What To Do When The Other Person Isn't Listening

Time to read: 55 seconds

A few weeks ago, this newsletter was about the importance of listening. I received a flurry of questions that sounded something like this:

"What do I do if the OTHER person isn't listening to ME?"

So many of you asked this question that I thought y'all would like to hear the answer I sent personally to people.

First and foremost, you don’t have any control over what other people do. People will listen or they won't. You can remove that responsibility from your shoulders.

Then, of course, you have the ability to influence what other people do and to express your own needs.

If the situation is a minor daily interaction or with someone in public (like a barista), the solution is simple:

• You can say something in the moment like, “I don’t think I was clear. Let me say that again.” or "Yeah, it's loud and hard to hear in here" (then repeat yourself). Your goal is a pleasant, mutually beneficial transaction, and the relationship is not worth the investment of any additional energy.
• When the relationship is worth the investment, you can still use the phrases in the bullet above. For small daily interactions, you might ratchet it up a tiny bit. When my children are on their phones and think they're listening, I'll say things like, “Oh, I’ll wait until you’re done.” Then they're on notice in a gentle way that I can tell they aren't listening.

If it's a bigger, chronic dynamic in a relationship that matters, talking openly about not feeling heard is the first step. Express your needs. Ask for what you want. Most often in loving, supportive relationships, the other person wants to do better and will do better.

However, sometimes someone just won't or chooses not to change. In that case, you get to choose to accept the dynamic or not continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to you. Either is an acceptable choice. You just need to be honest with yourself about what you can expect.

I hope this is helpful!

Share this newsletter with all your friends and colleagues! Maybe it's a hint that it's time to listen to YOU! Anyone can sign up here.

Making A Decision? Do This...

Time to read: less than 1 minute

People are making big decisions these days. Among my friends and clients people are relocating, changing careers, quitting jobs, choosing colleges, and starting businesses. Are you among those who are weighing options and trying to decide the right path to take? If yes, read on. If not, forward this to all the people you know who are making big decisions.

I'll come clean. I'm not a fan of a pros/cons list. That data can be helpful, and it only gets you so far. When I'm working with someone to make a decision, here are the three strategies we use:

1. Go up 10,000 feet. Let the details go for a while and focus on the big picture. What are your values? What criteria is most important to you? What do you actually want?   Example: If you are choosing a college, decide which 2-3 criteria are crucial, like location, specific programs, size, the presence of sports or choir.
2. Be honest with yourself. You can easily be tempted by things like prestige, money, and comparison to others. Those are recipes for bad decisions.   Example: Early in my corporate career, I was offered a supervisor position in IT helping the company figure out procedures and processes for cell phones. (I'm dating myself here.) The position was a leadership role, and I would have received a $1,000 raise - a month! I said no. No amount of money was worth doing something I didn't care about.
3. Do a gut check. You have all the facts. You've weighed your values and what you want. Now, check your gut. Does the decision feel right? If you're afraid, does the fear feel like the unknown or a good stretch or does it feel like toxic waste? Trust your gut.

Please write to me and tell me all about big decisions you're making. I love to hear from you.

If you are one of the many people who forward these articles to your friends and colleagues, please make sure they know they can sign up for my newsletter here.

Be well.

Blame Others? No, Not You....

Time to read: Less than one minute

More false emotions. Today is blame!

You know this one, especially how it feels when you are blamed.

Blame can be obvious - like when you blame the IT department for the slip in the deadline. Or blame can be more subtle - like blaming traffic when you're late for an appointment.

Regardless of how you slice it, blame creates tension and wastes energy in your workplace and home.

Blame is a false emotion. It is a handy mechanism you use to hide from responsibility. You are the author of your life. You create it all. (Yay ownership!) So, when you find yourself stuck blaming others (your mother, your boss, the government, the neighbor), do these things:

1. Ask yourself. What am I trying not to be responsible for? What am I trying to get away with?
2. Be brave. Responsibility takes courage. It's vulnerable to look deeper and find your ownership.
3. Take responsibility. This is the action step. What do you need to do to be transparent, honest with yourself and perhaps change a few things.

