Practices That Change The World #10 - Part 2

Time to read: 55 seconds

Remember last week? Me yelling at the hotel clerk? Last week was Part 1: Recover. This is Part 2 of what to do when you've behaved in ways you're not proud of.

REPAIR

First let me say that humans are messy. That means that sometimes, other people will be messy. Other times, you will be messy, confused, hurt, angry, tired, frustrated, and you will lose your abilty to keep your confusion/anger/hurt /tired/frustration under wraps.

So, in any relationship, whether with a friend, or even in the case of a hotel clerk, REPAIR is crucial. To repair requires compassion, grace, forgiveness and a commitment to understanding that humans are messy, including yourself.

The temptation is to judge, hold impossibly high standards and walk away, writing the other person off as wrong, annoying, or as someone who deserved it. This is not a great framework for living in a world filled with other people.

I invite you to consider the power of repair....for what it does for you and for the other person.

Here's how repair works in the form of an apology.

An apology requires you to take ownership for yourself (if you are the one apologizing) and to receive the apology (if you are the one, well, receiving the apology).

Here is an ineffective apology:

Me: "Sorry I yelled. I just wanted you to not charge me for the room tonight (blame). I've had a hard week (justification)."

Hotel Clerk: Uh....um....

Let's try that again with an effective apology.

Me: I'm sorry I yelled at you.""

Hotel Clerk: "It's ok." (Notice the desire to make everything ok as quickly as possible except it's not actually ok because I haven't yet taken ownership.)

Me: "Actually, it's not ok. Please let me apologize. My behavior was out of line. You were doing your job and did not deserve to be treated like that. I'm sorry."

Hotel Clerk: "Thank you for apologizing. That isn't the worst thing that's going to happen to me today."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that. It should be."

See? A win for self-compassion. Connection made. Relationship restored.

You are not expected to be perfect. You will mess up. You will hurt people. You will be messy. Welcome to being human.

P.S. If you love this newsletter, your friends and colleagues will, too. Anyone can sign up here.

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Practices That Change The World #10 - Part 1

Time to read: 36 seconds

This is one of those exposing newsletters complete with a vulnerable story.

A few weeks ago, I yelled at a hotel clerk. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her manager, I said yes and then yelled at him, too. I have a long rope and reached the end of it. This was clearly not my finest moment.

Which brings me to today's practice Part 1, RECOVER.

You are human. I am human. Humans sometimes lose themselves or behave in ways you wish you hadn't. Moments like losing it on the hotel clerk, yelling at your kids, being short with a colleague are humbling and a sign that self-compassion, rest, and self-care are in order.

When stuff like this happens, you either step in to judge yourself ("I'm a terrible human being") or you blame the other person ("They were being unreasonable"). Both of these responses let you off the hook of ownership for yourself and the vulnerabilty of knowing you're fallible.

So, what do you do when you've behaved in ways you're not proud of?

There are two steps: RECOVER (Part 1) and REPAIR (Part 2 which is next week).

When you fly off the handle, you send a flood of chemicals into your brain and trigger your fight or flight response. This is not your most measured, kind, reasonable self. You need to give yourself time to clear the chemical tsunami.

To recover, take time and find your way back. Talk to a friend. Meditate. Sit quietly. Journal. Do whatever you need to find your ground and recover back to yourself.

Repair is not possible until you have recovered. So, next week, I'll give you a script for repair.

Powerful Wisdom From the CR Pop-Up Cafe

Time to read: Time for a few more words. 45 second read.

There was a wealth of wisdom in last week's Corporate Rebel Pop-up Cafe. We talked about recovery and healing. The conversation was so good, I wanted to share it with you.

We've lived through a lot for the past few years, months and weeks. I was consulting with my favorite therapist yesterday and he said, "we are in a 2nd pandemic of mental health issues." Teens and young adults are collapsing. Adults are exhausted. I see it in my coaching clients. Therapists are full. You hear the call for healing on a national and personal level, but what does that mean for you?

The hive on the Corporate Rebel Pop-up Cafe shared what they know about recovery and healing from the challenging times in their lives. Here is their wisdom for you:

• Time: You have to give yourself time to recover and time to heal.
• The basics: Sleep, nutrition, movement, and quiet time (maybe meditation) are all crucial to recovery and healing.
• Individuality: Healing is an individual process. What works for you will be different than what works for your best friend.
• Feelings: You gotta feel 'em. Without drama or story. Simply feel your feelings. Even the despair.
• Compassion: Mostly for yourself. Be where you are without judgment or criticism that you "should" be doing better or "should" be farther along.
• Connection: Connect with others. Recovery and healing is better in relationship.
• Responsibility: You have choices. You choose your path and how you will treat others and yourself as you recover and heal: with anger? with love? with violence? with patience? You choose when to get help.
• Celebration: Celebrate your progress. Yesterday, I put on a dress. I noticed when I drove my car, I was focused in a way I haven't been for months. Those small wins are a cause for big celebration!

I'll put one final thought here: The two important first steps in recovery and healing are knowing that you need it, and giving yourself permission to put your energy toward healing, which can mean going quiet for a while or lowering the bar on "accomplishment" and "success," whatever those mean anyway.

I'd love to hear your wisdom about healing. Or your questions. Please email me and tell me what you're thinking. I always love hearing from you.

Not sure yet when the next Corporate Rebel Pop-up Cafe will be. Watch for it. I hope you can join. The conversations are always amazing and people leave feeling uplifted and calm.