Difficult Conversations: Tips and Tricks

Time to read: 62 seconds

I have a few more thoughts about difficult conversations that didn't fit neatly into the series. So, here they are, in no particular order:

• The best way to deal with difficult conversations is to have good relationships. Bad news and hard topics are easier to manage when the relationship is on solid ground. When relationships are strained, hard conversations rarely go well. So, prioritize connection and relationship building.
• Conflicts are almost never about the thing. They are almost always about the feelings and the relationship. I worked as a community meditator in a small claims court many years ago and learned that conflict is never about the money. They were always about feeling cheated or a friendship that fell apart or betrayed or hurt. Reactions to bad news are about sadness, fear, or uncertainty. So, address that deeper level when engaging in hard conversations, not just the topic.
• You don't need to justify yourself. When you are drawing a boundary ("We will not talk politics at Thanksgiving") or breaking up ("This isn't working for me anymore""I'm letting you go. This job isn't a good fit"), you don't have to justify yourself. Often, there is no productive argument. You are simply explaining what you will and won't do, what you will and won't tolerate. "This doesn't work for me" is enough. End of story. Except....
• When you need to deliver a hard performance evaluation or give someone feedback in an ongoing relationship, the other person deserves an explanation and additional information.

Next week: A few more tips and tricks about difficult conversations.

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

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Difficult Conversations: What If Someone Can't Hear You?

Time to read: 1.37 minutes

We've covered the structure of difficult conversations, how to prepare and what to say. If you missed the beginning of the series all my newsletters are available on my website here.

Today I want to address a question from a reader:

Try on this situation:

You end a relationship. You follow all the steps of how to deliver bad news outlined in the past few weeks. The other person will respond. Here are some possible conversations:

• You: I'm about to say something that will be hard for you to hear. I'm ending our relationship. (Then you sit silently for a minute.)

1. Possible Response #1: Thank you so much for telling me. It's been such an honor to know you. I wish you all the best. (Ha! You wish!)
2. Possible Response #2: What? I had no idea there was anything wrong! I need more information. This is so unfair.
3. Possible Response #3: You're the worst person in the world. How could you say you love me and then break up with me? You're the problem. It's not fair. I hate you. (Fill in a series of expletives.)
4. Possible Response #4: Fill in the blank with any number of other responses.

The point here is that you have zero agency (I mean none, nada, never) over how the other person responds. You don't decide how they receive what you say. You don't decide if they hear you or not.

It's so hard if someone doesn't respond well or doesn't hear you.

And…their response gives you information. About who they are, what they are capable of and not capable of, their maturity level, what they care about.

Then you get to decide what you will and will not do, the boundaries you draw, how hard you're willing to work for the other person's sake. You get to decide if you will continue the relationship.

You can't make someone hear you. You can decide what to do with the fact that they won't hear you.

Next week: A few more tips and tricks about difficult conversations.

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

If you love this series, please share it with your colleagues. They can sign up here.

I Take Issue With Boundaries. Here's Why.

Time to read: maybe 2 minutes?

Hello Rebels!

Imagine you have a boss who sends emails on weekends. Or you volunteer for something and scope creep turns the one thing into 15 things that dominate your life. At this point, I hear clients say, "help me learn to set some boundaries."

Boundaries. Bleh.

Here's why:

Boundaries are inherently about a response to something outside yourself. The frame of reference is the thing - the boss, the volunteer job, the needy relative. Boundaries are about creating barriers, resistance, and building up defenses to deflect the intrusion. When you are operating in resistance to or in response to something, the something maintains the power and you block and tackle your way through. What I hate about this concept is that it robs you of your power and agency.

Try this on instead:

What if instead of boundaries, you have ownership?

You are the creator of your life and work. You make the choices. You get to decide what fits into your daily life and your vision of your future. Instead of blocking and tackling, let your purpose, energy and preferences drive what you will and won't do. You don't owe anyone a justification and your choices are simply that, your choices.

Here's how ownership could look:

• Your boss sends emails on the weekend. That's your boss's choice. If you don't want to email on the weekends, let your boss know that he can expect a reply on Monday. Simple. Clean. Clear. You can also decide to reply on the weekend if you'd like. The choice is yours, and simply own whatever you choose without complaining about your boss emailing on the weekend. (Hint: The complaining is a waste of your weekend.)
• You volunteer and the role grows and dominates your life. Decide the best use of your gifts. You are not obligated to say yes to 15 more things because you said yes to one. Choose to say yes or no and whatever you choose, own it.

Ownership requires you to:

• know what you want and take responsibility for it own your gifts, purpose and energy and make clear decisions about how to use them
• let go of the feeling that everything is on your shoulders be transparent and clear in your communication

Ultimately, ownership is clean, clear, simple and liberating.

Try on this perspective change and let me know what you think. I always love to hear from you.