Here is an example:

You are late for an appointment because traffic was insane. You blame traffic for your lateness. Without any self-judgment or a blame pile-on (of yourself), look at the situation. Perhaps you were dragging your feet because you didn't want to go. Or maybe you let your overwhelm prevent you from properly planning the time it would take to get there. Places to consider taking responsibility: Perhaps you said yes to something when you wanted to say no. Perhaps you have let your schedule get away from you. What can you do to take responsibility for those things? What can you change?

(In fact, this example is happening to me right now. I put off writing this newsletter until this morning. I have a tea date with a friend and I'm going to be late. My responsibility? I'm making a choice to do this newsletter at the expense of being on time. I will be honest with her about what happened and apologize. I'll vow to stick with my goal in the future to write my newsletter by Tuesday night. See how this works?)

Next week: self-pity.

Remember: Getting honest with yourself about the shield of false emotions will free your time and energy for better relationships and more productivity! It's worth the effort to build your awareness and take ownership.

You've got this!

With rebel love,

Christina

P.S. Know someone who loves to blame? Oh yes. This is a popular one. Forward this newsletter them. They can sign up to join us here.

P.P.S. January and February are the perfect time to review 2019 and plan for 2020. Reach out if you'd like to explore an intentional plan for 2020.

It's the Worst. I've Been Lying to Myself.

Man, oh, man, did I have a dark night of the soul on Saturday. Do you recognize this?

Have you ever had that productive conversation with your exhausted self at 3:00 am after many hours of lying awake feeling worried and ashamed? It's so helpful, isn't it? That's what happened to me.

I'm telling you this because we all go through painful moments of awakening - if you can get through the pain and onto the awakening.

Here's the precipitating event in summary. The subject I am about to bring up is so sensitive, my heart is pounding even to write about it.

Money. (And lying. And denial. What an attractive trinity.)

Here's the truth: I have not been a big girl about managing the finances for my business. For various reasons, looking at my income and expenses is terrifying to me. So, I did what I thought was the responsible thing. I stopped looking at it. I automated everything and outsourced the tracking to a bookkeeper. She watched it so I didn't have to.

I was lying to myself. I was giving myself an easy way to justify not looking at something that makes me very uncomfortable and some expenses got away from me. Some truth tellers in my life exposed my blind spot to me recently and although I've heard it all before, this time, I was ready to listen (after a shame spiral and some crying).

Here's what I learned about blind spots:

1. You can't deal them until you are ready to deal with them. And, you can tend them, nudge them, and pave the path to be ready for them even if you don't know they are there.
2. It is painful to stare your blind spot squarely in the face.
3. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself in the pain and recovery.
4. These dark nights of the soul are the moments when you awaken to a more mature, evolved, conscious version of yourself.
5. Know who your people are so you can reach out immediately. I would never recommend weathering a shame spiral alone.
6. These moments are the ones when things become crystal clear. They breed motivation to make changes and move forward.

As painful as Saturday night was, I am grateful. I am clear about what to do next, and I feel empowered and motivated, even excited, to become a grown up about my money.

Do you have a sense that there is something important that you're missing? Are there pieces of your life that you wish you could tackle and resolve - behaviors that seem to be working but perhaps really aren't, choices that might have been the wrong ones, or things in your life that need a good illumination so you can get clear, address them and move forward?

The fastest and easiest way to clarity is to talk with someone who gets you. I certainly don't have a magic formula to fix your blind spots. And, I've learned a thing or two in my 7 years as a coach and my almost 50 years as a human. 

If you think talking with me will help, let's talk! We'll explore your personal situation, and I'll share my best ideas and insights about what might be possible.

I've opened a few spots in my personal calendar to talk to YOU. Get insight and relief right here. 

I look forward to connecting!

Christina

P.S. Wouldn't you love some clarity and access to my best ideas and insights? You can get all kinds of ideas and insights by hopping on the phone with me. Get clarity here.

If you don't see a time that works, email me at christina@boydsmithcoaching.com and we'll find one!

P.P.S. Think very carefully about wanting to be a coach. It causes you to not only have your pain but while you are having it, start to consider how this experience is useful to your people. Seriously?!