How to Communicate Across Differences

Time to read: 56 seconds

I don't know what it is. My son created it in ceramics.

My son has managed, against everything you see and read, to create true friendships across significant differences. He has liberal friends who hunt and shoot guns, conservative friends who don't believe in evolution, friends who are atheists, and friends who have found Jesus. They hang out every day. And not only that, they talk (maybe banter is a better word as they are teen boys) about their differences openly and still play video games together every night.

In an increasingly polarized world where families are torn apart by politics and religion, I'm fascinated by how this group of 17-year-old boys is accomplishing something many adults can't. I asked him about it and he said, "they're kind." They see beyond differences to the complexity of each person - their talent in theater, sense of humor, and ability to destroy zombies in the nightly video game sessions. They are also able to hold their convictions without bowing to the crowd. I'm amazed and heartened.

I'm sharing a resource today to help us adults engage in effective conversation across differences, particularly in dealing with racism. The idea that love and connection can be part of uncomfortable situations is nothing short of revolutionary. If we see each other as kind and connected, wow…what would be possible?

So, here is a Ted Talk by Smith professor Loretta J. Ross about "Calling In" rather than "Calling Out." I'm pretty sure a group of teen boys isn't this graceful in their conversations yet. I hope you like it.

As always, I love to hear from you.

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For Any Situation, Consider This

Time to read: 5 seconds

In any situation ask yourself, "Am I creating separation (from yourself and/or others) or am I creating connection?"

Always choose connection.

Even if it's hard.

Love to you,

Christina

Do You Gossip? 4 Things To Do Instead

Time to read: 1:11.15 minutes

Harry Potter was a close as I could come to mini-figures dressed for work.

Office gossip is an international sport. Talking about other people is as common as water coolers, cheap coffee, and windowless conference rooms. Gossip breeds mistrust. If someone is willing to gossip with you, there's a very good chance, they will also be glad to gossip about you.

I had a recent ah-ha about gossip in my own life. I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen in a while. We were casually catching up when I happened to mention something that sparked her desire to complain about an organization to which we both belong. Luckily, we didn't have time to continue the conversation, and she walked way with the promise to call for a tea date.

After we parted, I realized I was tempted to gossip because what I wanted was true connection with her. Colluding and creating an unpleasant dynamic that would, frankly, leave me feeling like crap, was the price I have been willing to pay for connection in the past. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I decided then and there that I would no longer let gossip and collusion hijack real connection.

Does using gossip as a tool for connection ring familiar to you?

Here are 4 things you can do to stop the gossip and go for the real connection instead:

1. Be aware of how you feel when you succumb to gossip. Do you feel inspired and connected or dirty and sad (or something else completely)?
2. Openly commit to stopping the gossip and collusion. Tell your friends and colleagues your commitment and recruit them to help you stick to it.
3. Find points of real connection with others and talk about those things: common projects, shared interests, different interests, and current events. In my corporate days, we had a tradition of bringing funny or poignant stories from the radio as topics during lunch.
4. Share you areas of personal and professional growth and recruit your friends and colleagues to hold you accountable to help you grow. Talking about yourself is waaaay more fun than talking about others any day.

May these suggestions bring you the real connection you crave.

With rebel love,

Christina

P.S. As always, if you like what you see in the Corporate Rebel, please share the love with your colleagues. They can join our merry band of rebels right here.

What To DoWhen You Feel Helpless to Make a Difference

When unspeakable, heartbreaking, and bewildering things like Las Vegas happen, it leaves people like me feeling inadequate to know what to say. Silence isn't acceptable nor do I want to respond with a pat or simplistic comment.

So, first of all, my heart and prayers go out to anyone who is touched by recent events in the world - Las Vegas, Canada, Puerto Rico, Syria (to name only a few) - and any of you who feel the pain of these events even if they don't directly affect your world.

As I've processed the shooting in Las Vegas, I keep coming back to one thing.

The power of an individual.

In this case, it is the power of an individual to wreak terrible destruction, and certainly there are despicable models throughout history to prove that point.

Which brings me to you.

You matter. What you do every day matters. The way you behave towards others matters as does the way you treat yourself. If one individual can send out the ripple effect of so much pain, one individual can also send out the ripple effect of so much joy, gratitude, goodness, and peace. You have the power to be all those things every day.

