Time to read: 55 seconds
A few weeks ago, this newsletter was about the importance of listening. I received a flurry of questions that sounded something like this:
So many of you asked this question that I thought y'all would like to hear the answer I sent personally to people.
First and foremost, you don’t have any control over what other people do. People will listen or they won't. You can remove that responsibility from your shoulders.
Then, of course, you have the ability to influence what other people do and to express your own needs.
If the situation is a minor daily interaction or with someone in public (like a barista), the solution is simple:
- You can say something in the moment like, “I don’t think I was clear. Let me say that again.” or "Yeah, it's loud and hard to hear in here" (then repeat yourself). Your goal is a pleasant, mutually beneficial transaction, and the relationship is not worth the investment of any additional energy.
- When the relationship is worth the investment, you can still use the phrases in the bullet above. For small daily interactions, you might ratchet it up a tiny bit. When my children are on their phones and think they're listening, I'll say things like, “Oh, I’ll wait until you’re done.” Then they're on notice in a gentle way that I can tell they aren't listening.
If it's a bigger, chronic dynamic in a relationship that matters, talking openly about not feeling heard is the first step. Express your needs. Ask for what you want. Most often in loving, supportive relationships, the other person wants to do better and will do better.
However, sometimes someone just won't or chooses not to change. In that case, you get to choose to accept the dynamic or not continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to you. Either is an acceptable choice. You just need to be honest with yourself about what you can expect.
I hope this is helpful!
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