do you have decisions to make? Do you anticipate having decisions to make in the future? Do you feel an urgency to get to the right decision and get to it quick so you can move-on-to-the-next-thing-burning-on-your-to-do-list-so-you-can-focus-on-something-else entirely-already?!

Geez. That sense of urgency is not helpful! (I know this. Let me explain.)

Big decisions were made in our house this spring.

My daughter has been choosing a high school and my son has decided to switch schools at the same time. We've been part of the same tight school community for 9 years so this change is a big deal for all of us. Many times in this decision-making process, I have felt urgency to get information fast, weigh all the options, and finalize a decision so we can feel clear and certain and move on to other priorities.

And this process has offered me a few huge lessons about decision-making, which I happily share with you.

If you have a teenager, you'll understand this next bit. Despite my sense of urgency, there was no forcing my 14-year-old into a decision until she was good and ready. This story is a metaphor (in case you didn't notice, you are the 14-year-old). You can try to force a decision. You can talk about it until your friends stop returning your calls. You can live your worries in the middle of the night. You can obsess until the decision invades your dreams.

And the truth is, the decision will not get made until it is time to make it. When the deadline was approaching, my daughter flat-out refused to talk about school choice for a week. We had no option but to put the thing down. And, we had a deadline. Over a huge piece of cake (I'm a strategic mom), I told her it was go-time. I expected hang-wringing and worry about where her friends were going. Instead, she paused for 10 seconds, and said, "I'm going to XYZ school."

Done and done. The decision was filled with ease and joy.

I was shocked and delighted, and since I'm a coach who writes a weekly newsletter, I made note of what just happened so I could share it with you. When making a decision - big or small, here's what you need to know:

  1. Gather information, but just enough. In most cases, you will not land on the one piece of information that is going to make your decision for you so don't drive yourself crazy trying to find it.
  2. Fire up your intuition. Pay attention to how you feel about your options. Watch your dreams. Feel into the energy of the way you talk about your choices. (Do you feel expansive or constricted? Joyful or worried? Excited or sick?)
  3. Know your deadline or set a deadline for yourself. When you let a decision drag on and on, you're using it as an excuse to hide from the responsibility of actually making a decision. Don't do that. It's not fun, and hiding isn't going to get you anywhere.
  4. Give the decision space. Put it down. Stop talking about it. Let it go. In the quiet, you'll find the answer.

Oh, and I recommend cake. Cake helps everything go smoothly.

Rebel love to you

Christina

P.S. Do you love the Corporate Rebel Unplugged Video Podcast and Newsletter? Share with with your friends! They can join our merry band of rebels right here.

 

Ask Yourself This Rude Question to Create Instant Clarity

There's no photo this week as everything I could think of was too gross.

When you're making a decision, popular ways to weigh the options include listing pros and cons, envisioning a blissful future, and worrying about the horrible things that could happen with each option.

There is another way to bring quick clarity to a decision (courtesy of Mark Manson, blogger and life enthusiast). It involves a swear word so if you have sensitive ears or little ones looking over your shoulder, be warned.

You can use this rude question over and over on a daily basis to find instant clarity and motivation. Every single one of my clients answers this question in a fit of laughter at one point or another. 

The question is this: 

What kind of s**% sandwich do you want to eat (for the rest of your life)?

I love this question for two reasons:

1. It is a question that grounds you in reality when you start to spin off into magical thinking (maybe...retirement will take care of itself or maybe…my kids don't care if I miss the soccer game). There is a downside to every choice. It's good to be honest with yourself about those downsides.

2. You get to choose. You always get to choose. You even get to choose your flavor of s*($ sandwich. Not choosing is still a choice.

Here are a small sample of the situations where you can apply this question:

  • Let's say you are trying to decide if you will do that thing at work that you don't feel like doing. Ask yourself the question and choose: Would you rather create the boring spreadsheet or face the consequences for not doing it?
  • You've been offered a great opportunity that requires you to travel away from home a lot. Would you rather miss the time with your family or miss the career growth?
  • You're trying to decide if you are going to take an expensive vacation or put more money toward retirement. Would you rather find a cheaper vacation, not take one, or be behind on your retirement savings?
  • For me, I ask this question every time I wonder if I should hang up the coaching gig and get a job (with a salary and benefits!) Would I rather sit my butt down and send the marketing email or have to ask my boss for vacation time?

Nothing makes me do the hard parts of being an entrepreneur faster than reminding myself that I choose, the delicious and the s(*% sandwiches.

I hope this helps!

Loved this email? Want to tell me a story? I'd love to hear from you.

Warmly,
Christina

P.P.S. I am working on something that has been inspired by conversations with many of YOU. Stay tuned. It's cooking right now and will be ready for you in a few weeks.