Here's challenge:

When you close this email, immediately do one thing to point humanity toward the light. Call an old friend. Send an email to express gratitude. Bring coffee to a colleague. Step into the next cube and express your appreciation. Donate to the Red Cross.

This quote from the Dalai Lama hung on the bulletin board of my children's school all last year:

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

Be the rebel love today and always.

Christina

What My Husband and I Do So We Don't Snip (Much) When We're Stressed

My husband and I were staring down a few intense months of traveling and kid hand-offs like ships passing in the night with little time to connect or talk. We feared we’d be snippy with each other from the stress and were not looking forward to spending months doing THAT.
 
Instead of leaving those months to chance, hoping for the best, and gritting our teeth and powering through it (which we've all done many, many times), we decided to design our alliance.
 
A designed alliance is my #1 favorite relationship tool because it’s simple and effective and contributes to the Principle of Escalating Positivity. A designed alliance enables you to be conscious about your relationships and clear about what you need and want in a given situation.
 
Here is when you use it:

• Always. (Just kidding. And not really).
• Your in-laws come to visit.
• You are starting a new project team at work.
• You are hosting a party.
• You are going on vacation.
• With your boss, your direct reports and your colleagues.
• Chores, roles, and responsibilities at work and at home.

 Create a designed alliance any time you want to bring consciousness, creativity, and connection to an event or experience.
 
Here are the simple steps to creating a designed alliance (then I’ll give some examples below):
 
1. Set a time to design your alliance.
2. Name the topic, event or experience.
3. Discuss the following topics:

• Your best hope for the event.
• Your worst fear for the event.
• How do you want it to feel between you during the alliance?
• How do you want to be with each other when one of you forgets or messes up or things go wrong?
• What requests do you have of each other? What agreements need to be made?
• What can the other person count on from you?

4. Appreciate the other person (for their creativity, clarity, willingness, honesty).
 
Some designed alliances are extra simple and don’t use all the steps:
 
Example: A friend calls on the phone and you have 2 minutes to talk. Instead of rushing, making yourself late, and feeling bad that you couldn’t give your friend enough time, say “I have 2 minutes to talk, what do you need right now” or “How can I best help you?” You’ve just designed an alliance and brought clarity to your relationship for those 2 minutes.
 
Example: Some designed alliances are more involved. My husband and I talked for an hour and went through each step of the process consciously. We designed that we wanted things to feel easy and flowing during those intense months. We would use texting as a way to connect when we were apart, and we’d be honest if we were starting to feel disconnected or frustrated. Those few months went by beautifully and easily.
 
So, this holiday season as things ramp up at work and at home, take some time to design alliances to bring clarity and intention to your relationships. You'll be contributing to the Principle of Escalating Positivity!
 
And it will make everything so much easier for you!
 
I hope this helps.
 
Christina

Give Your Relationships a Shot of Holiday Cheer

It’s the holiday season – a time when you are thinking about…relationships!(?)
 
At the holidays your children are home for two solid weeks (and if you don’t have children, your friends with kids need you more than ever), you’re planning (or avoiding) time with your family, and you’re cherishing (or not) those who are closest to you.
 
At work, performance reviews may be coming in January which makes everyone feel warm and fuzzy with anticipation.
 
As a special treat for you, the December theme at Boyd-Smith Coaching is the Principle of Escalating Positivity. Each week, I’ll share tips and strategies for not only surviving  the holidays (including your relationships) but actually thriving and maybe even enjoying yourself and your people!
 
Even our happiest, best relationships can slip into negative patterns or moments when a shot of positivity would have gone down better than what we actually said (I don’t know anything about that. I just read about it).
 
This week’s contribution to the Principle of Escalating Positivity is...
 
Appreciation.
 
It’s so simple. So obvious. And yet we don’t do it enough.
 
Here’s what you do:
 
1. Choose one of your close relationships.
 
2. Vow that you will appreciate that person 3 times a day. Just fill in these sentences: 

• “Thank you for…”
• “I appreciated it when you…”
• “I am grateful that you…”

3. Actually appreciate them (out loud) 3 times a day.
 
4. Up the ante on yourself by adding more people to the list of appreciation recipients. Try your boss, your annoying sister, the driver who just cut you off, or the cashier who is taking forever to ring up your groceries.
 
You will be amazed at the results. Really and truly.
 
Hit reply to this email and let me know what happens!
 
Hope that helps!

Christina