Difficult Conversations: Tips and Tricks

Time to read: 62 seconds

I have a few more thoughts about difficult conversations that didn't fit neatly into the series. So, here they are, in no particular order:

• The best way to deal with difficult conversations is to have good relationships. Bad news and hard topics are easier to manage when the relationship is on solid ground. When relationships are strained, hard conversations rarely go well. So, prioritize connection and relationship building.
• Conflicts are almost never about the thing. They are almost always about the feelings and the relationship. I worked as a community meditator in a small claims court many years ago and learned that conflict is never about the money. They were always about feeling cheated or a friendship that fell apart or betrayed or hurt. Reactions to bad news are about sadness, fear, or uncertainty. So, address that deeper level when engaging in hard conversations, not just the topic.
• You don't need to justify yourself. When you are drawing a boundary ("We will not talk politics at Thanksgiving") or breaking up ("This isn't working for me anymore""I'm letting you go. This job isn't a good fit"), you don't have to justify yourself. Often, there is no productive argument. You are simply explaining what you will and won't do, what you will and won't tolerate. "This doesn't work for me" is enough. End of story. Except....
• When you need to deliver a hard performance evaluation or give someone feedback in an ongoing relationship, the other person deserves an explanation and additional information.

Next week: A few more tips and tricks about difficult conversations.

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

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Difficult Conversations: What If Someone Can't Hear You?

Time to read: 1.37 minutes

We've covered the structure of difficult conversations, how to prepare and what to say. If you missed the beginning of the series all my newsletters are available on my website here.

Today I want to address a question from a reader:

Try on this situation:

You end a relationship. You follow all the steps of how to deliver bad news outlined in the past few weeks. The other person will respond. Here are some possible conversations:

• You: I'm about to say something that will be hard for you to hear. I'm ending our relationship. (Then you sit silently for a minute.)

1. Possible Response #1: Thank you so much for telling me. It's been such an honor to know you. I wish you all the best. (Ha! You wish!)
2. Possible Response #2: What? I had no idea there was anything wrong! I need more information. This is so unfair.
3. Possible Response #3: You're the worst person in the world. How could you say you love me and then break up with me? You're the problem. It's not fair. I hate you. (Fill in a series of expletives.)
4. Possible Response #4: Fill in the blank with any number of other responses.

The point here is that you have zero agency (I mean none, nada, never) over how the other person responds. You don't decide how they receive what you say. You don't decide if they hear you or not.

It's so hard if someone doesn't respond well or doesn't hear you.

And…their response gives you information. About who they are, what they are capable of and not capable of, their maturity level, what they care about.

Then you get to decide what you will and will not do, the boundaries you draw, how hard you're willing to work for the other person's sake. You get to decide if you will continue the relationship.

You can't make someone hear you. You can decide what to do with the fact that they won't hear you.

Next week: A few more tips and tricks about difficult conversations.

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

If you love this series, please share it with your colleagues. They can sign up here.

Practices That Change The World #2

Time to read: It's a long one. A little over a minute and worth every second (if I may say so myself). :-)

Look! Last week's image applies again! Notice the second rung from the bottom.

I truly believe the Gandhi quote, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Talking about and wishing for what you want out there can only be accomplished by creating those exact same things in here.

• If you want more peace then how to create peace in yourself and your relationships?
• If you want more understanding, how do you become someone who understands?
• If you want integrity, then you must be impeccable and seek repair when you, inevitably, are not (because you're human, after all).

Which brings me to Changing the World Practice #2.

Responsibility

This is not your parents' "you must pay your bills" kind of responsibility. Responsibility means owning your life. Owning that you have created it all - the good, the bad, the ugly. One trick for taking responsibility is to do it without self-criticism and judgment. It's not about blaming yourself or others when things are hard. Here's an example:

Let's say you sailed through college and launched yourself into a career that felt pretty good at first. Then 10-years in you start to feel dissatisfied. Maybe you're not getting the promotions you want. Maybe you dread going to work. Maybe it all feels overwhelming, and you wonder if you need to quit. You will not find your answer by blaming your boss or the terrible corporate culture or by complaining constantly to your friends or beating yourself up for wasting time. (I know cuz I did this for 2 years.)

