I Take Issue With Boundaries. Here's Why.

Time to read: maybe 2 minutes?

Hello Rebels!

Imagine you have a boss who sends emails on weekends. Or you volunteer for something and scope creep turns the one thing into 15 things that dominate your life. At this point, I hear clients say, "help me learn to set some boundaries."

Boundaries. Bleh.

Here's why:

Boundaries are inherently about a response to something outside yourself. The frame of reference is the thing - the boss, the volunteer job, the needy relative. Boundaries are about creating barriers, resistance, and building up defenses to deflect the intrusion. When you are operating in resistance to or in response to something, the something maintains the power and you block and tackle your way through. What I hate about this concept is that it robs you of your power and agency.

Try this on instead:

What if instead of boundaries, you have ownership?

You are the creator of your life and work. You make the choices. You get to decide what fits into your daily life and your vision of your future. Instead of blocking and tackling, let your purpose, energy and preferences drive what you will and won't do. You don't owe anyone a justification and your choices are simply that, your choices.

Here's how ownership could look:

• Your boss sends emails on the weekend. That's your boss's choice. If you don't want to email on the weekends, let your boss know that he can expect a reply on Monday. Simple. Clean. Clear. You can also decide to reply on the weekend if you'd like. The choice is yours, and simply own whatever you choose without complaining about your boss emailing on the weekend. (Hint: The complaining is a waste of your weekend.)
• You volunteer and the role grows and dominates your life. Decide the best use of your gifts. You are not obligated to say yes to 15 more things because you said yes to one. Choose to say yes or no and whatever you choose, own it.

Ownership requires you to:

• know what you want and take responsibility for it own your gifts, purpose and energy and make clear decisions about how to use them
• let go of the feeling that everything is on your shoulders be transparent and clear in your communication

Ultimately, ownership is clean, clear, simple and liberating.

Try on this perspective change and let me know what you think. I always love to hear from you.

2 Questions to Defeat Doubt

Time to read: a teeny bit over one minute

The stage at Hadestown

You're in a meeting. You say something risky. The room goes silent. One of your colleagues replies, and the meeting moves on. After the meeting, you run your words over and over in your head. You wonder if your colleague thinks you're an idiot. You wonder if you should have kept your mouth shut.

Doubt runs roughshod over your confidence and energy.

Doubt is a story older than time.

My daughter and I spent Labor Day weekend in NYC eating and going to Broadway. We saw Hadestown, a sublime retelling of the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice. (If you have a chance to see this show, go. Amazing music. Wonderful story. A parable for life and work.)

Spoiler alert.

If you know your Greek myths, you know how the story ends. Orpheus and Eurydice strike a deal with Hades that they can leave hell, but only if Eurydice walks behind and Orpheus doesn't turn around. The voices of doubt overtake Orpheus, and he turns his head to check that Eurydice is there. As soon as he turns, Eurydice returns to hell and heartbreak ensues. When the show was over, I was sobbing in my seat. (My daughter was mortified.)

Of course, I was sad by the unhappy ending. More than that, I was pissed that doubt won. I wanted so badly for this old tale of love and trust to end with trust. It didn't.

So, what does this have to do with you and your work?

Very often, doubt wins. Doubt overtakes you, and you metaphorically end up in hell, even if it's only the darkness and confusion in your own mind.

What do you do about it? Here are two questions to ask yourself when doubt creeps in:

1. What am I trying to get away with? Maybe you want to hide after the meeting and wish your comment would disappear.


2. What do I not want to be responsible for? It might be a good idea to check in with your colleague. Talking to her feels uncomfortable and vulnerable. You'll get feedback. You don't want to take responsibility for whatever impact you had in the meeting. Not asking about it means it didn't happen (see #1).

What to do: Go straight into the discomfort and ask, "I'd like to check in with you about the meeting. Do you have a minute?"

You'll feel better. You'll defeat doubt. And trust will win.

I hope this helps.

Christina