The answer will come from getting curious about yourself - What motivated you? (Pleasing others? Striving for recognition?) Where did you bypass your inner wisdom? How do you betray yourself and your own needs? What do you actually want for you life? How do you build the courage to create it?

This is what real responsibility looks like.

Imagine a world where EVERYONE takes responsibility for themselves. Wow. I'd like to live there.

You're the best!

P.S. If you love this newsletter, your friends and colleagues will, too. Anyone can sign up here.

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How Wide is Your Shadow?

Time to read: 33 seconds

I drew this. I have never drawn anything in my life and lately, I've discovered the wonders of drawing.

Here's my skinny on leadership: Leaders take responsibility for their world. Everyone is a leader 24/7. That means you. All the time.

Why am I talking about leadership today?

You are a leader…at the office (regardless of your role), at the grocery store, in your family, and in your community. Each of us is responsible for our corner of the universe, and part of my leadership is helping you define your world and learn to take ownership of it. Your shadow combined with the other 2999 Corporate Rebel shadows adds up to an awful lot of goodness in the world.

That matters. A lot.

And we've been tired. Exhausted even. Taking responsibility for even one more thing has felt impossible. And, we're creeping back. Slowly. I invite you to consider one small way that you can take more ownership/responsibility for your corner of the world. Here are some ideas:

• Have that hard conversation to clean up an important relationship.
• Examine the places you are short-tempered and address them.
• Rest so you have good energy for your life and work
• Create something

I haven't had the energy to create anything new for close to two years. (Remember all the great free offerings at the beginning of the pandemic? Daily calls. Short courses. Oh, how I miss seeing you.) I've taken responsibility for many corners of my world and finally, I have bandwidth to create again. For YOU!

Next week I'm announcing something awesome, and free, and meaningful, and awesome, and free for you. Bear with me for a few weeks. I'm excited to finally have something to give you. You're gonna get an email or two about this. Watch your inbox next week. It's coming!

What To Do When The Other Person Isn't Listening

Time to read: 55 seconds

A few weeks ago, this newsletter was about the importance of listening. I received a flurry of questions that sounded something like this:

"What do I do if the OTHER person isn't listening to ME?"

So many of you asked this question that I thought y'all would like to hear the answer I sent personally to people.

First and foremost, you don’t have any control over what other people do. People will listen or they won't. You can remove that responsibility from your shoulders.

Then, of course, you have the ability to influence what other people do and to express your own needs.

If the situation is a minor daily interaction or with someone in public (like a barista), the solution is simple:

• You can say something in the moment like, “I don’t think I was clear. Let me say that again.” or "Yeah, it's loud and hard to hear in here" (then repeat yourself). Your goal is a pleasant, mutually beneficial transaction, and the relationship is not worth the investment of any additional energy.
• When the relationship is worth the investment, you can still use the phrases in the bullet above. For small daily interactions, you might ratchet it up a tiny bit. When my children are on their phones and think they're listening, I'll say things like, “Oh, I’ll wait until you’re done.” Then they're on notice in a gentle way that I can tell they aren't listening.

If it's a bigger, chronic dynamic in a relationship that matters, talking openly about not feeling heard is the first step. Express your needs. Ask for what you want. Most often in loving, supportive relationships, the other person wants to do better and will do better.

However, sometimes someone just won't or chooses not to change. In that case, you get to choose to accept the dynamic or not continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to you. Either is an acceptable choice. You just need to be honest with yourself about what you can expect.

I hope this is helpful!

Share this newsletter with all your friends and colleagues! Maybe it's a hint that it's time to listen to YOU! Anyone can sign up here.

You want to make more money. Consider this.

2 little 'ole minutes to read

New clients frequently tell me that they want to make more money and get promoted. They say that more money is going to make them feel valued and appreciated and happier at work. Does this ring true for you or someone you know?

Money is great. It gives you access and enables you to do things you care about like give it away, support important causes, buy food, and trade it for precious time.

And, money is only one currency. Cultural messages teach you that money is the ONLY currency. Prevailing messages want you to believe that money (or title) is the measure of your self-worth as an employee and a human being.

And guess what? (This is the part of writing these newsletters that I love.) There are many forms of currency by which to measure your worth, work, and life experience. (Although one could argue that your worth is never measurable. It just is. Full stop. End of newsletter.)

Please indulge me with a story.

My family closed on a new house yesterday (Yikes!) which means we had to sell our house (double, triple Yikes!). We set our sale price and strategized with our realtor. We were walking out the back door to the airport for vacation as our first buyers were walking in the front. Our house sold in 2 days with 5 offers (whew and wow and head still spinning).

When we returned after a week away, numerous friends said to us that we could have charged more for our house. In my vulnerable, post-vacation state, I started down the path of a freakout. Did we sell out? Could we have gotten more? Money, money, money!

Then I was reminded (thank you Steve and our amazing realtor, Brad). We consciously chose currency other than money for the sale of our house. We wanted potential buyers to feel excited (they did). We wanted great new neighbors for our beloved neighbors (yes!). We wanted buyers who would love our house and care for the garden like we do (they will). We wanted the entire process to be easy with as little stress and disruption to our family as possible (we were literally taking offers in our flip-flops on the beach and never had to do the "clean and run" I have heard is so stressful - can't get easier than that).

Our currency in this sale is great relationships, ease, little to no stress, and a great couple we are delighted to welcome home. For what amount of money would we trade all that? No amount.

When you look around your work and life, what's the currency you use to measure your success and value? (Here are some hints to work with: love, creativity, relationships, contribution, work/life balance, feeling deeply fulfilled, joy, ease).

Let's work together to change the measuring stick. As MasterCard used to say, your ease, joy, and happiness are priceless!

I hope this helps.

Christina

What My Husband and I Do So We Don't Snip (Much) When We're Stressed

My husband and I were staring down a few intense months of traveling and kid hand-offs like ships passing in the night with little time to connect or talk. We feared we’d be snippy with each other from the stress and were not looking forward to spending months doing THAT.
 
Instead of leaving those months to chance, hoping for the best, and gritting our teeth and powering through it (which we've all done many, many times), we decided to design our alliance.
 
A designed alliance is my #1 favorite relationship tool because it’s simple and effective and contributes to the Principle of Escalating Positivity. A designed alliance enables you to be conscious about your relationships and clear about what you need and want in a given situation.
 
Here is when you use it:

• Always. (Just kidding. And not really).
• Your in-laws come to visit.
• You are starting a new project team at work.
• You are hosting a party.
• You are going on vacation.
• With your boss, your direct reports and your colleagues.
• Chores, roles, and responsibilities at work and at home.

 Create a designed alliance any time you want to bring consciousness, creativity, and connection to an event or experience.
 
Here are the simple steps to creating a designed alliance (then I’ll give some examples below):
 
1. Set a time to design your alliance.
2. Name the topic, event or experience.
3. Discuss the following topics:

• Your best hope for the event.
• Your worst fear for the event.
• How do you want it to feel between you during the alliance?
• How do you want to be with each other when one of you forgets or messes up or things go wrong?
• What requests do you have of each other? What agreements need to be made?
• What can the other person count on from you?

4. Appreciate the other person (for their creativity, clarity, willingness, honesty).
 
Some designed alliances are extra simple and don’t use all the steps:
 
Example: A friend calls on the phone and you have 2 minutes to talk. Instead of rushing, making yourself late, and feeling bad that you couldn’t give your friend enough time, say “I have 2 minutes to talk, what do you need right now” or “How can I best help you?” You’ve just designed an alliance and brought clarity to your relationship for those 2 minutes.
 
Example: Some designed alliances are more involved. My husband and I talked for an hour and went through each step of the process consciously. We designed that we wanted things to feel easy and flowing during those intense months. We would use texting as a way to connect when we were apart, and we’d be honest if we were starting to feel disconnected or frustrated. Those few months went by beautifully and easily.
 
So, this holiday season as things ramp up at work and at home, take some time to design alliances to bring clarity and intention to your relationships. You'll be contributing to the Principle of Escalating Positivity!
 
And it will make everything so much easier for you!
 
I hope this helps.
 
Christina